All Comments on 'Deeds Ch. 01'

I don't Leroy.

I guess this is going to be a very short story as that sure was avery short chapter...

But it is too short. You might consider an editor if you don't have one already. For example, does Dee drive a "Porch" or a "Porche"? Just a few little errors here and there. The story itself is somewhat bland. Perhaps you're trying to generate interest by leaving it as a cliffhanger but it's not quite working.

Yes - he needs an editor or reader but so far he has a potentially interesting story going.<P>

Try to give him constructive comments without racial bias so he can grow into what you want and are here for.<P>

So far it looks like this could be a story of consequence - for her but then its early - to early to see how this writer is bent - plus or minus. Hopefully its realistic - some what like life and not another sickly male humiliation.<P>

This was a good start, brief as it was,but your inexperience showed. When LeRoy sees his beloved fiance-to-be drop off a handsome, well dressed man late at night on her way home , most men would be curious to know who the man was, but LeRoy doesn't even raise a question. He just makes love to her when she gets home. He is either very trusting or very naive. Good luck with the rest of your story.

the Ct. Yankee

Let's see what develops.

a proofreader and an editor. The errors are to glaring and take completely away from the story. This line ended it for me: "cool 10,0000 dollars a year. I drove a BMW and my Dee drove a porch. Her number plate read "Washington Queen"." How much money does he take in a year, I cant figure it out unless he left out the decimal and it is 1000$ a year. And his girl friend drives a porch? How big is that porch, is it wood, and what size engine makes the porch move? If you dont know the vehicle brand is done in caps, and if you dont know the word dont use it. You might have it edited and reposted.

she was looking like something wasn't right.you thinking with the small head.

highway and see this coming at you, "my Dee drove a porch. Her number plate read "Washington Queen". " When was the last time you saw a porch driving down the highway? And whose house did it come off of? Sorry this story was so disorganized and confused I just could not read it. Get and editor, get a proofreader, get off that stuff.

I couldn't finish the paragraph with the reference $10,0000. Who does that? And license plates only allow 7 characters...Washington Queen wouldn't make the cut. I couldn't keep self-editing long enough to finish the story. Very bad.

And how about driving a porch. Hope she returns it to the house it came from.

The eroticism could save the story, but just barely.

Let's see

one must know all parameters. TK U MLJ LV NV

I got the wonderful vision of following a porch down the road.....

I said, paint the porch not the Porsche. TK

Handkerchief

And video

1 star - Sorry but even the thought that she might have had sex with the guy she dropped off would have kept me from having any sexual contact with her - until she got a STD check. What did she need the handkerchief for - to wipe cum off her pussy, or her mouth? YUCK!

porch: [noun] a covered area adjoining an entrance to a building and usually having a separate roof. 'So how did Dee drive one?' ;)

I drove a BMW and my Dee drove a porch.

Good story - needs some fixing up on word and spelling choices. See it’s chapter 1 so looking forward to more

The Story direction is not indicated. Hints are there. But not enough to ensure interest to follow the series.