Kiss of the Moon

Nice!

Nice story. Do continue

What a great beginning!

Charming story! Can't wait for the next installment.

Great story!

One nitpick though---it may have just been me, but there were parts of the story where it was difficult to tell who was speaking. Other than that it was fabulous.

A little constructive criticism

When you have a character speak and then another character frown or sigh or laugh, put it on a separate paragraph, that way no one will be confused by who's doing or saying what. It's an interesting piece, good luck with it.

Interesting

O.K. I am interested in reading the next chapter of this story. Practice makes perfect, so keep writing. Its an awesome story so far. Thanks so much.

Awesome story

Its an awesome start and I can't wait to read more. I do agree though, after someone speaks, put the next person's actions in another paragraph. It'll just make it easier to tell who's doing what and make your story "flow" better.

The story itself though is wonderful. Please update real soon. That means now isn't soon enough. ;)

wonderful story

I really hope you intend to write many more chapters for this and SOON!! awesome story one of the best so far and I have read quite a few..keep writing and post more soon..can't wait to see what more you have to give us.

hmm..

I have enjoyed your story so far, but it was confusing. I couldn't tell how much time had passed between scenes, at one point she was bed ridden, the next she was up and hopping around. I feel that if her injuries were as bad as you wrote she would take a while to heal enough to be up and about and if her healing was sped up because of Were magic, you didn't mention it. The investigators were there to talk to Amy, but then you didn't mention them again...All of a sudden, Wolfgang was out talking to his pack. Wouldn't he want to be present when the investigators show up? It just didn't seem to flow.


It was also hard to tell who was saying what. Actions are usually paired with the words of the person doing the action, not the person they are talking to. Don't forget about punctuation, like commas, which help to break up text and help the reader to understand what is going on. Maybe getting an editor could help. Otherwise, correct your mistakes and make sure it makes sense to you before you post it.

Keep up the good work. I can't wait to see what happens next.

You need to edit some, the dialogue jumps around too much to be sure who is saying what, the timeline moves too jerkily, you need to show time passing, please please use your spellcheck.
This has the bones of a great story. The idea is fantastic. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Where's the rest?

I check all the time for the rest! When are you going to finish? please please please

Enjoying this story

I really enjoy the characters and the way the story is unfolding. Can't wait for more. Thanks for sharing.

Very good start

However, as others have pointed out, the way you placed the dialogue was confusing. An example:

"He didn't happen to tell you how long I'll be bed ridden." He sighed.
"In his words, as long as it takes."
"Why didn't you just get me to a hospital?" he offered her another scoop of soup, she swallowed.
What I would recommend instead:
"He didn't happen to tell you how long I'll be bedridden?"
He sighed. "In his words, as long as it takes."
"Why didn't you just get me to a hospital?" She looked at him, clearly puzzled.
He offered her another scoop of soup before answering. She swallowed the spoonful.
I am truly enjoying the story line. I think if you enlisted the help of an editor, to help you with punctuation, sentence structure and spelling, you could turn this good story into an awesome story. One simple example of how an editor could help you would be to point out that "smirking" has a negative connotation. You might not mean it that way, but the dictionary definition of smirk is "To smile in an affected, often offensively self-satisfied manner." You might want to consider using another way to describe this action (smiling, grinning), unless you actually mean to convey "smiling in an offensively self-satisfied manner."
I'm off to read the further installments.

Good start.

As mentioned before the dialogue can be hard to follow, but the story is a great one.

Off to read the other chapters now.

PJ xx

Watch your spelling.

I think you need to find yourself an editor. You're mixing up "your" and "you're". And it's subdural haematoma not sudoral haematoma. But overall it's pretty good.

Great start...

Nice storyline! The story on itself is interesting to say, at least... Interesting characters.
I'm curious to see where this will lead.
You still need some work on your writing skills, though. The dialogues aren't always fluent, and you should use more combined sentences. Some spelling mistakes, too...
You could use an editor...
But don't let the above scare you away from writing =) Practice makes perfect, and you definitely have a nice start there =)

Liked the story

i enjoyed the story. The problem i had with it was it had so many grammatical errors that it detracted from the story itself. Plus, when you wrote, there was not a clear differentiation between who was saying what. Please keep writing, but please work on developing your skills.

