A great beginning to your story. I enjoy the slow buildup and the way we're getting to know the characters.
by
Anonymous05/12/09
remove the
Remove all the "...." and your story will read easier, faster, and be smaller in size.
by
Anonymous05/12/09
Remove Nothing
What do you mean remove the "..." and it would be easier to read? Then she would get comments from all of the pronunciation and punctuation nuts. In this case they would be right. The reason the quotation marks are there are to tell us, the readers, when something is a quote and who is saying it or when it is just a regular sentence.
Remove the ".." indeed.
Kellie, you did a fine job. Now, you just have to decide where your story line is going from here.
by
Anonymous05/12/09
Yes , leave the " " " 's
" " " are very important. Shame some people leave silly comments. You are doing a fine job. I echo the previous person's comment. Look forward to the next installment. Soon I hope. :) Well done you.
by
Anonymous05/12/09
Are you people that stupid??
He's not referring to the quotation marks, he's referring to her constant use of the ellipsis. You know...these...things...the multiple-periods-in-a-row-thingies. Wow.
i like the ellipses! they allow it to breathe. you can pause and feel along with the writer. a little suspense, if you will
by
Anonymous05/13/09
People in glass houses..........
When will all these experts sit down and write their own stories and show us how good they are instead of looking for stupid things to pick apart . The story was good and held your attention and was very realistic . Keep up the good work "Green Eyes" .
This story is so much more romantic and seductive than your other entry, I think I could feel you falling for your dad! I sincerely hope that you will continue this story and simply fix the past/present tense issues. The rest of it is fine. I loved reading it and I wished to myself, among other things, that you had a picture that you felt comfortable submitting. I hope that the rest of that weekend went well and that you will tell us about everything that happened when you are ready to do so! Good luck finding the right girl, if you haven't already!
This is a good story and a fine start-good story line and good realistic dialog. I hope this author will continue writing and posting stories on this site. A sequel or continuation of this story would be welcome.
by
Anonymous08/22/10
O wow ! a Great turn on.
Very well written, must be a true story. I envy your dad Kellie... you are both so lucky to have each other. Love the way you seduced your dad by rubbing your ass against his crotch.
Really enjoyed your comic appeal. Very natural (and personable) dialogue that I totally bought into. The background/dating exposition was really entertaining, felt fresh and I had a pretty sweet burst of laughter at the 'faked an orgasm on his face; handjob' gag. (I'm liking things to there but once I saw you're willing to risk what might not appeal to all readers? Owned. At that point I'm totally sold on her character while tickled about ideas on the author as well. Nice job... No pun intended.)
You were very patient with the Daddy progression and it never bored me. Was just enough to get me excited for her and eager for something to occur. Nice pacing. Once something did happen, directly, I kind of didn't want it that sudden (would have loved additional extension of tension there, but I'm excessive and greedy that way). However, you covered with the 'Mom's due in a couple days' maneuver. Good call. I bought that.
The way 'the event' went down, was really fucking hot. I'm really turned on by her. So I bought into his compliance and it didn't cost him in the ethics dept too much. You handled that very smart and succinctly, pushed right through it in a manner consistent with her former exploits (and handled a nice n' simple romantic angle as well). I love that they kept their clothes on. I didn't need them to come off yet. It doesn't hurt that I'm an eternal sucker for a choice ass strapped in spandex - high up with her head down. That wins. Every time. (Thank you Catherine Zeta-Jones for nailing that so supremely in an otherwise shitty action flick. Imprint obtained.)
I wasn't really looking to get turned on just now, but you achieved that. I'll be sure to finish off on the rest of this storyline another time. Well done. It read a bit unique.
English
Really nice
A great beginning to your story. I enjoy the slow buildup and the way we're getting to know the characters.
remove the
Remove all the "...." and your story will read easier, faster, and be smaller in size.
Remove Nothing
What do you mean remove the "..." and it would be easier to read? Then she would get comments from all of the pronunciation and punctuation nuts. In this case they would be right. The reason the quotation marks are there are to tell us, the readers, when something is a quote and who is saying it or when it is just a regular sentence.
Remove the ".." indeed.
Kellie, you did a fine job. Now, you just have to decide where your story line is going from here.
Yes , leave the " " " 's
" " " are very important. Shame some people leave silly comments. You are doing a fine job. I echo the previous person's comment. Look forward to the next installment. Soon I hope. :) Well done you.
Are you people that stupid??
He's not referring to the quotation marks, he's referring to her constant use of the ellipsis. You know...these...things...the multiple-periods-in-a-row-thingies. Wow.
hold on now...
i like the ellipses! they allow it to breathe. you can pause and feel along with the writer. a little suspense, if you will
People in glass houses..........
When will all these experts sit down and write their own stories and show us how good they are instead of looking for stupid things to pick apart . The story was good and held your attention and was very realistic . Keep up the good work "Green Eyes" .
Damn good story!
This story is so much more romantic and seductive than your other entry, I think I could feel you falling for your dad! I sincerely hope that you will continue this story and simply fix the past/present tense issues. The rest of it is fine. I loved reading it and I wished to myself, among other things, that you had a picture that you felt comfortable submitting. I hope that the rest of that weekend went well and that you will tell us about everything that happened when you are ready to do so! Good luck finding the right girl, if you haven't already!
Bang
We have a winner. Nice work.
What a Great Start
This is a good story and a fine start-good story line and good realistic dialog. I hope this author will continue writing and posting stories on this site. A sequel or continuation of this story would be welcome.
O wow ! a Great turn on.
Very well written, must be a true story. I envy your dad Kellie... you are both so lucky to have each other. Love the way you seduced your dad by rubbing your ass against his crotch.
A very nice story...
with lots and lots of build up. I'm just on my way to see if there is a continuation. Thanks anyway.
Aha, a new discovery!
Really enjoyed your comic appeal. Very natural (and personable) dialogue that I totally bought into. The background/dating exposition was really entertaining, felt fresh and I had a pretty sweet burst of laughter at the 'faked an orgasm on his face; handjob' gag. (I'm liking things to there but once I saw you're willing to risk what might not appeal to all readers? Owned. At that point I'm totally sold on her character while tickled about ideas on the author as well. Nice job... No pun intended.)
You were very patient with the Daddy progression and it never bored me. Was just enough to get me excited for her and eager for something to occur. Nice pacing. Once something did happen, directly, I kind of didn't want it that sudden (would have loved additional extension of tension there, but I'm excessive and greedy that way). However, you covered with the 'Mom's due in a couple days' maneuver. Good call. I bought that.
The way 'the event' went down, was really fucking hot. I'm really turned on by her. So I bought into his compliance and it didn't cost him in the ethics dept too much. You handled that very smart and succinctly, pushed right through it in a manner consistent with her former exploits (and handled a nice n' simple romantic angle as well). I love that they kept their clothes on. I didn't need them to come off yet. It doesn't hurt that I'm an eternal sucker for a choice ass strapped in spandex - high up with her head down. That wins. Every time. (Thank you Catherine Zeta-Jones for nailing that so supremely in an otherwise shitty action flick. Imprint obtained.)
I wasn't really looking to get turned on just now, but you achieved that. I'll be sure to finish off on the rest of this storyline another time. Well done. It read a bit unique.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Working Out the Kinks or
More submissions by kellie_green_eyes.