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Going great guns... so...?
This was going pretty well--and then it stopped! Hey--I wanted more... :) The build up was great, I liked the development of the characters but when it actually got to the part where they got down to it, it all fizzled away.
You could have gone a lot further with these two. The last few lines were fine, but I think the story is missing a paragraph or two just before that. Orgasms are usually the highlight... well they are for me, anyway.
Not quite there
I'm guessing that both this and "Every guy at the party" are attempts to break yourself of the long story habits of most of your stuff, but I'm not sure it really worked. They both come across as pure fluff pieces, of which Literotica has enough already. The people who read you instead of someone else here do so because there is a story in there with the sex, even if it's a very short story like the one in "Rechargeable batteries." These two feel like someone else wrote them entirely.
Zengar
It's too short...
The story development could use some serious work.
While I appreciate your attempts at creating a shorter piece of erotica, you didn't manage to pull it off this time.
Short and sweet, but it seems kinda rushed and premature.
I still enjoyed reading it though.
Nice idea
just needed expanding and developing to turn it in to a really good story.
Better Than The Park
Only thing I see wrong was it's too much the real thing when you're married. It needed a lot more foreplay..
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