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move this story along
This has a good base for humiliation desperation stories I don't get why you have not created any more stories to this.
Please do continue this story
Not a bad idea here. Weird premise, though. I'd like to see what you can do with it, Jessica, especially after I have read the Darla series. Hey, might Jill here be like the Jill in the Darla series? Just a thought. Also, for some reason my mind flashes to Orwell's 1984 when I read this. (BTW, thanks for the intro into who you are.)
belive
in that long story you had me with you until it went over the top. we know it's make-be-leave but don't rub our noses into it.your work as a body is hot stuff, you form your folks well, back story, the works. i'm a new fan so i'll be on the look out for more....just remember that when you abuse us we'll read another story..
Not bad.
I've seen a hypnotist make a few of my friends do some pretty scary stuff so I liked the premise. I'm partial to revenge but the frustration and humiliation felt by the sub were enough and on par with the Darla series.
Very nice
This story needs to be continued, but I'd love for you to slow down and add some more detail. It was pretty hot, I just want more than a quick story from you, your such a good writer.
nice
Nice story! Definitely a sexy premise. But have faith in yourself and stop commenting on your own writing mid-story.
LOVEEEE it!!!!!!!!!
Perfect in every way, please write another mind control story for us to enjoy?
Really?
I appreciate your contribution to Literotica. This is meant as constructive criticism.
The biography at the beginning of your story is not needed, and is as much fiction as the rest of your story. Women do not need to mention that they are women when writing a story unless they have a motive, and the only motive that you could have would be to garner positive reviews. This will not be one of those positive reviews.
The readers do not care what your fantasies are, or the motivations that you have for writing the story. Reading the story itself is the ultimate goal; to bury the reader in the immersion of the story plot. You break that immersion at the beginning and in several places you mention that this is a fantasy story, and that no STDs are around. Once again, your immersion breaking is not needed. We realize that we are not at a real Wal-mart, and the images on the screen are just words.
The lack of detail is awe inspiring.... "....pussy juice dripping onto the floor as soon as a cunt is placed in front of me...." Really? Dehydration would kill a woman from "juice" loss alone. Again, evidence that the writer is unfamiliar with female anatomy, much less possesses it.
I would suggest contacting one of the free editors provided here in Literotica to help you with your writing. Basic spelling errors, unneeded immersion breaks, lack of detail, and broken story flow are holding you back.
On the plus side, your story is an interesting idea. I look forward to reading more of your improved work.
Loved it
It was perfect. I in fact, loved it. I dont care if there any errors. Please continue and dont change :P
ick...
Gotta admit, this is quite bad. Good news is, at least you can improve
Wasn't That Bad!
Really, it wasn't! Got me aroused, same as Kelly's much longer story did!
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