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English
Lots of potential, but ...
... PLEASE get an editor, or at least proofread before the story is posted. I found the odd spelling and the changes in tense (past - present) and even in perspective (third - first) quite irritating. Otherwise, this is a good story, and perhaps a sequel might be a good idea?
Please edit
Great plot, although the abuse of language was painful.
those below me are sooo RIGHT!
An editor is so badly needed. I love this story and hate the writing, get an editor or learn the proper use of langauge.
congratulations! you have the dubious honour .....
of being one of the sloppiest writers I have read recently.
good grief you even have an editor's comment left in the very first paragraph.
what is worse is that dispite the efforts of that person the work is technically dire. proof reading errors and simple use of English errors all over the place.
you even have your lead character wearing a brazier.... this is the name for a container full of burning charcoal.
brassiere is the correct word for what is commonly known as a bra. not even close!
The only reason I took the time to be so hard on you is that the core story does have merit. take English lessons you have to do better than this on your own first. (Unless you are going to pay an editor to ghost write using your story ideas) and then get an editor who actually speaks english correctly to help you with the fine tuning at the end of the writing process.
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