All Comments on 'Queen of the Castle?'

clean up some of the typos (you've got one right in your very first sentence), tighten up the writing a bit, and I would like this story a lot more. There is something about the first person narration style that is very off-putting. I much prefer to read a story that is told in the third person. Instead of "I" and "You" and "we", I think the story would flow much better if you instead referred to "him," "her" and "them."