Nice

Hey great storie the start is very nice tho i miss the part where she ends up there and not just wakes up there, and a bit confusing have problems understanding whos sasying what.

Confused...

There are numerous misspellings and punctuation errors, but part of the story makes absolutely no sense to me. On the first page, it says that weres aren't allowed to mate weres, yet later on, his pack seems shocked that he's chosen to mate a human. What's left? Stray dogs and barnyard fowl? To make it even more muddled, he plans to turn her... into a were... which the author has already stated would prohibit even casual sex between the two main characters.

Great potential

I really like the story and think it could be great, but like other readers have commented, it is very difficult to tell who is saying what.

Confusing

There is no excuse for so many grammar and spelling mistakes. Also when you write a line of dialogue you follow it with a reaction from the person being spoken to by using their name. In writing that way it leads the reader to feel the dialogue is said by the reaction character. Very ackward and greatly distracts from the story. It is enough for me to stop reading your material. You have to mechanically correct befor you can begin to weave a plot or develope a story line, back to class. anon jerry

Good story, some interesting twists and additions on a plot that gets rehashed a lot on lit. Some of the writing gets a little confusing at points, you make it difficult to follow who is speaking, especially in some of the shorter speech parts.

interesting, but confusing to read

I like your story, but it would be much much easier to read if you formatted it a little differently. I have to work at reading who is speaking by where you put names and actions.

For example

"She was in heat?" Gillian asked hoping that was the answer, that his alpha could find what he sort in a human might shake his standing.

"No because you would have scented it to."

"But she's a human." Wolfgang nodded just as surprised that his wolf was saying his life partner was born a human, it would have also surprised him if his wolf had singled out another of the Were races to be his mate.


Here the last paragraph I first thought wolfgang was speaking again because of his name and action after the sentence. it would have been clearer if it was like this.


"But she's a human."

Wolfgang nodded just as surprised that his wolf was saying his life partner was born a human, it would have also surprised him if his wolf had singled out another of the Were races to be his mate.

or like this

"But she's a human." Gillian protested. Wolfgang nodded just as surprised that his wolf was saying his life partner was born a human, it would have also surprised him if his wolf had singled out another of the Were races to be his mate.

Same confusion below. By putting anothers name after someone elses words. It happens in every time someone speaks here, I had to go back and re-read to figure out who was speaking. It's not conductive to a good read. makes me want to give up on reading it cause its hard to get into. It was enough to make me stop reading and write this comment.


"Amy... is a human who has shown more strength in the short time I've known her then I have ever seen in my entire life." Gillian resigned himself to accept his alphas decision even if it would destabilize some of their power.

"Will you take her as your mate?" Wolfgang sighed pleased he had his second taking him seriously.

"I will try." Nathanael frowned.

"You will have to turn her... she may not survive..." Wolfgang gave him an amused look.

"Didn't you say the same about her surviving her injuries." Nathanael smirked.

"Yes I did." Gillian stood and paced.

"Are you going to give her a choice? Or are you just going to turn her." Wolfgang stood and grabbed Gillian.


It would be much easier to read like this



"Amy... is a human who has shown more strength in the short time I've known her then I have ever seen in my entire life."

Gillian resigned himself to accept his alphas decision even if it would destabilize some of their power."Will you take her as your mate?"

Wolfgang sighed pleased he had his second taking him seriously. "I will try."

Nathanael frowned. "You will have to turn her... she may not survive..."

Wolfgang gave him an amused look. "Didn't you say the same about her surviving her injuries."

Nathanael smirked. "Yes I did."

Gillian stood and paced. "Are you going to give her a choice? Or are you just going to turn her."

Wolfgang stood and grabbed Gillian.

If you dont have one you should really get a beta reader to go over your work and edit it.

