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A Broken Heart Ch. 08

bycellophanesmile©
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Comments (39)
by Anonymous

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by bruce2207/27/08

Fine Story

This was interesting and moving. Her lack of security even down to the end is very human...

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by Smallwanda07/27/08

Well it's a nice ending.

I was kind of hoping for a show down with Jake and Heidi's folks but all and all a nice wrap up. ps I'm realy looking forward to more from the Magrave manor.

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by Anonymous07/27/08

Love it!

Love it! This was a really great story! Love the ending! Maybe you could do a story on ben finding love! He seemed to like Heidi alot! He needs to get over her! Please more of your stories! Cant wait! Thanks!!

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by Anonymous07/27/08

Adorable!

Each and every chapter was a delight, nicely written and presented logically. There are a few writing flaws throughout, but nothing fatal. My one quibble would be with Heidi's parents; people who blackmail usually come back for more, so a sentence in your epilogue could have wrapped up that remaining loose end. All in all, this is an absolutely lovely story.
-- KK in Texas

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by Anonymous07/28/08

GREAT, GREAT Story!

I loved this story from the first chapter! There are some looses ends that haven't been tied up but I think the way the writer ended it was smart. It's left wide open and can be brought back to life for a whole new series. I would love to see Heidi and Jake living life with the new baby, dealing with her parents, maybe Ben and Jake becoming somewhat 'ok' with each other.....all of that can be brought back as 'A Broken Heart Part II' maybe? All in all....a fantastic story! Loved every single bit about it. Please keep on writing. You are awesome. :)

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by Anonymous07/28/08

I guess I'm different

I still can't get past the fact that Jake RAPED her, after he saved her from being RAPED by the other men. Am I missing something here? The story never truly addresses this heinous fact - it's casually brushed over with lame excuses - and it's made to be alright since he had a crush on her in high school and wanted to "make her [his]" to prove a point to her boyfriend. Uhhh.... I think that concept is just as bad and maybe even worse than the boyfriend who was going to attack her. Cellophane, I'm assuming you are very young by the whole premise of this story. I just hope you value yourself more and realize that act is NOT any type of love. no matter the excuses or apologies. She should have pressed charges against him instead of saying "that was the best thing to ever happen to" her. Madness!

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by Anonymous07/28/08

I love a happy ending!

So thanks for giving me one! Although now I think Ben's story is good for a sequel...

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by Anonymous07/28/08

Character Development, Omissions, and Sequel

The story idea is good. The development of that story is not. It's naive at best.

Ben: It was never clear to me how old Ben was. I thought he was a sort of father or grandfather figure to Heidi. So the hint of other than paternal feelings at the end just didn't fit. Anyway, why even mention it if it won't be developed further. A better story would have Ben be her love and protector.

Jack: Anonymous from Atlanta hit the nail on the head. He RAPED her in high school. Later, after his return and spending the night in his bed with Heidi, he went to her apartment and tried to RAPE her again. Fitz interrupted him. Then on the wedding night, he started to force her again. The guy's dangerous. Maybe he's not malicious, but he's not a nice guy. I don't want him around my children! The SOB even forced her to marry him by threatening to take her boy. (Given the difference in their funds, he probably could have done so. Kramer vs Kremer in reverse?)

Heidi: Is it Stockholm syndrome here? After he rapes her and abandons her, twice attempts to rape her again, and threatens to take her son, she "falls in love with him"? Maybe the author got this one right - after a childhood of abuse, Heidi gravitated toward another abuser.

Everything in the description of Jake pointed to revenge against the parents, at least against Carl. Was beating her with a belt (bad enough) really all he did? The story suggests otherwise, but it doesn't follow up.

Sequel: Heidi sees Jack for the loser he is (and always has been). She realizes that Ben is right for her and Fitz. She ditches Jack after he tries some more shit with her. Maybe has him prosecuted and sent up the river.

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by Anonymous08/24/08

Hello People! This is great stuff!

People! He raped her yes, but it was a good thing. She could have ended up pregnant for that ass Mike! And it shows how truly Jake was in love. And like Heidi said,'Im glad you were my first, Jake.' The only part I didn't like is where Jake forced himself on Heidi again. Right before he seen his son for the first time. Thats one thing I didn't like. But other than that, it was all good! Great job cellophanesmile!

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by Anonymous08/25/08

...

I like the story the only real problem i have with it is the rape, there where beter ways to right that part of the story besides being a rape she could have been reclutant at 1st. I know that that was the whole reson for him leaving her alone. but you could have make it out to be like he thought it was rape but she dint from the begining and then it wouldnt be such a problem. another thing was the end it could have been longer and maybe show us how Jake reacted when she told him she was preagnate. i think it would be interesting considering he wasnt there for the 1st preagnacy. Its a good story but i think it still has more story o tell.

