All Comments on 'I Pushed My Pud Up Her Poop-Chute'

by Quint

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  • 58 Comments
sacksackover 19 years ago
extremely well written....

And well deserving of the "E". This should be required reading for all writers. Excellent!!

_Erik__Erik_about 19 years ago
Fuckin' A!

Wow. That's good. The opening paragraph was hilarious. Didn't know a couple of those words, so, rock on! Fuckin' a!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
quim?

im from the UK and have never heard of the word "quim" in my life!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
There are other words...

Some of Quint's suggestions I agree with: I use 'pussy' and 'breasts.' 'Cock' sounds harsh to me, even harsher than 'dick.' I think I'd use 'penis' or just his 'you-know-what' or his 'thing.' What's wrong with 'wang?' I thought it sounded kinda cute the first time I heard it.

'Ass' sounds too crude to me, and 'butt' reminds me too much of 'plumber's butt.' It doesn't sound sexy at all. I was thinking 'behind' sounds cute, or maybe 'rear end' or even 'bottom' or 'backside' depending. I don't use 'buns,' but it has the right kind of playful tone too. 'Cheeks' sounds nice and comfy. 'Crack' is probably more common than 'cleavage' or 'cleft,' but none of them sounds that appealing. How about 'valley?'

I didn't know 'bum' was British until just recently. I think people in Canada and Australia say 'bum' too.

Emi T.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
*appalause*

Very, very good :)

Just a sugestion - 've always found"backside" a good term for the gluteus maximus :P

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
Thanks!

I love to write, but being from a rather conservative world this is the part that's always been the most difficult for me. Thanks so much! This one's a great help.

fuzzy_pink_pjsfuzzy_pink_pjsover 18 years ago
rumbley in the tumbley

Love the ideas and the matter-of-fact way you say it!! But one thing....Salt? Oregano? Peanut Butter and Pickles?? Were you hungry when you wrote this???? lol

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Brilliant

Waht can I say? This is an excellent piece of writing. Although I'd have to say that 'quim' is rarely ever used in Britain any more either. Also, I'd agree with whoever wrote that 'cock' is possibly harsher than 'dick'.

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Thanks - Great

Pretty much agreed with all. I saw a couple of nasty comments about using the word pussy or pussy cream on another site. I have used that for a character (not the heroine) and it seemed to fit her OTT amoral, personality, hedonistic personality. I can't imagine her using anything else. I'm not really that fond of cunt (as in you cunt) but it doesn't bother me to read it.

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Giant Meat Hammer?!?

To give another bad example of a descriptive term, I recently saw in a story here at Literotica, a cock described as a "Giant Meat Hammer"!! I stopped reading the story immediately at that point. I just figured that any author who would use such a Dumb-Ass descriptive term for a penis, well, I did not want to read any further! Where do some of these authors come up with some of these terms? Never mind, I do NOT want to know!!

Tom CollinsTom Collinsover 18 years ago
Starfish...Haaaaaaa

I've never heard that one before. It got the exact reaction you said it would too. I laughed my ass/butt/arse/bumm off!

Tom CollinsTom Collinsover 18 years ago
P.S.

You could also use "wang" effectivly if it was immediatly followed by Chung. (Wang Chung is an 80's band for those who are unfamiliar)

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Flabio's Heaving Bosoms, Batman!

Okay, I got a chuckle from this Quint, excellent writing. Quim actually is still in use fairly frequently, but I've only seen it in BDSM stuff. For example, "The Art of Erotique Submission" by Claudia Varen. As for Flabio's heaving bosoms, I confess, I've read two of Fabio's novels, which are extensively ghost written by other authors, if the gossip at the Romance Writer's of America annual convention is to be believed. In one of them, I believe it was "Pirate", the heroine's bosom was plural. It made me laugh hysterically, as I had recently read a Star Trek Spoof about the Quadruple Breasted Whore of Deep Space 9.5.

Thanks for the laugh.

PinocchioPinocchioabout 18 years ago
Let's Not Forget...

Hi Quint!

Great piece. Made me laugh, for one thing, but also very refreshing, considering how much just plain bad writing there is on this site.

Now, regarding the title of my comment, let's not forget (drum roll, please):

Princely Pestle & Jade Gate!!

Can't remember where I ran into these--the Kama Sutra, perhaps...

Anyway, thanks for the grins...

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
alway avoid your anus in sci-fi stories

You give some good advice. Things I remember are making sure you do not use language in one context that could link to secondary meanings in another: e.g. 'uranus' and 'your anus' in sci-fi, 'putting his cock in' in farmyard stories and 'i felt his meat' when have a story that includes a butcher. Something else that really gets me is repetition in a sentence and/or paragraph so that as they repeat themselves so the repeats of that word come to jar terribly and I find I just cannot repeat how important it is to have a decent Thesaurus to find alernative words.

bigrimmstalesbigrimmstalesover 17 years ago
how people differ on what words they like

My partner and i loathe swearing on the street, but love it in the bedroom. It is funny how our language always starts coy and becomes obscene. She could not agree with me which is worse - cock or dick, but she hates prick as it also means idiot now. Thanks for the thought provoking article

hookahkittyhookahkittyabout 17 years ago
Giggling madly...

