I really liked your story however to capture the imaginations of your readers and keep them 'in the moment' might I suggest that you get rid of all the inserts from your perspective and just tell the story. Also, it could do with some more descriptive paragraphs (like when she comes - describe it!). Just my two cents. Cheers, Jules
The commentary was intentional, both to inject a bit of humor (we had gone to a comedy club) and to break up the story (add some pacing) as we did later that evening. I thought about mentioning it in the beginning and decided to just let it go and perhaps add this comment later. I sacrificed some more lengthy detail for a stab at a stylistic piece this time. Thanks again for the comment and vote! DB
English
Good story, strange narrative
I really liked your story however to capture the imaginations of your readers and keep them 'in the moment' might I suggest that you get rid of all the inserts from your perspective and just tell the story. Also, it could do with some more descriptive paragraphs (like when she comes - describe it!). Just my two cents. Cheers, Jules
thanks for the comment
The commentary was intentional, both to inject a bit of humor (we had gone to a comedy club) and to break up the story (add some pacing) as we did later that evening. I thought about mentioning it in the beginning and decided to just let it go and perhaps add this comment later. I sacrificed some more lengthy detail for a stab at a stylistic piece this time. Thanks again for the comment and vote! DB
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