I Saw Her at the Party

Not great but good

Realistic

Wrong category

They weren't married, so it can't be Loving Wives.We'll ignore that, however, and concentrate on that jarring shift to third person toward the end. Why? Why not continue the first-person narrative?I'd have graded it higher, except for that major problem, and that it isn't significantly different from any other such story.

Half-assed...

...effort. Some spelling errors and the shift in person at the end.

Oh, Well.......

Nice morality story. What book of the bible is it from?

good story but no build up .

Well written story but it's like story with no beginning or middle, just an end. She acts like slut, he dumps her, no happy reconciliation, end of story. Not bad but no real personality portrayal of either party. Nice writing but too brief, almost like an outline for a later story.Her actions kind of unbelievable . Need some explanation.
the Ct.Yankee

Big No-Nos...

Big, big no-no occurred here, my friend. Your story went from first person to, quite drastically, third person at the end. For no apparent reason, and leaving the reader with a big question mark.

If I'm gonna wager a guess here, I suspect that something similar -- if not this very situation -- happened to you in real life. You used your writing skill, and this forum, to exercize some demons haunting you about it, probably embellished the ass kicking part a little.

So, while a major story problem, the switch from first to third person has some real psychological implications to it, especially since the switch occurred at the rushed ending where you "forgiven" Sarah. Seems to be that you really haven't forgiven her, and switching to "Jason" instead of the first person is a way of just saying you forgave her when in reality you still fantasize about grabbing her ankles and ripping her out from beneath the bathroom stall and pummelling the man with the bigger cock.

Freud would be having an orgasm right now, that's for sure....

It was jarring when you changed PoV at the end

and went from first person to third person.

Otherwise I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it

I guess that I did not feel that the investment was not
so great that he should be destroyed. If they had children
and a home after 10 years of living together then it would
have been devastating. As he said, thank you for letting me know before the wedding! One thing that I thought strange was his complete lack of interest in finding out who the guy was. He was in the position to put pressure on them both to
come clean, but let the guy get up and walk away. Obviously
his GF invited the guy..... For a while there I had the feeling that the whole scene was a setup!!

This same story has been on the site for some

time now. Are you plagerizing someone elses work or what? Your profile says that you just published it today.

no closure

well written. First or third person, who cares really. But some hints could use some resolve. Did she really cheat before? What's the history about that? If she did, were her friends all aware of it? Did those "friends" chat him up to keep him away from her for as long as possible? Who was the guy in the stall? It would be nice to get some answers but if you don't, so be it. In any case, it was better to find out now than later. G.Belgium

thank god

finally some man who does not spoil his whole life over one single bitch and keeps on going toward a good future because he has a healty amount of self-confidence. the only thing I would have liked to know more, was which of my so called friends knew it. As for the writing style keep more concentrated. that was only a short story.

Critical Problems

For those who don't care about such things as spelling, grammar, verb tense, voice, etc., this story is "ok." For those with standards, this story fails in a number of areas. First, it drags on for far longer than it should. The "message" was made when the guy found whatshername in the toilet giving head. He told her off and the story line was complete. What this writer did, and it's a common mistake, was to force MORE (ending) confrontations and belabor the point the writer was making. Curiously, the words in each "confrontation" were almost exactly the same as the first, and no plot advancement was made. In other words, writer, say what you want to say--say it--and then get out of the story. Don't hit the same idea again and again and again and again--you get the point. Others have remarked on the voice change. If you want to improve, listen to them. You NEVER change the point of view in a story without a transition that makes it very clear (and plausible) about what you're doing.

Pretty good

Good pace, even some (dark) humor. We know the rant, and true, more build up or perhaps somewhat less ‘bare knuckled’ characters could have improved the story. But I believe that the story provided for the reason most are in this section for…

I enjoyed it. Good job.

The story line was well put together. Look forward to reading more of your work. I like the fact he took a stand. Seemed real.

Great word use.

