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I like this version far better than (2). This is far sleeker, more economical. This lets the reader fill in the feelings whereas version (2) seems to tell the reader what feelings are inspired. The real kicker in this version is the first line in each strophe. It doesn't say, "All I want," or "All I wanted." It deepens the feelings of loss by saying, "All I ever wanted." And all the rest that follows builds on each stophe's first line and the feelings implied.
Reality as an undreamed reality
I have to agree with The comment by LeBroz, although the second sequence as you put it is a very different 'creature', so to speak, not a mildly different version of this poem (a bit like apples and oranges). The internal sequence was intersting as you move from house to children then to love - yetthe object of the love is not that obvious. A reliable lover? a love to self?
Wow!
Thanks, guys! You make me feel like maybe, just maybe, I can write a poem every now and then! I appreciate the thoughtful comments, I really do! And yes, Kolkore, I was doing something entirely different in (2), but as LeBroz says, (1) is very spare, and more technically appealing.
Wow! I'm talking about poetry with informed and sensitive people online! Heaven, I tell you!
Lovely
to be there together in the evening, and find the other still there in the morning... Here.
WHAT YOU WANT AND HOPE FOR
is no more-----no less--------than what all desire in life TK U MLJ LV NV
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