Alpha Wolf

Wow!!

Gruesome but good. Keep up the good work.

Double wow

Thats one hell of a story! I love reading your work! Keep it up!

hi

listen its good and all but there is such a thing as too much detail. once you state what kind of gun each person has you don't have to repeat the full name of it. repetitiveness is a bad thing hun. other than that I like the story

ummmmm?

ok i like the story plot and everything but... the whole tense thing bugged me the entire time i was trying 2 read the story. just to point out an example of what i mean are the 2nd and 3rd sentences from the bottom, "The mercenary team leader stood up and clasps his weapon. He looked at Brittany and Shintaro." when writing a story it is either happening or has just happened and in theses 2 sentences u hav both. the mercenary team leader stood (past tense) up and clasps (present tense) his weapen. He looked (again past tense) at brittany and shintaro. so i say again it really bugged me bt a good story line

I agree the different "tenses" make for choppy reading. That happens to me often, I found that I have to have someone else proof my work. When I read it myself I don't catch everything because I know what it is supposed to be. Make sense.