All Comments on 'They've Got Kids?!?'

Been there, done that; albeit on the opposite side of the coin and not nearly to the degree that you experienced. However, having gotten "tuned in" to the inherent challenges of such a relationship (to whatever small degree), I can applaud this article. Although I might quibble on some of the minor details in the advice, it is certainly true that every situation is different. And, as they say, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". Good article, and well worth your effort to get it posted.

One thing I would add to all the guys out there: "HEY! It's a package deal!!! If you don't like the ENTIRE package, then it's time to make a polite exit. Permanently."

-- KK in Texas

Being a recently divorced mom...I agree with you totally. None of the men I have dated have met my children ( well, one knew us before the divorced) but my children don't know he and I have seem each other.

Guys who can not understand that your children come first in your life are not worth dating anyway... and they wouldn't make you feel rushed or bad for canceling dates...If they do.... maybe their just trying to get you into bed...

It appears you had a hard time following your own rules...

I don't. I have dated 2 women with children and it was always for a longer period of time, so we are not talking of days and week or month. but after the last experiance I can only say from a guys point of view a woman with children is now for me defintly a no go. I never ever even try to date one anymore. The moment I hear she has kids is the moment I'm not interested anymore. I don't need the ex friends or ex husbands (fathers) hanging around making nice comments nor do I need the grandparents making my weekend to hell or for the most difficult in this situation, see all the hurt kids eyes because (and you don't know that before)there mom brings home a new guy every week or two. or questions like: do you stay longer than a week or two? no for me these times are over. women with kids is a defintly no go for the rest of my life.

I don't understand your essay. It's no surprise things fall apart the first time a man you've been dating for a considerable length of time finally sees you in Mom-mode, you're going to appear a very different person when you're with your kids. What's more, how can you possibly expect a man to make a massive commitment to you without first getting to know your kids. Why would you want him to? I put a good deal of effort into ensuring that my kids know that it takes a lot of dates before I decide that a man I'm dating is going to become my boyfriend so they should expect him to be around for a while before that happens. Is this irresponsible of me to risk them becoming attached and then be upset that they can't see him anymore? Perhaps, but how warped would their views of adult romance become if they didn't get to see the relationship evolve from early dating to full on commitment? I don't think it would be healthy to introduce them to The Man Mommy's Going To Marry the first time they meet.

One thing I agree with is expecting a man to be more understanding of my limited availability and the increased number of cancellations I'm going to issue, but I state this at the start and explain the high priority my children have in my life. I end up going on fewer dates and certainly have more men decide not to date me at all than I used to, but what is the point of starting to date a man, no matter how much I like him, if he's not going to be willing to deal with these issues?

Also, I was shocked that you think a man should offer to pay for babysitters! Regardless of how modern the world has become, men still pay for most of the food and entertainment expenses of dating. Do you expect him to buy you new clothes, shoes, pay for hairdressing and other date preparations you have? I don't think many women expect that and these are things he gets to appreciate when on a date, so just like it's your toes getting the pedicure they're your children and the babysitting costs are yours.

Despite all these rules you seem to be espousing to keep your children separate from your romantic life, by your own admission the only relationship that you mention that has worked out for you is the one where you broke all the rules and had him meet and spend time with your children from day one. I suspect that this has something to do with it's success.

I'm now married to a wonderful lady with 3 children: 23, 21 and... 10. I met her five years ago, which means the kids were five years younger than noted above. The first time we met, she came to my house, and we had a drink, and dinner. Nothing else happened. After two weeks I met her older children. A few weeks later, I met the youngest (who lives with her dad). It all worked out beautifully: we took it easy at first, but it was always made clear to me that the children came first, no matter what! Guys, you have got to accept this: to a woman, her own children ALWAYS are more important than you are, no question. Live with it. Imagine if you had your own kids full-time, for whatever reason, and your girlfriend complained you didn't have enough time for her... it would piss you off, right?

KarennaC, this is all very good advice. Nicely done. Good luck in your relationship!

Not something that I have to deal with but a very good article just the same.

I cannot see why I would want as KK said - a package deal. - Having avoided children until now I have no interest in other peoples. Having said that I have dated a couple of single mums who were equally clear and up front in our mutually limited expectations. It does not need to be complicated nd its easy to accept that the kids come first for her as long as I am not expected to be bothered by them. -- UK CYNIC

I married my wife roughly 3 years after her divorce and as a single mother of 2. I realize every situation is a bit different but here's my advice.

1) To echo what some others have said, as the single one you have to accept that the parent's children come first. So is it written, so shall it be.

2) Parents, after you've gotten to know the other person (but within a reasonable amount of time, let them meet the kids. Give them a chance to see you in action and understand the relationship but also give them a chance to meet the kids so they can start building one with them. If they can't handle the kids or vice versa, best to know sooner than later.

3) Both the parent and the non-parent needs to be upfront and honest. Otherwise, you're both wasting your time.