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Very good for your first poetry posting! I like the piece a lot. Only critique is that you are too descriptive. You write poetry like most story writers do and end up with a piece that is too wordy. Try removing as many unnecessary words as possible, while still retaining the meaning. I look forward to your next piece. Thanks.
Good job
I like the description, but do agree with the last comment.
What we storytellers do with a paragraph a poet does in with a word.
Nonetheless, I found the poem most enjoyable making the analogy from the see to the man.
Good job.
Fair Enough
The comment on being close to prose is fair enough. It actually was a passage of prose in a story that will post here soon, "At Sea with Maurice." My editor reset that passage to poetry, saying he read it as poetry. So, for a lark, I posted it to Lit. as poetry. There's a sentence more in the prose version, but that related to the larger story and isn't understandable standing alone, so I excised it. Other than that, this started life directly as a prose passage in a story.
Beautiful
Great, lush poem. The poster down the line who says poetry has to have brevity is full of beans. There are no such rules for poetry and some of the greatest poems in literature are buried in detail and lush wording.
This is a prose poem ...
There is nothing wrong with the way this poem is written other then some tired phrasing and superfluousness that a bit of editing could fix. I think this poem is imaginative and "hot" or the metaphors make me hot. Enjoyed, thanks!
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