All Comments on 'Finder's Keepers'

I can only thank you for yet another sentimental love story, please don`t stop writing them.

Just a beautiful story, wonderfully written, thank you, thank you.

I loved the whole thing. But who was Nick in the last paragraph? Wasn't he called Pete?

I nearly cried. Wonderful compassionate story

Absolutely, positively, wonderful writing! And the bit with "Momma" passing away.... Well, just leave it to Real Life to screw up a happy ending. But then, that's what sometimes happens, isn't it. Excellent work.

-- KK in Texas

should read Pete, not Nick. So, a revision has been submitted. Thanks to all of you who read this story and enjoy it.

A few years ago Scouries made me cry with one of his stories. Now you have too. I can't think of any higher praise.

Scorpio this was simply superb. A clever tale well told and unlike most others on LITEROTICA it has just the right balance of love with just a touch of pathos to make it truly a masterpiece. You continue to light the way for other lesser writers with yet another glimpse of your brilliance. Perfect in every way – any further comments would be superfluous! Pete.

Wonderful story with all the elements that make a story great. Sympathetic leading characters, great narrative, beautiful development , real pathos in death of Moma. A great job of writng. Congratulations!

60 year old George

This was a truly wonderful story. You were able to weave believable charecters into a fine narrative, always leaving the reader wanting more. Please keep up the great work.

Why is it that the writers that write the best stories are in the over 50 catagory. I've read a number of different stories and it's always the older writers that write the best stories.

At first the abruptness of the rhythm caught me off guard. When I realized that it's the way people really talk in places where the best stories are made of actions and unspoken words,it developed a swing of it's own and I was hooked. When a writer is unafraid to grab your heart and squeeze really hard, it's up to you to either let them squeeze, or turn away, and I'm glad I didn't turn.

Thank you.

OGB

I wasn't sure what I was expecting from this at the beginning - I know I wasn't anticipating a tale of gentle love :) Still, that's no bad thing.

Your characters were well rounded and the dialogue was very natural. The farm details added to the authenticity of the narrator's voice, as did his love for Momma. Momma's death was awful [bawl] - I loved the way she accepted Mira with open arms.

My favourite line: her breasts were "big enough to make life interesting." Heheh.

A few points to consider:

- I wondered why, if they were now married, the couple still gave their baby away.

- I thought Mira was a lot younger until she mentioned that she was 34. Maybe other readers can tell me if I'm alone here?

- Mira says that she doesn't sleep with Matt the morning after, but later on, she says that she did. I was a bit confused there.

- Just to echo another's point; who was the Nick at the end? I thought we were reading about Mira and Pete? More to the point, how is it that we switch suddenly to the third person? It's a shame, because you have such a great tale and then the last line falls down a little.

Thanks for posting it!

"If the man who got you pregnant was black, had a genetic problem, was retarded, we need to know. If he was drunk and had a beard, we don't need to know that. Does that make sense?"

I thought that a bit racist... what does it matter if the dad was black? It sort of killed the story for me there sorry...

Erotic couplings is OK but I think Romance is a better fit. Very good understanding of how country people think in this story. Well done.

What I like best is that you write a lot of good stories and they're not all the same. But they all read well.

Boyd

If she was having a mixed race child or there was a chance of birth defects than the new parents should know in advance, it might not change a thing but they should have the facts. Her being pregnant than sleeping with the brother would bother me a little also. Is he trusting a stranger to change her lifestyle or are they country swingers?

I am 67 years old and have read a lot of stories in my time and this one did bring a 'few tears' to my eyes and made me stop and think of how the real country folk are and you hit the nail on the head with this one. Most are God loving people and take care of there own and then some.! Bless you. JAG/TSO* Tn.

