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What the heck happened here?
Did part of this story (a LARGE part) get left out? If the story as posted is what you wanted, then I'd suggest working with an editor to more fully realize your story.
This sucked
Seriously, you need some help in the writing department. My dead illiterate grandmother could write a better story than this.
hum
Huh?
Well...
Well... the lead-up was good, but you rushed through the sex and the ending entirely too fast. You should expand this, putting more detail and emotion into the sex. The dream ending feels a little weak as well.
nice
it was fun to read
sucked
it sucked...
???
It could have been great, I suppose.
Too fast
I think you have a good idea, but for me it feels as if you were too much in a hurry to reach the end.
Switching to dream mode was too sudden. You probably lose most readers there.
And if she was feeling something kicking inside her, she surely would notice more things about her body? You could expand on her getting aware of body parts that ached or looked bruised, despite the story her parents gave her.
Getting more or less convinced it was all a dream and then let her feel the kicking inside.
Black Tulip
Too fast
I think you have a good idea, but to me it reads as if you were in too much of a hurry to finish the story.
Switching to dream mode was too sudden. You probably lose most readers there.
As for the ending, have her notice aching body parts, bruises and such despite the story her parents are telling her. Or make her starting to believe it was all dream, and then introduce the kicking inside.
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