- All
Comments (3) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
~
Some readers will get caught up in every single word written here and love the entire piece. I want to look beyond all the emotional extremes, like wailing, howling, tearing of hair, and concentrate on the real poetry that's here. I like some of the poem and I love parts of it. I know how you can have so many thoughts and so much to say and you want to write it all down. But to make a really good poem, you sometimes have to cut some of it away. It's painful, until you get use to it. This poem needs pruning, so that the weaker parts of it don't detract from the fantastic lines that are scattered all throughout it.
There's some wonderful stuff near the beginning of the poem that makes for interesting reading:
I raise my dress up over my head,
My heart ratchets between vulnerability and shut down.
full tilt broil,
or barely warm.
I am a wildcat,
winter storm,
strange beast
of a woman.
This part, for example, is all tell and easily forgettable: I’ll act like I am not the type to beg and plead,
knowing I am.
I’ll wear my pride with steely determination
until it’s safe to lay it at your feet.
I’ll watch you, I’ll wait.
If you don’t reach for me,
I’ll never find my way into your arms.
If you bring me close,
if you are willing to be shelter,
I’ll cling.
I’ll wail.
I’ll tear my hair and howl with relief.
I know I said easily forgettable, but that can be fixed. You can either eliminate those sort of lines or make them more interesting and original. Remember to show the reader what you're talking about and not tell them. Let the reader go away from your poem with images and thinking about what they just read.
One last thing. This is also a great line, probably the best: I’ll be as cool as early January across from you in public.
Sorry the long ass post. Talk about needing pruning! lol
...
I likey, but parrot Evie in her comments. This poem is so hot, it really conveys a mix of emotions like passion and urgency:
"Wild hot in your bed,
I’ll be as cool as early January
across from you
in public."
Hot stuff and I mentioned it in the PF&D forum today.
dammit, I agree
with much of what Eve says here, as usual. It was indeed the first stanza that drew me in; it's incredibly tight and vivid. All in all this is an excellent little self-portrait in many ways.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Ripe or
More submissions by Willow Rain.