- All
Comments (17) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Solid
Not bad at all. Writing was quite good, and the action was pretty hot. However, I felt as though a bit more emphasis could've been placed on the fact that they were step-siblings. The fact that you didn't spell it out right away was a nice touch, but I think it really would've added to the package if the taboo element was up-played a bit more.
Also, consider extending the dialogue a bit more to flesh out their relationship. The forcefulness during sex is fine, but other than that, I found myself wanting a bit more.
Overall, great job. Keep it up =)
Good story but...
I enjoyed the story but was put off by the misuse of "road" in the first paragraph...should be rode. Keep writing but try to get an editor to help you with the little things like that.
Wow!
I loved the forcefulness!! I think I came three times while reading this...awesome!!
more please!
more more more :) i loved it!
been there, loved it
i dated a 6-3 woman once. how i loved to start at her toes, go all the way up, licking, taasting...then working back down that long body, this tiome lickling her busyn, nibbling her clit, then back down to her toes and up the inside of her thigh until i forced me tongue into her asshole and fucked her hard while rubbingh her clit. adter she rewarded me with a climax, i would turn her over, suck allher cum and swallow, then fuck her and fill her up again. you said you might want to pee on a man. iam maasturbating now, thinkg of you sdittong on my chest, leaningh forward, glueing your hot wet pussy to my mouth and slowly dripping your golden champagne down my throat. do it slowly and i will drink as much as possible, hopefully all of it. if you prepared by drinking a lot of water, i thiink i would love to drink it all whenever you want......i have just le a huge load of cum fly imagining my mouth is gargling your golden nectar. lol
good start
good start but only gets a 25 because you never finished the story you left us hanging like 90% of the losers that write on this site
Loved It!!
Now that you're writing again, please continue with this story. It is so hot.
PLEASE Continue the story-!!!
This is a very good story...there are many things you could continue with - I hope to see you keep it going, it could be among the best of chain stories-!!!
Liked it
Of course every story can be improved and writers do get better. Positive feedback is so important. As a writer myself I was put off for two years and still criticized for not writing part two to a story that I sat on for two years. Readers should try and appreciate how much it takes to write. I gave up myself on editors after trying many. It was just too much to deal with, better to do it myself, even though another's perspective is always helpful.
Good Story
This is a good story. Word, phrases all perfect. Just the point of slapping and taking from behind is al little hard to manage.
finish
if you aren't going to finish then do us all a favor and either delete all unfinished stories or find someone to finish them for you it is totally unfair to the readers to leave them unfinished. SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND FINISH WHAT YOU START OR DON'T START AT ALL
Wham, bam,
....thank you, ma'am!
Marvin
Btw, to some of your rude, anon commenters, sometimes no end to a story is a good end...sheesh!
delete or finish one or the other
by not finishing your story you just prove you have no respect for yourself or your readers and no pride in your work. if the readers have to think up their own endding then we don't need you or this site so you just put yourself out of work. the best thing you can do is DELETE all stories and wait until you have the whole thing written out in rough draft. you can then take it a chapter at a time and edit it then post leaving only a few days between chapters and the readers don't get left hanging like now. if you can't finish it don't bother starting in the first place as is it sucks and as a writer so do you.
My My My
Aren't you the brave and knowledgeable one. Telling someone what to write, how to write, and what to do with their writings, and you have never written anything in your life. I know you have not because if you had, you would have a name, instead of being an internet badass and coward. Btw I have not even read the story.
needs to be deleted until you can finish it.
GOOD WRITERS write the entire story out in rough draft BEFORE posting anything that way readers don't get left hanging when losers like you and venus_lover FAIL to continue a story. half a story (and this is much less than half) is worse than no story at all YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO HAVE YOUR NAME ON THIS.
Nice story, funny comments
First, I agree with earlier comments about more dialog, the emphasis on step-siblings and minor grammer errors that should be cleaned up.
Still, that was rather minor.
However, you did finish the story.
They were going to catch hell from their parents but wouldn't let themselves be separated. Of course, you could do a chapter 2 and have the parents join in, all sorts of other things. However, this story was complete.
That said, the ending could have been fleshed in to give better closure. Anyone who has read JPB's stories should be used to endings like this.
I do think that some of the respondses were by the same reader.
Thanks, this was much better than most here.
Good sex, not so awesome setup...
Hey, Nora Jean! I tried to read through some of the comments and other than the asshats (all writers get them....those that can't write criticize - ignore them!) I think you have been given good advice. Spelling errors take a reader out of the space you are weaving for them and the re-use of words in consecutive sentences is something to be avoided. At one point a "he" became a "she" which, again, makes the reader stop to take inventory of who is doing what to whom and you want them to stay immersed in your fictional world rather than wondering if they missed a transition somewhere. Also, I may have missed something somewhere, but at one point he put her on her knees...then you talked of her being prone...made me go back and reread and lose track of where you were taking me. An editor can be your best friend as they can help smooth out the rough edges before more folks read it. Personally, I always like to find a secluded place and read my story out loud to myself - my ears are often more likely to pick up on a silly goof than my eyes. This forceful twist near the end was hot, but the irritation of the spelling/grammar/word choice forced me to rate it a bit lower. It won't stop me from perusing all your work though! You have a great way with words and your descriptions of their naughty fun is always hot! Thank you for sharing your creativity!!
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to And She Was Down The Hall or
More submissions by XXNoraJeanXX.