That's what a lot of those that think it's okay to cheat don't get. It not what the cheater thinks about the affair, it's what the cheated on person thinks about it.
Thank you for the story.

Well Done - Quite Some Depth To His Feelings

You definitely have talent and a fresh way of looking at and expressing them.

So now what? Editor if you wish to get better - to grow. Next recognise that scores and positive reader reinforcement stems from not just talent but strongly from the subject.

Marital Consequence (and this was close to marital) is an enormously emotional arena where anyone can play but not all are credible and draw respect.

Here you wrote to life and some would say its largest most offensive wart. Then you took it beyond the norm into the very feeling many of us have had - it mirrored life in its tangible mind numbing reality.

Very credible and will draw respect - you are appreciated. Lastly and again, an editor relieves you from part of the stress and minutia to allow you to dwell on the talent and imagination as well as the neat ability to write as one would speak - not easy - plus your ending was quite good - again a tough task for many more than rookies.

I hope you remain credible as you have the talent and imagination plus the ability to express it. Selfishly I say - Don't blow it - please.

With Regard [and perhaps more in time]

Great!

Excellent story.

Insulting

Have a little more respect for your readers. If you yourself can't proofread, hire someone to do it!

so so

Something about the holier than thou attitude, waaaa - I'm gonna take my ball and go home. My way or the highway. No interaction, no admitting that two people don't always see things the same way, but my way's the right way. Left a lot to be desired, along with the technical problems.

unforgetable party

Great girlfriend too. Wouldn't ever be able to trust a liar, especially one you caught red handed.

room for improvement

Literotica has a number of volunteer editors, and the use of one would have helped your story out. Aside from the jarring switch from first to third person, there were a number of words that were used incorrectly (i.e. "entangled" should have been "disentangled", "circumspect" should have been "suspect"). An editor would probably also have recommended reordering the story - "It wasn't love at first sight" would have been an excellent starting point for the story, and fleshing out that history more would have given us an opportunity to get to know the characters and perhaps care about them. I'd say that history should have been about half the story, the party and discovery in the bathroom about a quarter of the story, and then the aftermath the remaining quarter of the story. It seemed like you had a good plot idea in mind and then wrote it all down as a train-of-thought; having an editor look over your story and make suggestions would have alerted you to the first/third person switch and other errors, and you really ought to consider taking advantage of the volunteer editors for your next submission.

Proofread PLEASE!

The thesis of the story was good but right when you had the emotion and passion flowing, the drama in full effect you type her instead of he. I wound up having to go back and reread sentences to be sure of what you were trying to say. Take the other posters advice and find a good editor.

Edit, Edit, Edit

The story, though not my type, was not too bad. However, refusal to have it edited, or even proof-read by yourself, cost you points. You obviously don't have any respect for your readers and this is one reader who will pass over your stories in the future. Are you getting a clue from others who are upset with the lack of editing?

Good story

I liked it a lot, makes a change to have a consequence story. Nice emotions too.

Not too bad, BUT

You really need to find an editor, you had numerous typographical errors, you changed voice from 1st to 3rd and back, you changed case. It was a good start of a story, but the obvious errors kept getting the way. In my job, I write non-fiction professional documents all the time, & have done it for more than 30 years. I use an editor all, so there is no reason not to use an editor. Literotica even has resources available, people (even like myself) who will volunteer to edit for you.

I just loved

these characters.Sarah, because she says she is sorry for spoiling his celebration night(not to mention the fact that she was caught sucking another guy off!).Jason, because when Sarah's sister phones him he says to himself "I swear that those two must be related" I wonder what gave him that idea.

Dear Anon......