Thanks,

Noel

celtictrinityknot (at) gmail (dot) com

I am enjoying this alot. I like the spin that humans know about were's in this story. Certainly made it easier for her to be told. I did find it confusing when it was mentioned that she'd been waiting for a week to get her stitches out and shower. It had been the same day and then all of a sudden it was a week later. There needed to be a transition sentence to say time had passed. Other than that...great story!

Re-edit and repost???

I read this chapter quite a while ago and have come back to reread it and noticed it hadn't been re-edited and reposted. I absolutely love the rest of this story and series, but it's really difficult getting through the first chapter. I think if you were to repost this chapter with all of the errors corrected I'm sure people will be more enthused about reading the rest of the series. I'm sure you've been getting the same comments over and over about the errors and this chapter lets the rest of the series down.

Cleanup

Hi, I have just completed ALL the chapters to date. WHAT A GREAT SERIES. The sex is good but what I find interesting is that the further I got into the stories, the more I skipped over it to get more into the characters. I find that I connect the brutality of human beings in the stories to the senseless, seemingly never ending depravity of mankind in modern society. I thought we learned something in WW2, but the self inflicted damage to ourselves and Earth continues and is expanding. It would be wonderful if society could be governed in a manner to pack law.
Anyway, I think you could get two volumes from these stories if they were cleaned up. The big problem is in the conversations of the parties, as has been mentioned. Another is the use of commas connecting sentences rather than periods. Anyway, I edited charter 1 of Kiss. Took about a half hour. I can send it to you if you like. I do not think I changed the "you" in the story. You could check it and, if you like it, I could complete Kiss & Touch which should be volume 1 and the rest as volume 2 and maybe 3 as I see it. But, since I would never be able to write anything as great as this, I am probably not the best to suggest this. Oh - I'd do this with NO strings attached (well maybe a free copy). I just want it published.

Please write more. I will definitely make you as one of my favorites.

P.S. I had to Google feline & canine penis def's to check on your description. Never knew that. Was very surprised!!

Joe

well

Your story has begun on a good start. You've got perfect chemistry with the characters, and a good situation. Now, all you need is a good editor, and this story would soar!! Still worth five stars, based on idea and not grammar/spelling.

You are a horrible writer, with a crappy plot line and bad characters. I have read hundreds of stories on this sight and you are one of the worst.

To the first comment.......

You spelt site wrong. So before you bash the author about how awful they did take a good look in the mirror.
To the author: Good job it takes a lot of guts to let people read your own writing. It's a good story.
Keep it up :)

you have a good story so far, however, you need to look into the speech, as when closely followed by another persons action, it becomes confusing.

good story

it's a very good start !
i definitly want to read more
in mine opinion you have to work about some sentences
sometimes you can read it fluently ( o yeah i'm not good in english so forgive me) and then you there's that one sentences that blocks everything if you quiet get what i mean XD
like for example :
"i'm amy" he sihged.
but anyway keep going like this !!! i totally love it ;)

to anyone just starting the series

Ok, so this chapter was bad. Not because of the characters but because of the timeline and dialog problems and the next few chapters are not much better. However, the full story is great. Just try and stick with it through chapter 5 and watch it make a recovery. This is my favorate Were story I have found on the site and I just want to encourage any readers who were discouraged by the lack of quality in this chapter.

I scored this entry a 2/5.

Good

I am glad I read the last comment. I was confused due to the spelling and grammatical errors but I liked the story so wanted to continue. If it gets better then I'm definitely up for reading on.

The most important bit is the story - and its good!

Well hello stranger

Only a few paragraphs in and I'm a likin' the start. At my desk with a little time out, but this is a treat I am finding hard to resist. I'm going to stop for a hot minute before the flash fire starts with this baby. I feel a slow burn coming on.
Thank you so much for this lovely beginning.

Likes it very......very much.....can't wait to continue the tale.......

There are a few semantic flow issues, but the story itself is very sensitive and endearing. I know with the start of a tale there are these small ripples....no prob. Love Wolgang's gentle understanding of the pack dynamic. He sounds delicious...yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh well.

