I couldn't get past the confusion of the story being told from two different views, because of the grammatical misuse of "HER" throughout your story. It almost seems like it was copied and poorly edited it. Who is telling the story and who is actually in the story?
by
Anonymous06/28/07
me too
i agree with the comment below. or rather...her agrees with the comment below.
Going between "I" statements to "her" statements really detract from the overall story. I believe you have great potential, but you need to keep to either a first person or third person view, not both, especially in the same story. Personally I couldn't get past the third paragraph. I think getting an editor would be a helpful and useful resource.
by
Anonymous06/29/07
Poorly Written
This story proves how inconsistent the editors at Literotica.com can be. Some well written stories are asked for changes on stylistic differences while this gets posted!
English
bad grammar.
I couldn't get past the confusion of the story being told from two different views, because of the grammatical misuse of "HER" throughout your story. It almost seems like it was copied and poorly edited it. Who is telling the story and who is actually in the story?
me too
i agree with the comment below. or rather...her agrees with the comment below.
.....?
Going between "I" statements to "her" statements really detract from the overall story. I believe you have great potential, but you need to keep to either a first person or third person view, not both, especially in the same story. Personally I couldn't get past the third paragraph. I think getting an editor would be a helpful and useful resource.
Poorly Written
This story proves how inconsistent the editors at Literotica.com can be. Some well written stories are asked for changes on stylistic differences while this gets posted!
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