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English
Chapters are too short:
The result is you are not developing the characters or the plot enought. You lay obvious forshadowing but are not giving enough details in each of the chapters. The first three chapters could in fact be one chapter. Develop everything more.
Nicely Spun
The pot is boiling nicely. One page chapters always bring out
complaints. I admit that it is more fun to read it in one day.
Short...
I liked it, but will agree with the previous post that your chapters are to short.
Short again
Again, this was too short. Please give us the rest of the story!
more
liked it but its too short.Wating for next 7 chapters
Too Short
The story is intriguing. The length is short which breaks up the flow.
Oh come on guys
This is developing great
If you go straight in then half of you complain, and if you stretch it our enticingly like this one, then that half say nothing, and the other half complain.
Hey Davidpaul -- you're doing fine.
Keep it going and I for one will look forward to the next chapter;
Just finished all three chapters
Your doing a great job. Looking forward to reading your next chapter. Its good to see a new author who hasn't made the guy out to be a wimp. Keep writing and keep it real.
I have to agree with most everyone else so far,,,,
This is a really good, almost ridiculously good, opening and basic story "so far", but it's entirely too short.
One thing I'm entirely curious about is the character development. Right now the main character is shown to have one type of personality and character. With the writers style I'm curious if it will stay the course and let him get some revenge and divorce, or will the writer come up with a creative way to make me as a reader "feel" they should be together. The story seems to support option one based on his character, but if the author decides to go with option 2, I hope the reasoning isn't used that because he was sterile that helps even out her cheating so they stay together. But nothing I've read so far seems to make it seem the author will go this way.(^_^)
So far we there are 3 chapters, but they almost could be one, possibly 2 because of how the story changes, but they are kinda short. If I knew how many chapters were coming I'd just wait till the author finished and then read them all at once (^_^)
-Risq
This IS good but he is way TOO calm
Great start. I like the husband so far... he has a brain
and seems to have a backbone.
BUT what I dont get is how Kelly and Greeg --the Sandman-- never told him about their relationship.
CONSIDER: Kelly sees pictures her husband's/ BEST Friend Greg... whom she had a torrid love sexual affair with that ONLY ended when he was sent overseas. Kelly says Nothing ???!?!??
In fact Kelly would of Never has said anything until she is overheard talking to Greg.
sorry the husband is taking this way too easy.
The entire story has already been posted
And I can only say it's somewhat of a let down towards the end. It actually, I thought, started out below average. The story, then, started flowing well by the beginning of the fourth quartile. Unfortunately, the ending just sort of limped quickly and then dropped off immediately into the abyss.
The problem --- and this can be corrected for the AUTHOR because it has to do with story telling/learning curves --- is that he (via his hero) spent too much time summarizing many aspects/parts of the story that should be flushed out VIA dialogues among the main characters (both the good and the bad). 3-dimensional characters BECAME 1-dimensional (and you want story to progress in the opposite direction).
I actually came to like the story a lot by towards the end (except for the ending itself). The author made the hero/husband weaker, or at least less skilled in the art of killing, than the villain, and so the story was actually BELIEVABLE. He had the husband go after some "special forces" guy who's "gone off the reservations" and came up short, as HE (the husband) himself thought it was going to be, and his ultimately victory came via the help of his old mentor from the army....
And THAT part was well done, even if mostly via recollection style by then.
But, alas, by this juncture in the story, the AUTHOR has really decided to end it, to me, unceremoniously... so the story had NO dialogue of any kind; it's just short, unemotional, dry, boring and snappy SUMMARIZING (e.g., I went down and then my mentor came and rescued me and then, shortly thereafter, my former wife blal, blah, and that's the end of the story, folks, etc., etc.)...
The story would have been so much more satisfying, better rated and appreciated, if at least 50% of the summary were cut and dialogues were put in, again, from all characters. The story was not so short that that could not have been done. Remember (for the author), this story was about the READER empathizing with the HUSBAND, understanding his pains and sense of deep betrayal by both his wife and his former best friend, Sandman. Again, it's about the husband taking us, the reader, on a journey, harrowing journey, on his quest to flush out the misdeeds of those he thought closest to him, so we could see and feel what the husband saw and felt, from one moment to the next, over a period of time...
Again, towards the quick end, the reader felt like he was listening to a bean counter chatting away statistics that had no human emotions involved. For example, the wife, Kelly, who was a 3-dimensional character who exuded characters ("My cousin is a slut," she told the husband when they first met), all of a sudden reverted back to a cardboard cut-out. She put a gun into her mouth and short herself, before I got to her, the husband reported to us from his hospital bed!
But, again, over-all the story was decent enough.
Hopefully the author learns to tell stories better, as he writes more, so that it would flow more smoothly from beginning to end.
I like heroes who, for example, are humans and can be knocked out cold and others are the ones who come to his rescue, LIKE THE HUSBAND HERE, as opposed to the John Wayne and Sylvester Stallone types who are always single-handedly wiping out whole evil Asian armies, with nothing but hunting knives, improvised dynamites, and muscles...and still get to fuck the most beautiful native girls silly...therefore, saving humanity from evil doers, etc., ad nauseam...
I think this writer is very good.
And the story is also good.
Excellent, but ...
He knew that she was cheating on him, why did he blow up when his dad confirmed it? Minor but it bugged me. I would have never let her take a week away with my nemesis anyway. But good story and its well written. Thanks, Ttom
A FRIEND A KILLER-A WIFE A BETRAYER
now the plots thicken. Dont stir the sauce. TK U MLJ LV NV
Great Build Up****
Thanks for a very interesting story.
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