<p>A man and a boy while driving spot a naked woman tied to a pole alongside the road. They stop to lend assistance. The woman has been raped and beaten by three men, one of whom was a doctor who was incensed that she sought to have an abortion.</p>

<p>The two travelers, a man and boy are on their way deliver the boy to his college. Of course they cannot stop to go to the police. <b>These men who were trained so correctly, see no reason to alert the authorities that three rapists are walking the streets.</b> Nor do two men see any reason to visit another a doctor so that the woman can be treated, instead, they bandage her wounds themselves. That's real country-folk for you. They hate the authorities.</p>

<p>These two “gentlemen” joke of sleeping with this rape victim the very first night of their journey. She jokes too, but then offers herself to these men. Again, this is the same day she was rescued. Oh my, how some women heal so quickly from such an ordeal!</p>

<p>Of course, by the second day the older of these men is arranging an adoption for this woman's child. By day three he knows he loves her and she loves him. Need I go on?</p>

<p>Eliminate the woman's background and there is no character development. We know more about the man's mother than the two central characters. There are elements of a story that are designed to elicit our sympathies: the mother dies, the father cries, son carries on the family farming tradition. Certainly those scenes called forth the reader's emotions. But to what context do we give those emotions? What characters are worthy of our sympathies other than the father? </p>

<p><b>The very fast pacing in this story simply outran the logic!</b> Indeed it left whatever story that was intended, unwritten in the author's mind. Put another way, <b>this is not a story</b>, it is a mess. While the author has a command of dialog and can write coherent sentences, he forgot to include any semblance of reasonable logic. </P>

One of the best short stories I've ever read...anywhere!

Thank you!

I enjoyed this story very much! I admit I know little about farming, the closest that anyone in my family came to farming was owning some farm land, but you made me understand a little about the life.

<p>I was confused about Nick but I see you are fixing that. I also noticed another minor problem: you say "Beth would be matron of honor" then in the very next paragraph you say (half way through it) "Beth said she couldn't". The 2 seem to contradict each other.

<p>Despite that confusion I still give it a 100%.

Thought this was a well written story and while I love a happy ending, this doesnt quite qualify as that. But otherwise very good!

On one hand, this was a nice story, written well and the romance was nice (on the farm). On the other hand...I have to agree with TE to some degree. I wouldn't call it a mess, but your timeline was definitely off. Mira was broken, bleeding, beaten badly, and raped...but that night she's ready to sleep with them to pay her way? Did her body miraculously heal? Real gentlemen would have slept together in one bed and given her time to herself on the other. And I highly doubt she'd be spry enough to be doing anything other than moaning and asking for painkillers... especially if they were beating her so bad that she prayed for death. The next thing is...okay, she is bruised from all that beating and has cuts all over, but you want us to believe that somehow she looks okay enough to make another college student jealous by fawning all over the brother. If I saw a woman that had been beaten down and tied up (so there would be lacerations on her wrists too and I doubt she'd be willing to use her hands for too much the night after) all over some kid, thanking him for "last night", I'd be two steps from calling the police on the kid cause I'd be thinking, what the hell did he do to that poor woman last night? And really, she would not be enjoying Epcot after that ordeal. I don't think she'd be keen on walking and certainly not able to out-walk a farm-raised healthy man. I think you need to think about the story and the details and reconstruct your timeline or change how badly she was beaten. It just doesn't make sense. But, the part while they are on the farm (if the timeline was extended a bit) is beautiful. I like the hospitality of the family and the feelings and acceptance that you get from them. But, it's all a little too unrealistic. I want to connect with the characters but then it's hard not to get pissed at someone taking advantage of a poor raped and beaten woman...and yes, making her sleep with one brother or the other, even if there is no sex (and newly raped women usually shy away from sex for a while after the ordeal..usually. There are also nightmares, PTSD, or other things to worry about too when getting involved with another man) is taking advantage of her. Now, if he nursed her back to health and waited for her to come to him, sure. But, healing would take time and time is not something you give them. It's just too much. If there wasn't the sex implied in the first few days of them being together, then this would have been a much better story. Sorry. I don't mean to be so critical, but it is a little too fast paced to make much sense.