Two things:

--> First-

You said <Finally, the "Peanut Butter and Pickle" groups are the groups of words that almost never work.>

Would you believe that, as a child, I ate peanut butter and pickle sandwiches? I know it sounds kinda strange, but it's really quite good. You have to use sweet pickles, though; dill pickles don't taste right. Still crave them once in a while, too. ^.^

--> Second-

I got a giggle out of many of the words and phrases in said PB&P category. I love words, my pleasure, my play, my hobbies... words, man.

I loved the essay, though, it reminded me that, yes, word choice is absolutely imperative, and the exact right word needs to be used. Maybe now I can get some ideas down.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
I laughed so hard

You are right on! Some people just throw words out and stories and sex take a dive.

Sapphire_OSapphire_Oabout 17 years ago
Great Read

You're very funny (great title too). I agree with the others who said cock is a dirtier term than dick. How do you feel about "box" for pussy. (I hate it! It's so ugly.) How about adding a section for words describing sex juices. :D

SweetLittleLiarSweetLittleLiaralmost 17 years ago
Just as I've always suspected! ...

There just AREN'T many words in the English language to describe the anatomy we need to describe when our characters are having sex! Thanks for a funny and entertaining piece. I'd like to point out that "breasts" and "nipples" aren't interchangeable terms, but then, I don't have any better suggestions than these. Thanks Quint!

el_falco_vermellel_falco_vermellalmost 17 years ago
One more... :P

There's only one word I didn't see on here that I expected, in the breastseses section... this may not bug anyone else, but somehow the term 'nubbins' seems like it should have ended up on one of these shitlists.

Nameless_RoseNameless_Rosealmost 17 years ago
Hilarious!

I absolutely adored this essay! It made me laugh out loud several times, especially the bit about the Dom having someone lick his "rosebud" (I'd never heard that term before, and I'll never look at Citizen Kane the same way again). Anyway, I loved this, and apart from the hilarity, I think your advice was very sound. A great piece all around.

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
ANOTHER PUSSY-ALTERNATIVE THAT SHOULD BE BANNED

Another term for a female's "personal reigons" that should never be used is "cookie jar".

RenaeNicksRenaeNicksover 16 years ago
Great job

Great job, and I agree with most of your classifications. I prefer to use "cock" because "dick" is something I hear more often as a negative term in non-erotic content (like "He's such a dick," or "What a dickhead!"). I don't think I've ever heard "he's such a cock," although you do hear men being called "cocky," which often has a somewhat negative connotation. I'll bet there are some regional difference in the connotation of these types of words even within any particular country. As far as the words some Brits use - I was clueless the first time I read "quim." :)

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
...Oh...dear...

I'm gonna have the giggles all day. My new married name is...Poon...hehehehehee

reignopheliareignopheliaover 16 years ago
Great

Thank you for this exciting and useful resource. Really though, hilarious, brilliant really. I'm digging your writing style as well...

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
I love you, you made me giggle. ^_^

Uhm. The best possible word choice out of the entire section had to be Yabbos (however you had spelled it) because I like the movie Hocus Pocus (have since I was a kid). It's what Max's little sister uses to describe her older brother's interests in particular anatomical bits. ^_^ Much loved word, there.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 16 years ago
This had me laughing and cheering!

This should be sent to anyone who signs up for an acount on this site and read before the person writes their first story. I loved this! You had me laughing through most of it and cheering when you touched on some of my most hated words!

Bravo!

Egmont GrigorEgmont Grigorabout 16 years ago
Pathetic Responses

Good one Quint. Usually most Literotica Think Pieces have merit, and I applaud you in getting yourself off with your pencil in your hand in the literary sense. But you must hate it having such a bunch of juveniles getting their uniformed literary rocks off amid the impressive number of feedback comments you have received. That all-know bunch think narrowly and give the impression they expect the world should think like them. As for that comment by a person who stopped reading as soon as been confronted by a word the person disapproved, I ask you! I was unaware in this day and age people still had their brains in their poop-chute. Sorry I meant arse/ass. As for an English person not being aware of the word quim, that person will find it well enshrined in British literature, more commonly from writers with a vulgar touch. I suggest reading James Joyce, Ulysses, to find an example. For those who don't know their ass from their tits or cock, Wikipedia runs comment that James Joyce was an Irish expatriate writer, widely considered to be one of the most influential writers of the 20th century. As a minor Literotica author may I suggest novice critics move outside their egos and consider such things as writer's style, intent and story context before they open their mouths or hit the keyboard to express themselves with with only half their brain working. I'm aware that a woman has two breasts, but if the writer using breast as meaning chest, then she can only have one of those. I usually use breasts when rising passion is absent and tits when it is. Dick to me is preferable to cock when he or she is doing something with it. I think boobs simply rhymes with tubes but call me old-fashion. In my view my hero with a tit hanging from his mouth knows he's almost in heaven. He also thinks cock is far too formal, especially when knowing what his lover is doing with his dick which she is attempting to screw off his balls (nuts). Even she knows testicles belong to biology class instruction at high school.

