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awful!
I'm sorry, but the writing for this story is terrible. You switch tenses non-stop - which makes it hard to read - the plot jumps around with no clear logic and the gammar is atrocious. Not sure if this is your first attempt, but please find an editor, read a few more books/stories to get a feel for how they should flow, and then try again.
Agreed
I couldn't get past the first dialog.
Needs work
This was tough to read. There were grammar issues, punctuation issues, and as a previous commenter noted, the verb tenses switch all the time. I think it could be something with some work. But it was hard to follow what was happening -- BJ and Cam came why? What did the attack at the store have to do with anything? It just seems like you had a lot of ideas and threw them down without thinking through the connections.
What??
Your dialogue appears to be very ethnic in origin. This is fine if you are going to limit your audience. However if you wish a wider audience you should adjust your dialogue and story line to appeal to them.
The story idea was good, the execution needs a lot of work!
Well.....
This story needs to completely redone. It went way too fast and the scenes didn't really relate to one another, also the dialogue was horrible. The sex was painful to read. It seems he would be a lot more gentle considering the background you gave for him. It was like a five minute quickie. Lastly the title has nothing to do with story. Who would want a one night stand like that to last for life...
This story has really good potential but it was not exhausted.
For Gods sake, get some help!
Punctuation, grammer, spelling among other things. As others say, there may be a good story in there, but it got lost. Study and think about it, then try again. This site has good volunteer editors, why not use them and learn.
I don't speak Jive
I guess there's a story in here someplace but without a Jive- Eng-ul-ish translation I guess I'll never know.
I understood the Cock bit, and that was ok so its not utter crap.
I did it!
Didn't think I would understand the story due to so much slang being used, but I did it! Please take all the other readers' comments and work on your story a bit.
do people really talk and act like this????
The story is totally NOT sexy becuase any sex in it is completely drowned out by the... well... everything else.
I love people dancing around the issue in their comments. "Ethnic." Say it like it is. Poor blacks in the inner US cities. If this is realistic -- how they talk and act -- then, there is some serious social re-engineering the country needs to do. The drugs, meaningless sex, pointless violence, anger against other ethnics (Indians).... This doesn't belong on Lit, it belongs on, I dunno, Moveon.org or something. Or maybe Cato institute's website.
Frankly, I think this story is probably not authentic, but someone's parody. It's almost too real to be real.
If it's real, the author seriously needs to get the fuck out of the inner city and date a white man or something, or at least a brother in the suburbs.
And learn to speak the country's fucking language. You talk like that your whole fucking life, no wonder you'll always be poor. Good luck applying for a job when you talk like you've never spent a day in school.
Sorry for speaking the truth, but, it is what it is. Call me Captain Obvious
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