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English
So?
The story has real possibilities, if this is Chapter 1. If this is all there is, it stinks. It is like reading the jacket book cover, then not looking inside.
There are too many technical errors to list. Please read out loud what you have written and you'll probably see most of the errors. Better, have an editor look at it. Your work shows some promise, but is incomplete. If you expect people to read it, you should have complete sentences that make sense. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.
Where's the meat on these bones?
Your work has been improving, RealDoc, but this is a small step backwards. What you have is a good "treatment," or a very detailed outline. It has very little description of place and only the barest indications of motivations for your characters.
Use dialogue! You wrote an entire story and no one spoke. You never described the setting. That is the difference between hearing a story second-hand and feeling like you were there. Don't tell us how your character felt, show us how he felt so we can understand why he did what he did.
Hook up with a patient editor, RealDoc, and smooth out the rough spots and you could become a favorite.
??????
What next?
You have thrown together some information.
But you never wrote a story. Was the ROTC girl before, after, or during your marriage to a girl who was to immature to be married. Do you feel regret for having destroyed that girls life? You talked of her father dying, then her going back and her father blaming you, or did I read that wrong? There is no story here, just an unrelated list of things that happened or could have happened. Would be nicer if it was all in some sort of order. I dont usually attack writers mechanics but this is on the order of the sixth grader or possibly lower.
What?
Where's the beef?
Technical complaints
If your are going to play in a military senario, you need to have some vestiage of accuracy. No girls in ROTC in the very early fifties, heck there were none in the early 60s.
The student deferment (IIS) was given for students in college not the students in college ROTC. The same deferment would have run through medical school, by which time the Korean Conflict (1950-1953) would have been long over. The only real reason for ROTC would be a scholarship deal with the Army that would pay the way through medical school and accepting a commission in the Army Medical Corps.
Talent and Imagination Is Strong
The story is a reiteration of a trying time for 2 ill-equipped people being their own inefficient anchors.
You are appreciated writer but try to see your way to an editor who will allow you to grow faster and sleep better. 4 eyes and 2 minds are way better than 2 & 1.
It isn't a lessor person who asks for help to grow so please give it some thought.
Writer - your efforts and time are appreciated as is the emotional theme of marital consequence - which in this case affected both spouses.
With High Regard [in anticipation]
this was no story
if was one and a half page rambling about paris hilton having a bad hair day at the local sheriff's office nonsense. why? because apparently by herself, in her big mansion, she didn't wake up on time before the squad car got outside, readdy to transport her downtown for some mug shots or sometihng.... total nonsesnse; no redeeming value of any kind...
and, how the hell does some "ate" sex any way? you mean, swallowing bodily fluids? there are a whole bunch of other stupid mistakes like that; you can assume the writer meant some other words, but why do readers have to assume any thing about diction?
"ate" for "hate", "decent" for "descent," etc. terrible!
Show don't tell
not the best. No emotion just a retelling of several events. Show us more of what went on and why.
You
said her father wasalways with her,even though he died while you were in medical school.Then her parents meet her at the airport several years later,how did he return from the dead?
The poster below says it all
If daddy dear was dead, how come he was there again.
A really stupid miatake in such a short story
This story needs serious grammar and spelling
corrections. Such things as: "We sat nest to each..." Next to each other, come on, you used spell check and all that does is tell you the incorrectly used word is spelling correctly. And to use ate in place of hate. I ate her makes good sense but when you are talking of hate it doesnt work. The story has to many inccrrectly used syntax and content, it wasnt written by a doctor, maybe a DC but not an MD. The education required in most schools for a doctor would not permit one this poorly educated to graduate. Perhaps this was the medical school students from the US were rescued from in Grenada? The sex and life sounds more like what a preteen would view as sexual relations not an adult in college. All told I could have done without reading this.
An experiment?
If this was one of those artificial intelligence experiments to see if computers can write a story, then the experiment was a success. If written by a human then that person should be charged for trying to impersonate an author
sometimes divorce ain't so bad
if done within a year since becoming married. unfortunately some women take their time bringing up their major flaws!
PROFESSIONAL ADVICE TO A PROFESSIONAL
talk about coal to Newcastle! TK U MLJ LV NV
What!!!
Is this?????????
Stars in Stirpes
Magpies for ever! Geordies will understand
What is this?
You don't need to publish outlines or story ideas. These are notes for the introduction to a story. What happened?
I Get It
This was ch.1 of a new series called "How to say nothing with as few words as possible." I can't wait until ch. 2.
HA Ha ha
Sure! I've always got my therapy from my bar tender.
Doc I can see this vision, I come to see you for a belly ache and you tell me it's because I hate my Mother. Thank God you don't work for the VA.
Wow - I guess I AM weird -
It made plenty of sense to me - Hmmm
A story about introspection, love and relationships - and in the Non-Erotic section too. Damn how could that possibly happen, I mean really, there are never any - hmm I don't know - "How to -" type stories here! Are there?? WAIT shit yeah there are!!!
It was placed properly and said a lot in a short story - is it possible it could lead to more stories about a persons life and growth after this? Could be - I think I will read some more.
LOL
A LACK OF SEX WILL LEAD TO FRUSTRATION
and very blue balls, TK U MLJ LV NV
1 Star
Wish I could have given it less. That wasn't a story, it was an anecdote.
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