While I do not believe the story was a mess by any means, I do agree with many of TE's comments: not taking her to a doctor, or law enforcement based on the brutal assault, causing her to have to sleep with one brother or the other, her fast recovery from a beating that reportedly nearly killed her, etc. However, real people in life actually do things like that. Certainly, Scorpio could have fleshed out the story as TE suggests, and if done well, would have improved the story into other potential dimensions. Yet, even as it is, this is an excellent story. A very good and enjoyable read. Comparable to the best on the site. So for that, top score. Thank you Scorpio.

<p>The two travelers, a man and boy are on their way deliver the boy to his college. Of course they cannot stop to go to the police. [They could and chose not to.]

<b>These men who were trained so correctly, see no reason to alert the authorities that three rapists are walking the streets.</b> Nor do two men see any reason to visit another a doctor so that the woman can be treated, instead, they bandage her wounds themselves. That's real country-folk for you. [That is country-folk, not out of hate but out of self reliance. It may not be your way of handling things, but it was their way, and logical under their rules.]

They hate the authorities. [No, they don’t. They just don’t rely on them the way lots of city-folk do.]

</p>

<p>These two “gentlemen” joke of sleeping with this rape victim the very first night of their journey. She jokes too, but then offers herself to these men. Again, this is the same day she was rescued. Oh my, how some women heal so quickly from such an ordeal!</p> [She offers to “SLEEP” not have coitus. Big brother reminds his younger brother to follow her lead, be gentle and “no intercourse.” When one of my daughters was raped she wanted to be held, comforted, protected every night for three months. Her choice. She explains offering herself to big brother later in the story. Her history with men made it hard to know how to say Thank you any other way.]

<p>Of course,[?? Why Of course? It could have gone six other ways.]

by the second day the older of these men is arranging an adoption for this woman's child.[He followed her lead and his sensibilities. Nothing was set in stone. At any time she could have said, “Whoa!”]

By day three he knows he loves her [He didn’t say that. You made that up.]

and she loves him. Need I go on?</p>

<p>Eliminate the woman's background and there is no character development. [I’m glad you offer this analysis. Other comments point to readers who saw the character of both brothers, Mom and Dad and even their friends. Some readers can “read between the words” and see character. When Dad sits at the table and says “What do you want me to do today?” He gives a three page explanation of his character and that of his family, their style of communication and insight into the life on that farm.]

We (You) know more about the man's mother than the two central characters. There are elements of a story that are designed to elicit our sympathies: the mother dies, the father cries, son carries on the family farming tradition. Certainly those scenes called forth the reader's emotions. But to what context do we give those emotions? What characters are worthy of our sympathies other than the father? [Obviously, in your case, none. I will review the story again and see how it could possibly be altered to meet your expectations and mine.]</p>

<p><b>The very fast pacing in this story simply outran the logic! [I outran the logic! Yet you also point out that I forgot to include ANY semblance of reasonable logic. That alone is incredible! I wonder how I did it?]</

b> Indeed it left whatever story that was intended, unwritten in the author's mind. Put another way, <b>this is not a story</b>, it is a mess. While the author has a command of dialog and can write coherent sentences, he forgot to include any semblance of reasonable logic. </P> [Again, thank you for being so clear in your analysis. I will review the story again, I promise.]

I hate that the mom died before she could spoil her grandchild but it was a wonderful story. Great work.

I enjoyed this fast-paced story; it brought back fond memories from my youth, and tears for my mamaw too.

The criticism of previous comments reminds me of how varied our emotions and lifestyles are in these United States.

It is a great story

Scorpio, this is probably your best story. Not burdened with details. Just enough to engage the reader's mind. Very well done.

I think TE needs to lighten up a little. What is it about some of the commentators around here that want absolute realism and believability in the stories here? For Pete's (pun intended) sake, a lot of the literature around here involves men with large cocks who can get it up just minutes after ejaculating gallons of sperm and do it for hours over and over again. There's realism for ya. If you want "reality" pick up a book in the non-fiction section at the library. I come here to be entertained. This one tugged at me a little. I liked it a lot.

