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English
Jump All Over
The concept of the story was good. You have no connecting scenes. One minute you are in the park, flat on your back, being helped up by a beautiful girl, who spilled paint on your canvas. She is now offering a cup of coffee ad then she is in your house dressing to be painted onto your canvas.
What happened to the coffee. Your thought move quicher than your words.
Lots of potential
I'm afraid you may find my use of the word "potential" to be damning with faint praise. This may be your first submission here, but I doubt it's your first attempt at writing -- unless you have a natural talent. I'm picky -- maybe too picky -- and I think this could have been improved with some editing, but editing cannot make a bad story good and this was a good one. Proof read. Check for careless mistakes (I make them too) and remember, an ellipsis only has three pips. Lines like "The soft blades of grass......................" are distracting. The things I mention are cosmetic and separate a good writer from one that is at the next level, which I know you can achieve.
A masterpiece in progress.
Very good for a first submission but I agree with the previous comments about some minor editing and perhaps more character development. The pacing is too abrupt with the two women meeting in the park one moment and then being together in the bedroom getting ready to have sex the next. Some buildup and anticipation is always good. Regardless, I look forward to the next chapter.
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