I enjoyed how you threw in hunting and guns to give the character a more three-dimensional picture of an ignorant, low IQ man. You made him resemble one of those dummies from the state of Michigan or possibly Maine. Well . . . let's not forget the south. Anyway, it really added flavor to the story.
The sister was an imbecile but she had her role to play as well. I would've given you a 100 but you rushed through the story and didn't develop it enough.
But very good effort on your part. Keep using more of the backwater characters in your play. It seems like you've penetrated their heads to come up with such believable characters.
Thanks.
by
Anonymous10/23/07
Fun, quick read
And some very funny parts as well. This just cracked me up:
Five minutes later our parents burst through the door. "Change of plans. There'll be bad flying weather tomorrow. We're flying out this afternoon as soon as we're packed," mom shouted and headed for their bedroom. They were packed and ready in thirty minutes. "You kids be good. Try not to set the house on fire!" dad yelled. They were gone in a cloud of exhaust fumes and rubber smoke.
I pictured Wiley Coyote zipping off into the distance!
Story could be improved by building up a little bit more of the characters. The jump from "she wants me" into full on sex was pretty quick. The parents were unintentionally (or maybe it was intentionally) very funny, with their eagerness to get away from home and the kids.
I like it when w women know what she wants and goes and get it that way ,i would enjoy it myself but a little slow in the action no Bj no fuck up the ass it iwasgood to read a stroy close to the normal
Francis
by
Anonymous10/24/07
WOW!!! WHAT A GREAT STORY!
Hey!
Your story had me hard as a rock all the way through!
It was almost like a wet-dream come true!
I just wish I was that guy 'n' I had a sis like her!
It's gotta be one o' the very best stories I ever done read in my entire life!
I'd love a continuation o' it!
Sincerely Sonny
RedHeadedStrangerOutlaw@yahoo.com
by
Anonymous02/17/09
insulted
very good story but needs another chapter to tell what happens do the parents find out does she get pregnant let us know now as to being insulted i along with millions of american gun owners am very insulted by the first commenters ignorence not all gun owners are backwoods hillbillys most are middle to upper class people like lawyers,bankers and company executives also most american presidents don't lump every one together in your ignorence you as a writer did an exelent job not stereotyping your charicter and we gun owners thank you for that
by
Anonymous05/27/13
Ummm...
Poor grammar, confused pespective (ex. When they got home the phone was ringing. I picked it up. "Hello?"), lumbering, cumbersome dialogue (ex. "Gee, Kathy, take it easy. We can't let anyone know about our blossoming relationship...), and how does he know what she's thinking? second-person interludes in a first-person narrative need to be clearly indicated and separated from the main body of the text, otherwise it's just a confused mess. This needs a good editor. No stars
English
Hunting and Guns
I enjoyed how you threw in hunting and guns to give the character a more three-dimensional picture of an ignorant, low IQ man. You made him resemble one of those dummies from the state of Michigan or possibly Maine. Well . . . let's not forget the south. Anyway, it really added flavor to the story.
The sister was an imbecile but she had her role to play as well. I would've given you a 100 but you rushed through the story and didn't develop it enough.
But very good effort on your part. Keep using more of the backwater characters in your play. It seems like you've penetrated their heads to come up with such believable characters.
Thanks.
Fun, quick read
And some very funny parts as well. This just cracked me up:
Five minutes later our parents burst through the door. "Change of plans. There'll be bad flying weather tomorrow. We're flying out this afternoon as soon as we're packed," mom shouted and headed for their bedroom. They were packed and ready in thirty minutes. "You kids be good. Try not to set the house on fire!" dad yelled. They were gone in a cloud of exhaust fumes and rubber smoke.
I pictured Wiley Coyote zipping off into the distance!
Story could be improved by building up a little bit more of the characters. The jump from "she wants me" into full on sex was pretty quick. The parents were unintentionally (or maybe it was intentionally) very funny, with their eagerness to get away from home and the kids.
Very good
Hello
I like it when w women know what she wants and goes and get it that way ,i would enjoy it myself but a little slow in the action no Bj no fuck up the ass it iwasgood to read a stroy close to the normal
Francis
WOW!!! WHAT A GREAT STORY!
Hey!
Your story had me hard as a rock all the way through!
It was almost like a wet-dream come true!
I just wish I was that guy 'n' I had a sis like her!
It's gotta be one o' the very best stories I ever done read in my entire life!
I'd love a continuation o' it!
Sincerely Sonny
RedHeadedStrangerOutlaw@yahoo.com
insulted
very good story but needs another chapter to tell what happens do the parents find out does she get pregnant let us know now as to being insulted i along with millions of american gun owners am very insulted by the first commenters ignorence not all gun owners are backwoods hillbillys most are middle to upper class people like lawyers,bankers and company executives also most american presidents don't lump every one together in your ignorence you as a writer did an exelent job not stereotyping your charicter and we gun owners thank you for that
Ummm...
Poor grammar, confused pespective (ex. When they got home the phone was ringing. I picked it up. "Hello?"), lumbering, cumbersome dialogue (ex. "Gee, Kathy, take it easy. We can't let anyone know about our blossoming relationship...), and how does he know what she's thinking? second-person interludes in a first-person narrative need to be clearly indicated and separated from the main body of the text, otherwise it's just a confused mess. This needs a good editor. No stars
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