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by Anonymous10/16/08

This is tough love...you'll thank us later...

This story had unimaginable potiential, but you didn't think it through and you became stuck. It happens even to the best of us, but here is what I want you to remember. When you're writing a "rape" scene, if you're going to have it be violent, let it be in a historical romance or a fantasy piece or at least put it under Non-Consent Reluctance. People are less harsh on you that way. And instead of making the rape so blatant, you could have toned it down a bit, made her feel really good during, if not at the beginning. You tried but it didn't come across so well.
And the other thing, if you're going to create an alpha male rapist who falls in love with the girl, you have to stick to that character. Jake was too flipfloppy, romantic at times, alpha dominant at others. Keep to your characters.
And Heidi--I didn't like Heidi too much to be honest. She could have used some more work.
Fitz was great.
I look forward to reading more from you though.

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by Anonymous06/27/09

Great series

I thought it was a great series. I thought Jake should have done something more about Heidi's parents, either go to the police or confront them or something. But a very good series.

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by Anonymous07/02/09

Hmmmm

Your story was well written and I enjoyed reading it, but at the same time I hated the characters. I'm sure it's a personal bias, but Heidi was so weak, and I disliked how your writing tried to imply that Jake was somehow a good guy in the end. Echoing what others have responded with, he raped her and impregnated her in high school, tried to rape her again, forced her to marry him and then tried to rape her yet AGAIN on their honeymoon. All of his attempts at romantic overtures set aside, he's terrible.

I rated this at 75%, though, because again it was a well written piece, and I feel like these relationships exists more commonly in the real world than battered women suddenly becoming strong and fighting against their abusers. And abusers often have cycles of abuse and then affection, which Jake follows. I wish Heidi would end up with Ben in the end, mainly because Jake is such a fucker, but that's wishful thinking, I just don't think Heidi, as a character, is a strong enough woman.

Good job!

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Good

I thought I'd wait 'til the end to comment. It's an interesting story, but I think you need to adjust the vocabulary of the characters from the past - the first few lines spoken by Charles and Ashton indicated they didn't speak with modern American colloquialisms or cadences, but after that, all the characters frequently made use of such language. Otherwise, good job! =D

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wait- sorry

I meant the last comment to be for a "Timeless Love"...I don't know how I managed to leave the comment on this one. Probably has something to do with it being 2 in the morning.

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by norcal6208/24/09

Tough love for the writer is correct

From a female perspective, I assume writer is really a female, maybe a "rape" fantasy was okay, but it hampered the story, as several commenters note. Heide was a flake, weak, dishonest, ignorant and indecisive; not a likable woman. All the lovey dovey times and thoughts with and about Jake were canceled out by the times she refused to be honest when Jake questioned her. Having Heide always speak only to herself made the character unsympathetic. I liked the ending, but agree that the gratuitous mention of Ben at the end was not explained and interrupted the mood of the moment. Try some more. I wasn't put off by Jake's character except for the total fanatsy of him showing up conveniently at the bar. High school kids hanging around a bar? Not in my state. Couldn't really understand where you were going with Heide. She had the will to get her AA degree then let it drop, and with no other plans, interests in life or ambition after marrying. The marriage thing was really forced. Can't imagine a Jake "forcing" her to marry him after they had been close again. Talking and loving would have settled things. Having H continue to think bad of Jake while not voicing her thoughts was really flat.

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by Navaura12/20/09

things that make you say hmmmn.

Hmmn, I think this was an interesting story. Heidi was drunk off her ass in the first place when jake raped her, which accounted for her lack of response. Also she was horny and had just been thinking of giving her virginity to Mike, the guy who was such a sleeze back his was going to make her into "a cock sucker." I don't approve of Jake's method of "having her". He sounds like someone who couldn't handle a woman who would've been stronger than him, which is why he opted for Heidi. He was abusive in the way that he tried to force himself on her and his jealousy over the friend. Perhaps he was more aware of the friend's love for her than she was. I also think that him getting an attitude over her not wanting to sleep with him and then apologizing for it is ridiculous enough. If I was her I would've punched the hell out of him or tried. It kind of reminds me of the time I was raped, the guy actually pinned me down to the bed. I didn't report it though because I didn't want to see him and I was confused because we'd been sleeping together at the time and that can be a confusing thing. Anyhow, I kicked him out. He tried to woo me back with words and a stake dinner and tried calling me, but I refused to answer him. I ignored him till eventually he stopped calling me. Anyhow, that was over two years ago. Now I'm engaged and my man in no was is abusive because I won't put up with that. Heidi should've been stronger in the sense that she knew what was what, but then again, she was only twenty two. There aren't many twenty two year olds who have a sense of self. The lack of maturity on both parts was evident and yes, Heidi better watch Jake carefully or else she will end up like many women today in the future.