Purely due to the high votes on this series I settled down to read it. I can see where you were going with the story - but as so many others have pointed out, the flow of the story is jerky and confusing. The dialogue is incredibly difficult to follow, I won't point out why as so many others have already done so. I think my main concern were the descriptive elements which were rather jerky. He turned around. He walked away. etc. I don't profess to be able to write, or have any idea where to start, but as an avid reader, I struggled too much with this to enjoy the story.

Considering how well received your storyline is, I don't understand why you have not enlisted the help of an editor to go over your stories to even them out, give you a few pointers and possibly resubmit, as it really would do wonders.

so i think the first time i read through these, i was so impressed that i forgot to vote.

made sure and took care of it this time through =)

And so it begins...

I was reading another's story (DoctorWolf I think) and they said you inspired them, so I tracked you down on the member's index and am now reading yours. It's a great start, and I look forward to seeing how you improve. I have a lot of reading to do!

Great start!!!!!!! Watch for grammar mistakes and misspelling.

question...

Just out of curiosity what caused the plane to crash? Just wondering

asdlfkjasd;lfkjas

It's hard to tell who is speaking. Like you say 'yes.... she knows we're were as well.' bastion nodded..... its not bastion talking and its just wierd.... but i love the story none the less! keep writing! :D

i love this story

i read this story over and over and it never gets boring. it's like am reading a new story every time

The only criticism is to make it better known who is speaking. It can be very confusing when you have one person speaking and have the action or response of the other character right next to it. Otherwise great story. And I never really comment on stories unless I really like it!!!

Rereading : )

This is my second time reading through your series. I wanted to freshen up for the new story. I really enjoy your work and hope you continue to write. However, I agree with others' comments about you needing to pay closer attention to how you write the conversations. Also, your sentences sometimes come across as choppy or read like bullet points of information. There are a few grammar errors and the wrong use of words, but the story doesn't suffer in my oppinion. You just need a good editor to catch these types of mistakes, if you want to improve the quality of your work. You have an inventive imagination and great ideas that are very refreshing to read. I know you will continue to grow as a writer and I can't wait to read more!!!

LadyTiger

Conversations

Didn't do a detailed read on the comments, xD But, i noticed the unusal conversation method as well, and i like it. Its harder to write that way well, escpecially when your characters aren't flushed out and the reader doesn't know who 'would' say what. But when done right (and this story at least was great) it makes it interesting.

Bravo

love the story!

My only complaint is how hard it is to tell who is talking. On the previous page, Amy speaks followed by Wolfgang nodding. I would suggest elaborating a bit to make it clearer who the speaker is. Maybe you could try the comment followed by "Wolfgang nodded in response to her words." or something of the sort. Keep up the great work!

Redgryphon

please

pretty please with sugar on top fix the dialogue

Story -five Stars
dialog - two stars, I am cutting a lot of slack, cuz I am sure it will get better, an editor would help..

Writing...

Your story had a few mistakes, such as are instead of our and stuff like that...but when you have them talking telepathically to eachother, I just can't tell when it is they are doing so.

BizarreSmalls

Thanks for the story.
You have a formatting problem:
..." Amy paused, Wolfgang could see her grief. "Eden developments." Wolfgang snorted.

"Then you would know of my company, Shields inc." Amy nodded.

"You tried to take over my company shortly after my da's death." he shrugged in way of apology and offered her more soup.

Your paragraphs are confusing. Try to group the speech-plus-actions of different characters in separate paragraphs. When you run the action of one character on after the speech of another, the reader has to go back and read things two or three times to figure out what you mean. So, for example, the above text should have read as:

..." Amy paused, and Wolfgang could see her grief. "Eden developments."

Wolfgang snorted. "Then you would know of my company, Shields, Inc."

Amy nodded. "You tried to take over my company shortly after my da's death."

He shrugged by way of apology and offered her more soup.

The meaning is quite different, depending on how the text is broken up into paragraphs.

(I read as far as: "Wolfgang lashed out smacking the insolent female across the jaw and sent her flying." If he's the "biggest wolf in the world", he shouldn't be hitting females, no matter what the provocation.)

One of the best ever

Why are you not writing books. I have read hundreds of books and I no this is going to be an amazing story, but you need to write.