You commented with this gem: "Something about the holier than thou attitude, waaaa - I'm gonna take my ball and go home. My way or the highway. No interaction, no admitting that two people don't always see things the same way, but my way's the right way." ---- WTF??? The protagonist in this piece was looking for a 'exclusive, monogamist, relationship’. So, what's to interact about? The slut in this tale was luckier than hell. I'd have sued her ass blind for exposing me to God knows what kind of viral infections. --- Jeezz, I can't believe you actually wrote: "No interaction, no admitting that two people don't always see things the same way." What in the flying fuck is wrong with your brain?? Are you demented? ---- To the author: Thanks for writing a tale where fidelity and honor actually mean something. Keep writing.

k sarah sarah

the content made the point, she was a trolop. there was no point in forgiveness and reconciliation. the guy got his due, and she is known for what she is. and jason, he got away from a problem, and no financial hits

Sounds like the girl has a fine career awaiting

one of the legal brothels will love to have her so she can continue being in meaningless sex that doesnt mean anything. To women like this cheating is meaningless and doesnt mean anything. To them their body is special and anyone they want can use it. A shame women dont see mens bodies as special and they can have anyone they want for meaningless sex without affecting or effecting the spouse or lover.

With regard to the So So below

Yes two people can see things differently that is why these two are splitting up and the girls reputation all the way around is ruined. She saw things a very different way where sex with others really doesnt mean anything, just a slab of meat to be used.

a chapter 2

what happens next? i think a chapter 2 is needed.

Very nicely done with a very good ending.

So much or a worthless piece of trash. I use to wonder where all the barflys came from and the blowjobs for a drink girls but you easily describe how and what.

Not much real feeling here.

Writer's stiffness with personal emotions limits the range of feelings between the couple. Putting the end in the third person made the story just trail off.

not all all norcal62

he dealt with it and moved on, just because he wasnt crying over spilled milk. doesnt mean he didnt care.

About as emotional a story as reading page 26 in the phone book.

Not that you didn't describe emotions, but they were held at a distance. The possibility of a great story was missed.

No wimp here

I liked that he didnt go soft, he acted. He pulled her ass out of the stall and the smashed asshole with the door.

What kind of cheap slut does it the bathroom anyway? That's just pure trash.

I only read a little of this garbage.

Then I skipped to the end and rated it 1*.

WAT A FUCKING SLUT AND AT IS OWN PARTY ,HOPE THE BITCH ENDS UP STERELIZED., AT LEAST HE NEVER MARRIED HER OR HAD KIDS ,R ALL SARAHS SLUTS

Too quick - too simple??

Not sure that is the right word - it was simple direct, straightforward all good in most cases. Lot's of emotional language, just too little real intensity considering what happened - and i am not sure why lol.

Maybe it was just too short and sweet, at party, look for GF find her sucking dick confront her walk off - the end is near - the end.

Not a horrible outline but that is almost the whole story maybe??

I try to be helpful with a critique but find myself just feeling this was too simple to work well.

Needs...

Another chapter. Not finished. Wish authirs would finish good stories.

DWormcock is so stupid

she thinks menopause is a button on the remote control

Jeeeeeeeeez

why do you leave us hanging?

I SAW HER THERE IN THE WHOLE GLORY HOLE

and seeing I split. TK U MLJ LV NV

Ending

I don't understand why some authors seem to think that there should be more after a story ends. One of the great guidelines of entertainment is "Always leave them wanting more." Too often authors on Literotica drag out the story after the climax. To often authors even add another chapter to "explain" what happened or to show the other party's side (Oops, I did that myself in my Emails stories). Sometimes it is better for us to just imagine what comes next.

Disappointing Ending

The story just kind of fell off a cliff at the end with a trailing wimper

I thought this was a porn site, not some testing ground for lame ass wannabe writers.

Actually, not so much a porn site as a site for wimp authors.

Most of the stories posted here (by wannabe authors) assume husbands and men (in general) are cream pie cluck loving wimps. By extrapolation one can therefore assume that the majority of the wannabe posters are limp wrist losers. Can't hold a woman or satisfy one.

Another great story!

Sara = Whore! Hope she contracted an STD .. the fucking SLUT!

Quick, Slice-of-Life Story

Really liked the characters & the story...maybe a sequel from her perspective?

Short!!!!!

Sweet read! Thanks for sharing.