The no nonsense way of confronting life was authentic, for country folk. Pete had a great dry wit that I enjoyed. I though it was wonderful how this family embraced Mira so completely. The plain as dirt common sense talk about baggage was well done.

Oddly enough, I never once considered why they didn't, at some point, go to the police but I did find it slightly off that she lacked a more obvious defensiveness someone with her background would have. However, spending significant time with a family like this would go a long way in relearning how to relate to people now that she's surrounded by genuine affection and not predatory users.

A tiny inconsistency had me going back and rereading to make sure I had the time line straight. They dropped Matt off for freshman orientation and maybe 3-4 days pass before they've already completed the fall harvest and turning the fields? Fall harvest happens late Sept - mid Oct. Freshman drop off is late Aug. Yes, splitting hairs... except to a farmer.

I really liked this little tearjerker...a good solid read with a good story arc and pretty well developed characters. A nice change from kick the bitch to the curb master revenge navy seal stories.

that spellcheck misses because they are both real words, but I loved going "from foster home to faster home," as that seems to be the gist of the comments.

Good story. I appreciate Scorpio44a's response to TE.

Something Scorpio has been doing for a long time -

I enjoy when he makes me draw the images in my head based on what he writes - the challenge to "get" what has said and interpret it reasonably.

I loved the story - hated what happened to Mama way too soon and then to Dad too - life pairs do not do well separated.

All of TE's inconsistencies seem based on his social bias and ignorance of a long standing, strong willed self reliant sub-culture that allowed all of civilization to eveolve.

We were nomads until a few figured out how to make life livable in one place without help - they still do it today. Cities, countries never could have developed with out them nor could they survive.

Great story - thanks

I guess I had no problem with any of the story because I was raised poor and in the Country myself. There was no education or city living, or political correctness to teach me anything different. I was a hard-working country kid working on other neighbor's farms driving tractor, bucking hay, etc. I was naive, trusting, and was raised to wave at everybody and help anybody I met that needed help. We helped the elderly, our kin, and we could get a gallon or two of gas at any place we were near when we ran out. People would stop and help you. It's the way it is or was in small towns and rural America.

It has changed a lot in most places. Nobody would have wanted to raise an interracial baby in these places before the 70s. White America has always been biased against doing such a thing up until the last 20-30 years. It was not that all country folk hated blacks. It was just politically correct up until the 70s to stay segregated as much as possible. If you go onto Indian reservations today they will still stop and help you even though they don't trust the Caucasion race.

America has come a long way, but their is still a lot of racism in America left. I have two daughters that are constantly told how beautiful they are with their perfect skin tone. They are half-breed Pueblo Indian but they look perfectly white except for that tan skin tone, or when people see their beautiful Native-American mother. What is annoying is the condescending tone they get from older White women when they are praised for their beauty, as if, how could that be?

I have lived in larger cities and towns since my youth and there is little of that concern or caring anymore. Now you call 911 or the police and allow them to handle it. for a long time, people would just stand and watch, not wanting to get involved. Thank goodness for cellphones as some people will call for help now, rather than just stand and watch.

Sorry, just some of my thoughts of what I have experienced and observed in my early life...and during a 40 year career to serve and protect on the highways...

Seems to me I often read a comment saying 'how can you criticize Scorpio's writing when it's so much better than what we usually see on this site.' Point is, because his writing, particularly dialogue, is so good, we are moved to comment. We are moved to point out problems with spelling, time lines, plot jumps, character development. The comments, critical or not, deepen my understanding, my experience of what I read from Scorpio. Thank you all.

Now, if this or any story is rewritten, I'd want to read it again. How would I know?

-Rusalka

was going to get all critical about Mira's character as an orphan, then I remember knowing someone similar. Realistic enough, people are different and cannot be put in the same box

very well done. character development for people who are not complicated but still very deep in understanding of themselves, their place in the world, and their understanding of love and duty. it is amazing to see problems written in such a direct fashion with understandable solutions.

I know this is a long time after you submitted this story but I wanted to say 'thank you' anyway. Your description of everyday happenings and farm talk added to the warmth and the loving in the story and made it as real as if I were part of it too. Love your writing.

