The content of your story was exciting and sexy. Having gone to porn stores in western Iowa and eastern Nebraska (before that one was torn down) I can definitely place myself there and see the story so clearly.
However, I must be honest in saying the present tense tends to distract me some. This type of tale would have been wonderful in past tense, first person point of view. (Then it would have read as YOU recalling an old memory!) Also, the paragraphs were a bit long. Perhaps running your stories by one of the volunteer editors at Lit would help in the future?
by
Anonymous02/02/09
Very nice
pretty accurate of the theater... good story. Don't you wish it would happen?
You really need to seek an editor. Your story was difficult, at best, to read. You need to learn what punctuation is, use commas, and utilize quotation marks when conveying the fact that a character is speaking.
English
Sexy story.
The content of your story was exciting and sexy. Having gone to porn stores in western Iowa and eastern Nebraska (before that one was torn down) I can definitely place myself there and see the story so clearly.
However, I must be honest in saying the present tense tends to distract me some. This type of tale would have been wonderful in past tense, first person point of view. (Then it would have read as YOU recalling an old memory!) Also, the paragraphs were a bit long. Perhaps running your stories by one of the volunteer editors at Lit would help in the future?
Very nice
pretty accurate of the theater... good story. Don't you wish it would happen?
Outstanding!
Great stream-of-conscience writing! I felt like I was inside her head.
Seek an editor.
You really need to seek an editor. Your story was difficult, at best, to read. You need to learn what punctuation is, use commas, and utilize quotation marks when conveying the fact that a character is speaking.
too too hot so exciting
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