- All
Comments (6) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
more, please!
waiting to see what comes next!
Nice.
I'm assuming this is one of your first stories? It was good; I really liked the way you played the scene, with Lex watching Jay, and looking away, only to turn back to her again. Lord only knows how many times most of us have done such a thing. Such a simple thing, taking the bus in the morning, and you made it sound so... exciting. Kinda made me wish my morning rides had been like that.
But anyway, getting to the core of the matter - you need an editor. Don't get me wrong. I adore the storyline, but certain mistakes made during the writing process can be corrected easily. For example, if you're gonna use a run-on, stop with three full-stops > '...' > anything more is redundant. Also, when you end a speech bracket with an exclamation point or a question mark, there is no need for a comma > "I want her!" > Just so you know(:
Other than that, I didn't see any other major errors, and I thoroughly did enjoy the story. Thanks for sharing! If you need any help in the future, just drop me a line.
holy crap
This is incredible! Not only are there 2 alt chicks but atleast one is into women. Please tag this with lesbian or something queer. The gay girls who read the stories on this site might miss out on a fab piece of writing otherwise!
just
just yummmm
I'd love to be your Jay
I've always loved the idea of someone being that taken with me...that needful
very sexy
this was such a hot story. the ending had me writhing in my seat.
hmmm
The plot is ok but written poorly-you need to sort out your tenses because slipping from present to past detracts from your story telling and suggests that you don't really write from any real experience-it's just flight of fancy.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to I Want Her or
More submissions by HotJRabbit.