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by Anonymous03/29/10

fantastic, heart-wrenching

I actually started to cry. this story was so touching. you're amazing. keep writing!!

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by Anonymous04/06/10

i really liked it. you are such a great writer.

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by Anonymous05/10/10

Good idea but...

I think the premise is intriguing and your turn of phrase and storytelling fluent and interesting.

However, I had problems with the story and character development. I hope you won't take offence if I could make some suggestions that (in my opinion) would make it more palatable for some readers. I apologise in advance if I seem to overstep the mark,after all it is your story, so please feel free to totally ignore my comments :-)

1) The story deals with a sensitive issue of RAPE which I think needs to be handled sensitively in order to feel some sense of sympathy for the protagonist, Jake. It is rape because even Heidi says it is on one occasion (although she seems to change her mind frequently on this) and she is clearly begging Jake to stop during the sex scene. If that isn't rape then the whole criminal justice system needs to be overhauled.

If you want to have a scene like this, you need to make it clear that she consented in some way, verbally or physically, and this is more than just enjoying it or having an orgasm. She needs to be physically encouraging or participating in the act, i.e. putting her arms around him or helping him with his clothes. You can bring on the guilt and misunderstanding later on when he thinks he forced her or took advantage of her in her drunken state. The story as it is now is blatantly depicting a rape and unfortunately does not sit well in the "Romance" category but should be in "Non-consent". No romantic hero can be forgiven for this act. And the "I paid for you line" was good in front of Mike and his cronies, but in private between the hero and heroine suggests he really meant it. Not good.

He could still take her away somewhere to give her a lecture because he was disappointed and upset with her, which later escalates into a love scene after a heated argument where she tries to deny his accusations.

2) Why does someone like Jake like Heidi? This is not made clear because she sounds like she's on the periphery of the "popular" crowd and he clearly is not. Your explanation that he asked her out once and she rejected a hot guy (without remembering it until he reminded her) is a little incredible and seems tacked on. Was Jake different back then? Was he spotty and unatractive?

Would it be reasonable to add on a prologue or his point of view recounting this scene when she rejected him and his thought processes of unrequited love?

3) Jake's character is at best out-of-character, and at worst, the classic description of an abuser who cycles through bouts of aggression, anger, threatening behaviour to love, tenderness and kindness. Unfortunately, Ben seems to come off as more of a romantic hero with his unrequited feelings, stoicism, kindness and patience with Heidi, and I felt myself rooting for him more than Jake which clearly is not your intention.

If Jake is cut up with guilt over his previous actions, he needs to be more patient and forgiving of Heidi's wariness and not blackmail her into marriage. He needs to be more sorry for his actions and acknowledge his belief that he forced her (even if this is clearly not so) and it shouldn't be up to Heidi to point it out to him as she does so in a later scene. He needs to be unwaveringly patient and kind, and not act in a threatening behaviour or petulance upon her rejection of him i.e. by kicking the bed. You could still have the scene of "a marriage of convenience" but just take out the "I'll take your child away threat". It's really unpalatable.

4) I liked Heidi at the beginning when she had achieved so much with her education despite raising a small child on her own. She had guts, but then she just became weak... She really needs to push Jake away and make him do all the running to prove to her that he's grown up and not the "meathead" she took him to be. And with her background of an abusive father, surely she should realise that aggressive men, like Jake as he is currently depicted, do not make the best fathers. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to recognise that Ben seems to be the more sympathetic character, and more of a father to Fitz.

Perhaps you could write her as falling in love with Jake, and she can't help it because she distrusts all men, and is determined to make it on her own, and not have Jake take pity on her (or so she thinks).

5) The love scene could come later when Heidi fnally admits to her feelings and begins to trust Jake. This would provide all the conflict/angst/"love worth fighting for" aspect as the main storyline. The storyline is incongrous as it is. He rapes her, finds her FOUR/FIVE years later to say sorry, has a couple of dates and she sleeps with him? And then he declares his love but she can't understand why he wants to marry her? The sequence of events just doesn't make any sense.

If he loved her from high school, and watched her from afar, surely he would try a lot more to keep in contact even if he thought he did wrong? What happened to his sense of responsibility that they had unprotected sex? Perhaps you could explain that he tried to find her soon afterwards but she ran away/her parents sent her away. Then he discovered her by chance waitressing. And Heidi is no longer weak but a strong independent woman who needs to be "won over" instead of forced into a marriage?

6) Can we make Ben older or involved in another relationship? As it is, the ending where he seems to be pining for her just upset me because he seemed more deserving of Heidi's love than Jake, and a lot nicer.

Despite all this, I have to admit I couldn't stop reading your story, and I really think you ave talent. I was just very uncomfortable with some aspects and came away feeling dissatisfied.

Best wishes

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by mrskelley05/24/10

Great story. Ben needs one.