The excitement was over in the first paragraph. Maybe excitement isn't all it's cracked up to be. I enjoyed your story. Simple was beautiful.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. When I got to the part when the mother was in the hospital I knew what was coming. The comment about the doctors not being worried struck a chord with me. When mommy died I was remembering when the doctors told me I shouldn't worry about my daughter. Later that night I was called to the hospital and made it just in time to hold her before she died. What you wrote reminded me of that moment and I cried. Thank you for a heartwarming story.

I come back to favorite stories from time to time. This is one, and I still tear up.

Sensitive, real and well written. I greatly enjoy this genre (much more than your "loving wives").

Here I am, a hulking great hard bitten old man and you made me cry.

I don't care about any of the nit picking detail. If you can do that you deserve your 5*

well written with a lot of human interest and feeling

Had me choked up through the entire story. Had to keep reminding myself it was a work of fiction.

gotten to know each other, developed a friendship, learned at least a little bit about each other, maybe we too would know who they are.

Excellent Story. I wish everything I read reminded so much of life on the farm and of people who took their responsibilities seriously.

Woodbgood

What a huge rarity - almost a collectors item!

A no nonsense, consistent and well plotted story. The only very slight niggle was the mothers death, although I suppose, having had a damn good twang at all the usual emotional suspects (and subjects!) the author was entitled to the slight over-egging of a well crafted story!

Anyway, my vote is for five of those rather painfully pointed little things - well told!

Whoa. That was pretty nearly a perfect story.

Great story.5

The author says that’s the way country folks are. Maybe some country folks he knows. My in-laws are country people. None of them would be okay with letting three rapists loose in town. Involving medical help and police would be a no-brainer.

@Anon 5/18: I think there may still be as many as 3 Clinics that perform abortion in Alabama, but they are in big cities, due to attitudes outside the cities.

A town with 1 doctor who is Pro Life of the flavor described here would regard any report of rape from a /furriner/ who recently drifted in as a deliberate attack on one (or more) on their own. NOT a good prospect. A metro hospital in Atlanta or Columbus GA might give her some help ...

Despite Scorpio44a's rebuttal, I tend to agree with most of TE_Ross's opinions of how this story went. Personally, I found it to be a story with a solid outline but poor execution. As a narrator, Pete was dry and unemotional, which dampened most of the impact the story's more emotional moments called for. He's meant to be pragmatic, assertive, and gruff but the way he's written makes him seem stiff and almost robotic, rather than compassionate and decisive.

Mira, as a character, is unrealistic in just about every action and emotion she displays. Like TE_Ross, I found her reactions following her brutal rape and attempted murder to be ridiculously unlikely. As we're purposely never told anything but the barest minimum of facts about her past we're left to believe the implication that, what she's lived through has hardened her so much that she's decided to block out and leave her recent pain in the past. If this was the author's intention, it didn't work for me, personally. No matter what kind of history a woman has, there's no way she's simply going to be up to flirting and necking with 18-year-olds in college then going to Disney World within two days of being brutally beaten, raped repeatedly, then tied naked to a telephone pole. I'm sorry, that just would not happen. Sure, maybe a woman in her position would have wanted to be gently held and cuddled to feel comfort after a horrendous violation but the rest of it? Even women who were betrayed and abused as children on a daily basis wouldn't be as nonchalant and dismissive as Mira was about her ordeal.

As for the other characters, there was a similar lack of realism in how they all behaved that just didn't sit right with me. The way Pete's family behaved towards this stranger with an unspoken past and a baby she's more than willing to give away was just too improbable to explain away as country practicality. With the notable exception of Matt, I found very few of them to be believable.

