There was so much potential for developing character beyond the card board facades you have so far. This is more a plot description than and a fully developed story. There is so much you are leaving out. The story has potential, but I still do not feel anything for any of the characters: back story is important. But who are these people. So far everyone just seems to be an empty face reacting without any clear reason. Even the husbands lack of evidence is surprising when you look at him bringing in a "friend" who in fact might just be the one screwing her and not good old Doug. TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO short.
but I do not believe it detracts from the story. We want more at one time. Maybe a few flashbacks to flesh out the story. And the big one, why is Kelly a whore after her attitude about Susan in the beginning. You haven't explained how Kelly could have had Sandman as a lover and yet be a virgin on her wedding night. Keep writing I like where this is going. Subplots are good.
You should work on dialogues a bit more, quite a bit. It is what gives the character individuality. So far we only feel the narrator and we are not sure what words he would use to communicate with someone he loved or hated.
someone has to die. WOW where did that come from? Anyhow good story. I hate reading the short chapters also but I'm looking forward to reading your final chapters. One of the better stories posted lately. Of course Im a big Papatode fax. No wimps or prisoners taken.
by
Anonymous12/24/08
For God's Sake
The story is DRAGGINNG!!! Post it all!!!
by
Anonymous12/24/08
TOO Much Dragging it out!!!!!
Good plot --But way TO SlooooooooooW-Get on with it!--Looks to me like SandMan is getting it!
I feel I'm listening to a story read by someone who has a speech impediment, maybe like a person who stutters. Almost nothing is happening. I did a word count and there are 1255 words not including the title. That means five double spaced typed pages. I suggest you combine parts so that we who are impatient to find out what is happening (the sign of a good, catchy story) don't self-destruct! Please write more soon.
by
Anonymous12/25/08
You've turned your story into garbage
simply because you don't have the confidence as a writer to just write and post your story, these meaningless little short chapters that provide NO entertainment value whatsoever are a waste of time. C'mon buddy you say you're over 30, grow-up for pete's sake!
by
Anonymous12/29/08
Good story
You write a very interesting story, but your hero seems to be lacking something. He hears rumors about his wife and Doug so he refuses to take any calls from wife and has umpteen beers. Then he meets wife but refuses to believe anything she says and decides to call his friend Sandeman , the same Sandman who was his wife's former lover and never mentioned it to him. Sorry, your hero seems to be lacking common sense or faith in his wife or both.
60 year old George
English
You missed your chance!
There was so much potential for developing character beyond the card board facades you have so far. This is more a plot description than and a fully developed story. There is so much you are leaving out. The story has potential, but I still do not feel anything for any of the characters: back story is important. But who are these people. So far everyone just seems to be an empty face reacting without any clear reason. Even the husbands lack of evidence is surprising when you look at him bringing in a "friend" who in fact might just be the one screwing her and not good old Doug. TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO short.
Going down hill Fast -- WAAAY too short
The Husband has a brain and seem to have a backbone but the shortness of the chapters really hurts the flow.r
I have to agree with those below
but I do not believe it detracts from the story. We want more at one time. Maybe a few flashbacks to flesh out the story. And the big one, why is Kelly a whore after her attitude about Susan in the beginning. You haven't explained how Kelly could have had Sandman as a lover and yet be a virgin on her wedding night. Keep writing I like where this is going. Subplots are good.
Good Story
You should work on dialogues a bit more, quite a bit. It is what gives the character individuality. So far we only feel the narrator and we are not sure what words he would use to communicate with someone he loved or hated.
Still loving it but its almost Christmas and
someone has to die. WOW where did that come from? Anyhow good story. I hate reading the short chapters also but I'm looking forward to reading your final chapters. One of the better stories posted lately. Of course Im a big Papatode fax. No wimps or prisoners taken.
For God's Sake
The story is DRAGGINNG!!! Post it all!!!
TOO Much Dragging it out!!!!!
Good plot --But way TO SlooooooooooW-Get on with it!--Looks to me like SandMan is getting it!
This story is in short, choppy pieces.
I feel I'm listening to a story read by someone who has a speech impediment, maybe like a person who stutters. Almost nothing is happening. I did a word count and there are 1255 words not including the title. That means five double spaced typed pages. I suggest you combine parts so that we who are impatient to find out what is happening (the sign of a good, catchy story) don't self-destruct! Please write more soon.
You've turned your story into garbage
simply because you don't have the confidence as a writer to just write and post your story, these meaningless little short chapters that provide NO entertainment value whatsoever are a waste of time. C'mon buddy you say you're over 30, grow-up for pete's sake!
Good story
You write a very interesting story, but your hero seems to be lacking something. He hears rumors about his wife and Doug so he refuses to take any calls from wife and has umpteen beers. Then he meets wife but refuses to believe anything she says and decides to call his friend Sandeman , the same Sandman who was his wife's former lover and never mentioned it to him. Sorry, your hero seems to be lacking common sense or faith in his wife or both.
60 year old George
3***
Just because it is too short.
ASK THE FOXX TO WATCH THE BIRDS
and more that eggs are lost. TK U MLJ LV NV
Good Reading****
Thanks.
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