While the story itself had a decent pace, it was full of clunky, unnatural dialogue. Comma breaks were also thrown in that felt awkward, and it interrupted the read slightly. On top of that, the sex could have benefited from more detail.Regardless of its flaws, I definitely see room for improvement. Writing takes practice, and I think if you keep at it, you'll definitely get better. I look forward to your other works.
by
Anonymous10/19/07
Missed opportunity,
With your title, a good ending could have been, using dialog between the two. We need a shower, but it's "Laundry Day and there are no clean towels".
I agree with RebelWolf that the story is awesome and that you SHOULD write a sequel where they discuss her moving in together to "save mom some money" while sis attends the same "Uni". She may have been just looking for a "first-time thing", but college Freshmen are usually short on cash and big on hormones! ;-)
Keep up the great work! Props to Jackalman for at least graduating from the Anony-mice, even if he is a little hyper-critical with his 50. This was NOT a 50. I didn't have to reread any of it to understand the story! I do agree that a little more description, mind you I said a little more, wouldn't hurt.
Great job!
by
Anonymous11/27/07
it was ok
i think that it was a nice peice of work but the sister should have seemed more innocent. they should have stumbled upon the sex not just have jumped into it.
by
Anonymous09/16/10
I came.
by
Anonymous08/29/12
Laundry Day?
The only thing about Laundry was lost after the first couple of sentences. If he was going to title it Laundry, then he should've at least fucked her on top of the washer or something! Should've titled it"Vivian's Virgin Visit", LOL
English
Awesome
Continue this with her moving in with him to go to same college as he is.. Keep up the good work..
room for improvement
While the story itself had a decent pace, it was full of clunky, unnatural dialogue. Comma breaks were also thrown in that felt awkward, and it interrupted the read slightly. On top of that, the sex could have benefited from more detail.Regardless of its flaws, I definitely see room for improvement. Writing takes practice, and I think if you keep at it, you'll definitely get better. I look forward to your other works.
Missed opportunity,
With your title, a good ending could have been, using dialog between the two. We need a shower, but it's "Laundry Day and there are no clean towels".
I completely agree with RebelWolf
I agree with RebelWolf that the story is awesome and that you SHOULD write a sequel where they discuss her moving in together to "save mom some money" while sis attends the same "Uni". She may have been just looking for a "first-time thing", but college Freshmen are usually short on cash and big on hormones! ;-)
Keep up the great work! Props to Jackalman for at least graduating from the Anony-mice, even if he is a little hyper-critical with his 50. This was NOT a 50. I didn't have to reread any of it to understand the story! I do agree that a little more description, mind you I said a little more, wouldn't hurt.
Great job!
it was ok
i think that it was a nice peice of work but the sister should have seemed more innocent. they should have stumbled upon the sex not just have jumped into it.
I came.
Laundry Day?
The only thing about Laundry was lost after the first couple of sentences. If he was going to title it Laundry, then he should've at least fucked her on top of the washer or something! Should've titled it"Vivian's Virgin Visit", LOL
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