Melanie Ch. 01

Wagon Tongue

This was too short to be worthy of a comment. I'm sure that you can do better. Stay with it.

spelling?

I couldn't bear to read much of the story, due to the horrific spelling!! "rapped" her legs around him, instead of "wrapped"? "threw", instead of "through"?.... Come on, learn some fundamentals before you post!

Nothing to add.

Dumb broad getting felt up by black boss what do you expect to happen? Just dumb low class shit and with no spelling check or editing done.

Pretty bad!

Either English is a second language or you are an idiot. You never thought you would write (at least try) something when you slept through English class, for 12 or 13 years! Now it is biting you in the ass. Perhaps an editor would help, but he/she would have to re-write the entire mess.

Yuck

I'll skip the rest of this dog shit.

Spoiling Spelling

I can see where this story will go, and I have a rough guess at Four chapters, but unless the spelling improves markedly i shan't be reading it.

Eye cairn Sea were these storey wheel gow, end aye half a ruff guest ate Fore Chappers butt inlets thee spooling impervious Mark a daily eye sharent bee Reeding Itt.

Spellcheckers are only so good.

Kilroy

No

to chapter two. It's so predictable!!

Break Out, Please

Please break out of the stereotyped story mold of the black man with a large rod, but no morals, the white wife unable to resist even though initially guilt-ridden, pregnancy, husband moves away leaving ole Melanie alone and preggers (unless, please not again, hubby "loves her so much" that he will stay with her and accept her uncontrollable need). I don't hope for the alternate with hubby suing the company for the supervisor's behavior and then with his riches crushing old Tyrone. Isn't there a white wife somewhere who can resist a black man?

00

00

Typical dog shit story - do something different!

Boring and poorly written.

May as well jump on the bandwagon

Please, do NOT product a Chapter 02 of this poorly-written shit.When I looked at the author's profile, all I learned is that he/she is over 18 (well, at least theoretically). From the writing, I conclude the write is in fact probably a male between 17-21, a high-schooler or recent graduate with a worthless HS diploma, who spent most of his school years trading sex lies with his classmates instead of studying.This is so deeply, deeply bad. Author, please do not avail yourself of an editor. Just flip burgers and be glad you have at least that to fall back on.

yeah

great, another dumb author who thinks it's erotic and sexy to have a sex-kick on the shoulder of a black kid in a white family. your fantasy does not really go very far. you should be sterilized as soon as possible, so you don't have the chance to make somebody really unhappy for the rest of his life.

00

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A little short to make any judgement on her yet

I'll wait to see what is going to happen next before I kick her to the curb. Hell she is just horny now, not desperate. Thanks for the post....Rich

Don't let them get you down, SOX217

Don't let the nasty comments above get you down. Everyone has to start out somewhere and these people were cruel....good luck keep writing and go for more in depth descriptions...maybe write in detail about how a woman is sexy etc... good luck

Here's Hoping

As Hansbwl is a commenter, I hope he could write a Hansbwl version of how a Melanie-type fights off the efforts of a Tyrone-type as a way to help you to develop your characters. I would really like to see a positive, loving Melanie emerge from this apparent downward slide and put the predator Tyrone where he belongs.

same ole stuff

most writers that cant really write, will either write about a married woman having sex with a black man, or a man with a big dick. they do this to try to get attention. but to me it just throws the story in the boring box.

What is that makes people think they can write?

Dude,

I don't mean to be harsh but, really. "There" rather than "their". "Him" instead of "her". The lack of plotting, no character development. I hate writing comments like this but in a nation which is quickly becoming illiterate and downright stupid, I feel I have to say something. Keep write, but for God's Sake get a damn editor and take some English courses.

Best regards,
C

Pure.!!

OO - This is a perfect example of bad writing with a bad story line to boot.!! Hows am I doings so fur.? We node Tyrones is going to have a 10" duck - oh but she cun't because she is murried>! Get a life and do us all a favor and quit writing.!!!! Otay.? Thanks

Write a new Bible

It is obvious that you cannot write erotica because you do not finish a session. Go write a new Bible if you can't do any better than this.

check your IQ

There is an unbridgeable deficit in both language and logic.One deeply regrets that someone like this "writer" is inflicted on unsuspecting readers.

Do you have to be so aggressive?

This comment is to all of the other people, from the USA in particular, who seem to take a perverse enjoyment in tearing into a new writer. OK, the story is poor and the spelling atrocious but how about some constructive comments? Did it really ruin your day that much to read a bad submission? Do you really think that someone should be sterilised because they can't write very well? Oh, and to those commentors with accidental spelling mistakes in their comments, try proof-reading your own work before criticising others.

outback doesn't serve lunch....

At least every one I've tried to go to for lunch...

Another?

Another entry in the village idiot's story writing contest?

To the dude from England

Sir, Nobody told him not to write anything else, we just told him to edit the story before submitting it. I find it funny after having lived in England, where they go nearly orgasmic with telling us "Yanks" how badly we fuck up their language, that we now have one telling us to lay off a writer for not using correct English!

Personally, it is hard to get t the finer points of writing when we are so distracted by the careless error. I am sure if this writer decides to continue, which I hope he does, that we can better serve him AFTER he gives us some clean copy with which to work. Then we can work n charaterization, plotting and style. :-)

cheers
C

Not about you

Hey Sox. Don't pay any attention to the dickweeds that choose to waste their time putting you down. It's not about your writting or your story. It's about their low self-esteem. Fuck 'em. Write away......

A racist story for retards

The name of the boss is of course Tyrone (aren't they all named Tyrone in these type of stories?). He is always single and, of course, always - black. Most importantly - they are always attached to a ten inches (minimum) penis.
The wife is always a dim wit white, and sex starved - just before the planned pregnancy.
The husband - white and attached to a six inches (maximum) penis.
You get the idea – a formula racist story for retards.

What the fuck is this??

Why don't you finish the story stupid bitch ?????

Melanie under done

Reading this story was a bit like watching an old video on fast forward then discovering you accidentally only recorded 10 minutes of the program you wanted to watch. It read as hastily written piece that ended well short of a complete chapter. More like a few paragraphs with some machine gun dialogue. There is a lot of tell and not much show in what has been written which does not auger well for future instalments. Doesn't feel like it is ready to be uploaded on to the website.

1*

Women never say "Fuck me." No need to; just let the guy know that is what they want by actions or nicer words such as take me. Plus I always downgrade for trashy piercings and tattoos.

where was the affair all i read that he try to do her

geeeeeez

dat sho bes some baaad rittin'

Lol Tyrone

Funny how all you cuckies pick a typical black name for your fetish stories...Tyrone lol.
This name has been used constantly lol