In a similar vein, I found the basic sequence of events in the story to be very unlikely given the situation. First and foremost, if a woman had been beaten repeatedly and raped by three men, then tied to a telephone pole for an unspecified time where she was beaten some more, some bandages and a bottle of Tylenol would NOT have fixed her right up. She sure as hell wouldn't have been scarfing down burgers, grilled cheese sandwiches, and greasy fries hours afterwards. So, they don't bother to talk to authorities or take her to a hospital. I guess they figure basic farm animal care is enough of a medical education to determine she's fine. After her unlikely night sleeping with Matt her wounds are hardly even mentioned again. Mira is beautiful and Jeremy doesn't mention anything about her injuries when she's sucking face with Matt the following day, so apparently these three men who beat her with the intention to punish a whoring baby murderer never hit her in the face. Either that or they were weak as hell, which makes even less sense. Sure, maybe they just hit her on her torso but if that were the case why would her baby be fine and how could she hold down a greasy fast food meal? At any rate, she was somehow fine enough to spend an entire day walking around Disney parks the day after her brutal attack, so maybe she's a superheroine with quick healing abilities.

On the two go towards home where they make instant decisions how to deal with Mira's unwanted baby, dumping it off on Beth who's apparently so desperate for a kid she'll take one regardless of the mother's past and experiences. Why someone this open-minded hadn't already adopted a crack baby from somewhere is left unsaid. They're met by cops who give them an escort to Pete's mother's house as though Mira's going to have the baby at any second. Funny that they get help from the authorities for basically no reason when they didn't even consider going to them for aid when Mira had been raped and left for dead. The doctor's at Pete's place and says nothing about her injuries other than to confirm that her super-baby is fine, yay! Mira gets along with everyone perfectly even though she's lived 34 years without any appreciable personal connections in her entire life. She shows no signs of being jaded or mistrustful even though she's been shuffled in and out of the system for almost her entire childhood and is apparently so used to abuse that her traumas don't affect her behavior towards strangers at all. Everybody gets horny as Mira and Pete revel in their newfound relationship and everything's just hunky-dory. In no time flat a date is set for the wedding and Mira fits into Pete's family like she was born into it. They get married and the girls wear lavender. The guys wear grey. Matt tells everyone that he slept with Mira first, HAHAHA! Yeah, farmers living in a small town where a strange woman shows up ready to give up an unwanted baby... I'm sure that joke will go over well. Then Pete and Mira go on a honeymoon and, oh no! Momma dies! The end.

While I'm thinking about it, why didn't they ever go back to Mira's apartment and get all her stuff? It was three rapist assholes who left her for dead, not the entire town or the cops.

Yeah, choppy and unrealistic pretty much describes this entire story, I'm sorry to say. It's a shame because the setup was actually quite intriguing and I was looking forward to how it would unfold and delving into the mystery of Mira's past and how she got to where Pete found her. Had this been a much longer story with a much more realistic sequence of events and character reactions and a more robust background it could have worked very well. As it stands I simply can't buy into the story as it's written.

I think "Quintius" is trying to make a fantasy/fiction and country/family story into a non-fiction cop story. Well, I like those stories too, but that ain't what Scorpio44a wrote. There are real country farmin' folk a generation and two and three and more back on both sides of our family and while some folk we knew talk a lot, most talked a little, while working a lot. I found that the details that were left out (that might satisfy some) didn't impede the tale at all. Actually, I've read it three times several years apart and this time it read just as nicely as the first. So I thought I would just say that. I hope you are still writing good stuff.

Cheers, Scorpio44a.

This is the crazyiest gol durn story I have ever read in LW. And for that alone it deserves 5 stars.

Oh man, just, nothing to say but wow.

A really great loving story that is very touching and warms the heart.

Thank you for your creative writing and sharing.

Please, perhaps a further chapter of love and giving as a brief continuation.

SW

ANOTHER GREAT ONE !

THANK YOU !

Quite a bit different than stores I read normally, but I liked it, nice character build up, the plot could have been padded out a bit more but still a good read.

One chapter at a farm ends and another chapter begins. As said in a movie ... A CIRCLE OF LIFE

Great story! I have lived on a farm so this is very good Story! DERMTMAN

Lovelybstory. Just needed some justice for the doctor in that town

interesting. nothing happens to the Doctor?