Queen of the Sea Ch. 01

You need a proof reader

I would have given a better score but the errors in grammar prevented me doing so.

I couldn't finish...

I liked the direction of the story, but you need to find yourself an editor. The grammar mistakes along with bouncing back and forth between past and present tense and bouncing from first person to third person left a lot to be desired. Perhaps a re-write is in order before chapter two is submitted?

Look through the index page at Literotica to find a volunteer editor to help you. You'd be surprised at the difference in responses you can get.

Over and above that, what I did read was a fairly decent story.

Close, but....

You need to re-edit and write in past tense, not present tense -- trust me, it reads a lot better.

It looks like a very good story and a good plot. Just fix the grammer and you're off and running.

Good

I agree with what has been said so far. The main problem being the skipping between the past/present. But other than that,(and everything else can be done with spell check) I really enjoyed it! Its got a good plot, it is very interesting, and you have me definately wanting to hear more.

Got potential

As mentioned, you could use a proof reader, but technical writing issues aside (which I'm willing to disregard), I rather liked it. Can't wait for the rest.

Great plot line, but it is sometimes in script form