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by Anonymous12/05/10

well, though i really liked it, there was a noticeable flaw. Jake tells her at the end that he never stopped loving her, but when he asks her to marry her, he tells her that there will be no love between them..
other than that, an enjoyable read..

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by Anonymous12/17/10

Ben's story

Ben definatly needs a story!!

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by Anonymous12/26/10

Ben

absolutely brilliant story, loved it. definately need a story for Ben, please write more!

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by 0649d12/27/10

good story but lacking a little something..

What happened to her mum/step-dad?

Does Jake fully prove himself in repenting and making it up to her? Does he make promises not to ever rape her again, and does he actually reform himself through hardship or counselling or religion or something?

Does Jake now trust Ben, and does Ben find someone?

Does she finally build her life? She doesn't seem to have many friends other than Fran, Ben and Jake..

It's a good story in the end but it's just lacking lots of small details, particularly before wrapping up.

I also agree with Anonymous (05/10/10). You're imagining a romance but it may not seem like it to most other people. It's like an unrealistic girl's dream. There's nothing wrong with most unrealistic dreams but this has logical problems. I'll concede however that different people react in different ways, whether they go through the same things as her..

I'll end with a congratulations because it is pretty emotive, especially with the marriage that she was coerced into.

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by Anonymous01/13/11

Not bad

Most everything was covered by other commenters. I must have missed the part where he the right to be pissed because she didn't tell him about the child conceived during his rape of a child-woman. Why would a rape victim have any expectations of wanting her rapist to know about the child he illegally planted within her? She's at fault? Wasn't she the one that bore the child and worked so hard to make a life for her child after getting away from abusive parents? He ignored her and ran away to college without ever following through on apologizing and making it up to her. It was a good story in ways, but yet he continued abusing her at times because of his own immmaturiry. Of course she was afraid and tentative about trusting his motives...Aren't most rape victims? I haven't checked the bio of the Author as of yet but this story doesn't quite fit the romantic category. Parts of it do of course, and yet I feel disgusted with his actions at times. Why doesn't he do something about the threatening Step-father and Mother that extorted his wife and almost caused her miscarriage after her rape? As some have said...this story needs more to make it great.

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by Anonymous06/21/11

This is wrong....

All rapists deserve a mass-murder of their entire race. All rapists should be slaughtered like the animals they are Ripped to shreds, cut to pieces, lying in a puddle of their own blood, piled high with the corpses of other rapists, and thrown in a mass grave together. I don't care whether the rapist is a father or not. Kill the vermin, slowly. Rape destroys a woman, and no matter what, she will be forever scarred by it. Those scars never heal completely. Marriage does not come from rape, only destruction and misery. A holy union of two people who love each other cannot come from such an abomination. They are polar opposites. The moment a man takes advantage of a woman, he forfeits his human status, and is lowered to vermin. Vermin have only one purpose and that is to be exterminated.

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by Anonymous06/25/11

loved the story

i dont understand the ones naging about the rape thing. Its a story its fantasy ! Some girls actually get turn on by reading stuff like this. Doesnt mean that we acept real rapes or want to be raped but reading about it and especially like this well its a turn on !

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by Anonymous07/21/11

Ah. I'm glad you explained everything (like why Jake left and stuff) in the end. Great story. :)

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by Anonymous04/15/12

Amazing

Wow this story kinda pissed me off in chapter 1 but it became an amazing story by the end.

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by Anonymous04/16/12

As always

Pretty nice and inspiring story. However, I found the same mistake in several Literotica stories. That is the use of drug instead of drag'.

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by Anonymous08/31/12

The series was amazing.
I loved it.

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by Anonymous11/26/12

amazing

Amazing

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by Anonymous07/28/13

I can't

I can't get enough of this story this is the 3rd or 4th time I've read it!

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by Anonymous08/30/13

10 times and counting

This story is so awesome! I love every minute of it! I have now read it 10 times!

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by Anonymous08/18/14

Why I didn't discover this sooner!

This is the best story I've read in literotica, make it the internet! At first, I was fucking mad at Jake, and worse when he tried to force upon her the second time, so mad that I nearly punch the monitor! But then I grew to like him, a lot, he reminded me of myself. Possesive and quick to jealousy. I wish I could hug Heidi, felt very sorry for her, Jake shoulda kick the living shit outta carl! I was wondering more on why you didn't describe Heidi's appearance as much as you did Jake, then you reveal the reason at the final chapter. Well written and very moving, emotional and fuck me I'm a guy and got all chocked up! Dang you! I'm gonna read your other entries if its anything like this. Please write more!

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by Twilightfan09/28/14

Perfect Ending

I loved the story, but I REALLY loved the ending. Sweet and nicely wrapped up...

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by Anonymous05/17/15

Beautiful

i really love this story

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by Anonymous10/08/16

Good story good writing.

5 stars all the way thru. Thanks a lot.
Rod

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