God, talk about your tension---sheesh Marie--Wow, that am so spicy meat ball. Anxiously awaiting more--I'm positive you'll have your detractors, please please ignore them. Thanx P.
by
Anonymous12/26/07
didnt even feel my pussy getting wet
by
Anonymous12/26/07
You will do
You will do last poster,especially if you have a son who you are dreaming about.This is a very good start to what I hope is a reasonably long series
by
Anonymous12/26/07
Leave them wanting more
Story's pace is aided nicely by the naturalness of the dialogue and personas. I'm into the characters, they're believable. Give me more.
It seemed that there were parts chunks of the story that didn't make it to the final copy. Parts that seemed to reference things or characters that hadn't appeared, or seemed to jump from one scene/conversation to another with no transition. The jump between the final two paragraphs is a perfect example. Who were "the guys" she was out with (it was implied she was only going out with Marcus) Who were Dave and Gerry? And what was the context of that entire scene?
Overall, this type of story is not my cup of tea, but as far as a critique, that's irrelevant. For the most part, it's a fairly well written and pretty erotic story, framing the cuckold/humiliation kink in a way that a more general audience may find appealing. Best of luck on continuing.
My first comment/rating was in regards to the structure of the story itself. The gaps and what appeared to be omissions were the reason for the low rating. This, however, is a separate rating for the "immersion" aspect of the story. Your characters were (relatively) believable and you were able to introduce secondary characters (the ex, for example) that aren't necessarily a driving force behind the story, but make you curious and wanting to know more. That's refreshing. Also, your dialog was pretty natural, and even the internal thoughts were well written. Again, this type of story isn't quite my cup of tea, but I'd be willing to read a second chapter just to see where it goes.
Oh, yes. I see an evil mind at work here, and the paragraph where she looks out the window and imagines the erotic scene between herself and the son while her husband struggles to prevent it from happening was breathtaking! Please continue...
English
CHAPTER TWO PLEASE
God, talk about your tension---sheesh Marie--Wow, that am so spicy meat ball. Anxiously awaiting more--I'm positive you'll have your detractors, please please ignore them. Thanx P.
didnt even feel my pussy getting wet
You will do
You will do last poster,especially if you have a son who you are dreaming about.This is a very good start to what I hope is a reasonably long series
Leave them wanting more
Story's pace is aided nicely by the naturalness of the dialogue and personas. I'm into the characters, they're believable. Give me more.
Was something missing?
It seemed that there were parts chunks of the story that didn't make it to the final copy. Parts that seemed to reference things or characters that hadn't appeared, or seemed to jump from one scene/conversation to another with no transition. The jump between the final two paragraphs is a perfect example. Who were "the guys" she was out with (it was implied she was only going out with Marcus) Who were Dave and Gerry? And what was the context of that entire scene?
Overall, this type of story is not my cup of tea, but as far as a critique, that's irrelevant. For the most part, it's a fairly well written and pretty erotic story, framing the cuckold/humiliation kink in a way that a more general audience may find appealing. Best of luck on continuing.
A separate rating
My first comment/rating was in regards to the structure of the story itself. The gaps and what appeared to be omissions were the reason for the low rating. This, however, is a separate rating for the "immersion" aspect of the story. Your characters were (relatively) believable and you were able to introduce secondary characters (the ex, for example) that aren't necessarily a driving force behind the story, but make you curious and wanting to know more. That's refreshing. Also, your dialog was pretty natural, and even the internal thoughts were well written. Again, this type of story isn't quite my cup of tea, but I'd be willing to read a second chapter just to see where it goes.
What a diabolical tale you're weaving!
Oh, yes. I see an evil mind at work here, and the paragraph where she looks out the window and imagines the erotic scene between herself and the son while her husband struggles to prevent it from happening was breathtaking! Please continue...
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