by avasogently
But overall you've dropped the beat on your foot. You've got to pay attention to your metrical feet if you're going to write in form. Montage Dream Deferred is a complete whole as a book of poems, it's not easy living up to that in a single poem. I wouldn't even start with rhyme, just try to work out your personal dream deferred in verse, something that's wholly you and says something in a new way. Someone else had a rotten meat bit in their poem today.
It brought tears to my eyes. I understood the sentiment completely.