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English
Who Cares
I don't Leroy.
TOOOOOOOO Short
I guess this is going to be a very short story as that sure was avery short chapter...
Nice try...
But it is too short. You might consider an editor if you don't have one already. For example, does Dee drive a "Porch" or a "Porche"? Just a few little errors here and there. The story itself is somewhat bland. Perhaps you're trying to generate interest by leaving it as a cliffhanger but it's not quite working.
Easy Up on the new guy
Yes - he needs an editor or reader but so far he has a potentially interesting story going.
Try to give him constructive comments without racial bias so he can grow into what you want and are here for.
So far it looks like this could be a story of consequence - for her but then its early - to early to see how this writer is bent - plus or minus. Hopefully its realistic - some what like life and not another sickly male humiliation.
Good start,but too brief
This was a good start, brief as it was,but your inexperience showed. When LeRoy sees his beloved fiance-to-be drop off a handsome, well dressed man late at night on her way home , most men would be curious to know who the man was, but LeRoy doesn't even raise a question. He just makes love to her when she gets home. He is either very trusting or very naive. Good luck with the rest of your story.
the Ct. Yankee
Interesting Start
Let's see what develops.
I wanted to read this but just gave up. You need
a proofreader and an editor. The errors are to glaring and take completely away from the story. This line ended it for me: "cool 10,0000 dollars a year. I drove a BMW and my Dee drove a porch. Her number plate read "Washington Queen"." How much money does he take in a year, I cant figure it out unless he left out the decimal and it is 1000$ a year. And his girl friend drives a porch? How big is that porch, is it wood, and what size engine makes the porch move? If you dont know the vehicle brand is done in caps, and if you dont know the word dont use it. You might have it edited and reposted.
why go down on her after what you saw
she was looking like something wasn't right.you thinking with the small head.
What were you on? I want you to drive down a
highway and see this coming at you, "my Dee drove a porch. Her number plate read "Washington Queen". " When was the last time you saw a porch driving down the highway? And whose house did it come off of? Sorry this story was so disorganized and confused I just could not read it. Get and editor, get a proofreader, get off that stuff.
Very Bad
I couldn't finish the paragraph with the reference $10,0000. Who does that? And license plates only allow 7 characters...Washington Queen wouldn't make the cut. I couldn't keep self-editing long enough to finish the story. Very bad.
New car brand
And how about driving a porch. Hope she returns it to the house it came from.
And who would want to read about a needy, friendless man?
The eroticism could save the story, but just barely.
Try harder
Wow, spell check and have someone proof read!
It is a start
Let's see
PROGRAMMING A NON-PROBLEM
one must know all parameters. TK U MLJ LV NV
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