All Comments on 'Office Fantasy Ch. 4'

It has potential but parts of the story are out of order. For example, tell us in part 1 that she has long flowing tresses of red hair, not in part 3. Spend a little more time on the sexual details in each of the parts, don't just sum up the act, give more details, after all that is one of the primary reasons folks read these. Storyline is good, potential there to continue it if you wish.

This is a really great story. However, I feel that there are areas in terms of your grammar which you could improve upon. I notice that all the most popular authors and most successful ones have excellent grammar. Good grammar just makes a story easier to read, smoother, and more enjoyable for the reader. I think you have the ideas and creativity, and all you need is the grammar skills to shoot you up to be on that level.

One area I think you need to improve upon is your dialogue. For example, this line:

Sharrie laughs "ok Mike, will fuck her ass as you look!"

It really should say:

Sharrie Laughs, "Ok Mike, I will fuck her ass as you look!"

That's just in terms of grammar, I really think it would be more effective if it were written more like this though:

Sharrie laughs, "Ok Mike, I'll fuck her ass while you watch!"

Anyway, I really did love the story a lot. I'm just trying to give you some constructive criticism which I think will ultimately make you a GREAT writer. I think if you don't make some changes, you'll never grow as an author and I think that would be a shame, because you really do have a great talent.