A Daemon's Heart Ch. 03-04

Excellent!

Love this story!

awesome

can't wait for more

i demand more

its a nice story sorry for saying this but a bit more detail would be better but i like how the storys going anyway i still am demanding more

=]

i like it. cant wait to finish up with the rest of them xD

This story has a really good story line, but i think your moving the characters along too quickly. It was like once they experianced the dream together, Kale and Elyah were instant lovers. You skipped over the whole relationship building process. If Elyah was tortured and raped and left to die, she would have serious psychological problems, she would need for Kale to prove himself to her before she could even consider trusting him.

Developing a relationship between the two main characters in a story is so important, it is what makes the readers bond and want to read more. If they just met and instantly fal in love and jump in the sack, there isnt even any connection between the reader and the characters. Why does Kale love Elyah, we dont even know her personality, her likes or dislikes. All we know is that he is a vampire/deamon and she is possibly connected to some family involved in the mob of some sort, or maybe her brother is in the mob.

Dialog is an other important aspect of writing. It can set the mood of a piece, the time period, and even a specific location. Your dialong seems a bit proper, almost like Elyah was born in the same time period as Kael. you use what i like to call 'whole words'; instead of saying 'cant' or 'won't' you say 'can not' or 'will not.'

Your giving great detail, but it still needs more. You need to work on building a connection between your characters, a spark between them. Also giving detail about their physical characteristics helps the reader to identify with the characters.

Development, Dialog, and Detail. the three most important things to remember while writing a story. I can't wait to read the rest of your story, i know your definatly done with it by now, but i figured some helpful advice is better late than never. i'm really looking forward to seeing what happens between Kale and Elyah. I hope you dont find my comment insulting, i only wanted to give my opinion, which is not a professional one but i am someone who loves to read and have been reading novels sense i was a little girl.

when i finished reading the story ill give you my finaly opinion, hopefully you like it! :)

I like it alot..... :)

Your story is great but it could be excellent......I dont mean to be rude or anything but ur characters need a little more attention they arent describe and if u think about u would of sworn dat Kael knew Elyah for years now. I get that there is a love at first sight scenario taking place but apart from Kael being a 400 daemon/vampire and Elyah proably being related to her uncle who is proabaly running a gang or something and her father being dead they know nothing about each other nor does the reader.Oh and if Elyah was raped and beaten and left to dead behind the shopping center then she would of need to get over some trust issues with men and being able to have physical intimacy with them again so Kael would of need to prove to her that he is worth trusting....

Im still following the story cant wait to read the next part......

Awesome

very good

Eyeeeee don't know.....

...a little too quick on the sex scene.....like...WHAM! bam. thank you mam.... A good storyline...I believe in the characters...it's just ..uhhhhh mmmm hmmmnnnn.... something is still missing in the setup and delivery of the hot sex part. Since the storyline is done already in my coming in to your universe, I can only hope it gets better. After all....It's YOUR universe and I'm just a Peeping Tom passing through!