Thank you for the effort put into the story however I found it wasn't interesting and there were spelling errors.
by
Anonymous01/23/09
Just beautiful
The imagery used was astounding. I could feel the woman's point of view and understand what she was enjoying with her lover.
I hope you keep writing, you do have a gift for it.
by
Anonymous01/23/09
There are no spelling errors
The problem is that British spelling differs to the American english spelling.
by
Anonymous01/23/09
Could do better
I can only suppose that the age on your profile is your correct one, which would explain many of the flaws in your writing. You have imagined your fantasy but have no basis in reality to hang it on. Look at your first paragraph. You have 8 words to hook the reader and you don't. You use the same word or similar words too close together which means your reader gets bored and wanders off. The boyfriend is supposed to be in his late 30s or 40s? He'd have to be to warrant his own office in a law firm. Most law firms have open plan offices with no hide aways except meeting rooms, which are always booked. No member of the public, whether they were related or not would be allowed in any part of the working office without an escort. It's called client confidentiality when you have all those files lying around. The storyteller would be held in reception until the boyfriend or his secretary, paralegal or trainee would arrive to accompany her to his office - there's one thing you can't do - surprise a lawyer! You also chose to write in the first person which is very hard to do well. Next time write in the third person and hone your skills and observations. Try to write a story which is different from all the others on Lit and if you're going to write about instinct, research it and make it exciting!
by
Anonymous01/24/09
Not bad for a first draft
A little long, alot of bad grammar a few spelling errors, Maybe with some work and a a better use of key imagery it could be almost interesting.Tear it up and begin again.
by
Anonymous01/24/09
Sexy lady can really write!!
An excellent piece of literature. Superb command of the English language. I only wish I could have you read it to me in person ;-)
xxx
by
Anonymous01/24/09
Not bad
I disagree with the harsher criticism here. This feels heartfelt, as if it were probably a true story. I must say that it feels a bit rushed and ends far too soon, it just doesn't feel like enough effort was put into it, as if you were hurrying to get something posted fast for the contest. With some fleshing out, this would be delightful. Sure, it's a little "run of the mill," but so what? That's what often happens on V-Day. It feels genuine. Watch the typo at the end where you say "you" instead of "he."
by
Anonymous01/24/09
awesome
loved the story keep on writing
by
Anonymous01/25/09
Very Good!
I really liked it very much!
Very well written with beautiful use of language (way better than most other stories I have read on here so far and I really want to see the better author for whom english is only 2nd language).
I also encountered only two or three spelling errors which in my opinion is absolutely tolerable.
Loved the idea and the scenery, very, very good !
Keep it up ;)
by
Anonymous01/27/09
Nicely written
Well it's a great romantic erotic story. Well done is she based on you?.
English
Fantastic Story
Just a great story, Fantastic
Embarrassing attempt
Understandably, another writer too embarrassed to post this under their original Literotica name. I'd be embarrassed, too.
I teach students that English is not their first language who can write better than this.
It was in a word...boring. When judged by some of the other stories already submitted, it pales in comparison, there is no comparison.
Effort
Thank you for the effort put into the story however I found it wasn't interesting and there were spelling errors.
Just beautiful
The imagery used was astounding. I could feel the woman's point of view and understand what she was enjoying with her lover.
I hope you keep writing, you do have a gift for it.
There are no spelling errors
The problem is that British spelling differs to the American english spelling.
Could do better
I can only suppose that the age on your profile is your correct one, which would explain many of the flaws in your writing. You have imagined your fantasy but have no basis in reality to hang it on. Look at your first paragraph. You have 8 words to hook the reader and you don't. You use the same word or similar words too close together which means your reader gets bored and wanders off. The boyfriend is supposed to be in his late 30s or 40s? He'd have to be to warrant his own office in a law firm. Most law firms have open plan offices with no hide aways except meeting rooms, which are always booked. No member of the public, whether they were related or not would be allowed in any part of the working office without an escort. It's called client confidentiality when you have all those files lying around. The storyteller would be held in reception until the boyfriend or his secretary, paralegal or trainee would arrive to accompany her to his office - there's one thing you can't do - surprise a lawyer! You also chose to write in the first person which is very hard to do well. Next time write in the third person and hone your skills and observations. Try to write a story which is different from all the others on Lit and if you're going to write about instinct, research it and make it exciting!
Not bad for a first draft
A little long, alot of bad grammar a few spelling errors, Maybe with some work and a a better use of key imagery it could be almost interesting.Tear it up and begin again.
Sexy lady can really write!!
An excellent piece of literature. Superb command of the English language. I only wish I could have you read it to me in person ;-)
xxx
Not bad
I disagree with the harsher criticism here. This feels heartfelt, as if it were probably a true story. I must say that it feels a bit rushed and ends far too soon, it just doesn't feel like enough effort was put into it, as if you were hurrying to get something posted fast for the contest. With some fleshing out, this would be delightful. Sure, it's a little "run of the mill," but so what? That's what often happens on V-Day. It feels genuine. Watch the typo at the end where you say "you" instead of "he."
awesome
loved the story keep on writing
Very Good!
I really liked it very much!
Very well written with beautiful use of language (way better than most other stories I have read on here so far and I really want to see the better author for whom english is only 2nd language).
I also encountered only two or three spelling errors which in my opinion is absolutely tolerable.
Loved the idea and the scenery, very, very good !
Keep it up ;)
Nicely written
Well it's a great romantic erotic story. Well done is she based on you?.
WOW
This lass know what she is talking about
Hot!
inspirational, i was hooked on every word.
Good fun!
That was your first story? Wow! Good luck in the contest.
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