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English
ehhh
The story was hard to follow and clumsy. I'd rewrite it completely if I were you. Try better next time and read your story before submitting.
Yes, this does need quite a bit of editing
A 50 for putting your thoughts to paper, but your writing style is not very "user friendly." You are clearly trying to be expressive and descriptive, but it's too round-about and instead of creating a visual in the reader's eye, most readers will find it hard to even move beyond making sense of the words on the page.
Here is your first paragraph:
The sun reflects itself down at the pond, around it the sounds of a bird singing its' favorite melody. The skies seem clear blue, and the clouds looks as if it was nothing but a fluffy pillow. The grass is greener than ever and the sounds of the horse that is riding upon a pathway to a great castle. The castle was big as his own fathers, but he knew that the man that lived in this castle was more trustworthy than the filth. A knight upon his black steed arrives at the majesty's door. The knights standing by the door of the castle bow down to this Holy Knight, though it seems as if he is God himself!
My editing:
Sunlight glinted off the surface of the pond, accompanied by the busy notes of a bird singing its morning song. Above, soft clouds scudded across the clear blue of the sky, while below lush green grass ran down from the pathway to the edge of the pond. The clop clop of horse hooves grew louder as a knight on horseback rode along the pathway, heading toward a great castle that rose before him.
The castle was not much larger than his father's, but the king that ruled this castle was worthy of trust, unlike the filth that inhabited his father's castle. Drawing up his black steed, the knight stopped before the castle gates. The guards at the gate looked with awe at the knight before them, before bowing down low. For though they had never laid eyes on him before, the tales of this Holy Knight were well known throughout the land, and many referred to him as the right arm of God himself!
I would suggest working some more on this story, and then resubmitting it. Good luck.
Unreadable
Sorry, but I just couldn’t make it past the first few paragraphs. Like trying to slog through mud. Why do people submit stories that wouldn't pass a 4th grade English class? It’s a bit like showing up for a date without having bathed for two weeks. It’s all in the presentation.
Good Start
Yes this needs a little more work and I think you should have someone edit it and then resubmit it. I do like the story line and I think it has a lot of promise. I am a big fan of historical romance so I can't wait until you've worked on it some. I think there are some people in here willing to edit your stories. On the home page, go down to volunteer editors look to see what you can find. Good luck!!
Good Going
It's a very good start in my opinion. I did spot a few grammatical errors but no one's perfect. I hope you update agai.
i liked it
Well I know it migth not mean much coming from mebecause i havent submitted anything yey but i really like your story and i thought you did a awesome job. So please update
???????????????????
Is this the end. Why start a story when your not going to end it? You started in 2007 and its now 2009. How long does it take to write more chapters.
second chapter
where is the second chapter? I hope you post the next one soon
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