SequinnsSequinnsabout 16 years ago
So true

Absolutely the best how-to guide I've read on this site! The title had me laughing from the start, and the witty, somewhat sarcastic, and yet civilized commentary on all of the phrases kept me in fits of snickers! Fantastic, and I hope any writer reading this takes it to heart!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
What about...

I really liked it, but what about "love box?"

ellabeeellabeealmost 16 years ago
Bravo!

I thoroughly enjoyed this article. I refer to it anytime I need a good chuckle or I'm truly strapped for a good synonym.

Still haven't found the perfect synonym for "asshole," though. It seems to be one of those words that is doomed to repetition.

illusory_transitoryillusory_transitoryover 15 years ago
LMAO

Cookie jar? COOKIE JAR? bwahhahahahaha. Ok, another REALLY bad, -do-not-use-ever-... My ex used to call my breasts... I kid you not... "juggins". GUARANTEED TURNOFF. He thought it was funny, I thought it was pathetic.

Mz_minxMz_minxabout 15 years ago
Another good read but the topic is subjective

As you state in your end paragraph, what turns one on may turn another off. I'm English so no doubt cultural use of the words differs to those of you in the States, however I've never in all my 20-something years heard Quim uttered from anyone's lips. Also to me cock is much naughtier than dick, possibly because Dick is well-known as a shortened version of Richard over here, all I can say is that when I grab my man's prick in a moment of passion I refer to it as a cock, if I want to mention it during a regular conversation I call it a dick.

I'm not saying that you are wrong, just find it utterly curious in the differences between UK and US, and indeed other people's minds. It has made me wonder whether I should be careful in the use or omission of certain words in my own writing, but then again I write mainly for me so what would be the point in disrupting my flow of writing to concerntrate on such matters. Ahhh something to think over defininately - thanks!

lindtchillilindtchilliabout 15 years ago
The title was hilarious...

& the rest of the article was great too. Cheers!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 15 years ago
tits and stuff

I came across a very typical office girl rape/blackmail story on here once where the 50+ old character constantly told the girl to show him her "slutty titties". Over. And over. And over. "Slutty titties." every paragraph.

*groan* he should have read this first.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 15 years ago
I think you forgot something...

In instances of exaggerated innocence, "bottom" is the choice word for the posterior.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 15 years ago
A few more I sometimes use

erection, rod, worm, piston, pole. Good article and I agree that's hard to find the right words in context.

starscapestarscapealmost 15 years ago
Brilliant!

This made me laugh until I cried several times. The "rosebud" anecdote was priceless! I'm still chuckling over that one... Thank you for writing such a fun, useful guide on the importance of word choice.

kittenlovekittenloveover 14 years ago
lol.

in breasts, you forgot 'Dirty Pillows.'

probably wise to avoid that one, unless you're going into some weird "Carrie" type thing.

AnonymousAnonymousover 14 years ago
wow.....

although that one word does indeed sum it up for me, i find, yet again, that that is not all i will say. a full round of applause from me, for this was truly an interesting, informative, and delightfully funny patty-wacker of a good time. on a side note, however, george carlin(may he rest in peace) had a finale to one of his shows which ended with over 200 names for female genitalia, including, but not limited to, names such as the bearded clam, and the pink taco.

AppolineAppolinealmost 14 years ago
a few more

My ex was very fond of calling breasts "ninnies" and vagina "gi-gi." She was from the deep south (US) and apparently those were fairly accepted terms there. Again, all in context, but I could see a southern belle from Savannah using both in a story.

satiricon78satiricon78almost 14 years ago

To be very clear, this isn’t any criticism (you’re more of an author then I ever will be), I just don’t agree that it’s important to be realistic. As I see it, the stories here aren’t about realism, many stories haven’t got anything with to do with the truth, many stories aren’t even about what the writer wished was true. It’s just stories, therefore I can't see any problems with a virginal princess saying the word "dick".

Btw, I threw in the words “labia minora” in one of my poems (which I in retrospective should have worked more with before “publishing”), the poem called “Dream or nightmare”.

AnonymousAnonymousover 13 years ago
Bahahahaha

Dude ur mad funny! Great advice man, totally agree with you on most things, except the term "slit" for a woman's vjay-jay. Not diggin it, reckon it's a pretty big turn off, I'd probably class it as oregano.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago

You're right about some of the language you refer to as reflecting other countries but you say it as if that's a bad thing. And you completely ignore the fact that your language is clearly American vernacular to The Rest Of The World.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago

I sometimes use the word 'ass' but tend to use 'arse' myself, in romantic situations with my wife. I'm English.

'Ass' feels like an odd word coming out of my mouth. 'Arse' is more natural to me.

I think if I were writing I'd probably try to think about who my target audience is, but also think about the characters in the story.

If they are from Britain, are they really going to be using 'ass'?

Also, you forgot 'fanny' :P In England that's a pussy, not an ass.

siracidshiverssiracidshiversover 11 years ago
cooter

In II.c.2, you mention the term "cooter". Where I'm from in SC, some girls would beat your ass if you used it to describe any part of the female anatomy. It is a southern slang for a fresh water turtle. Remember "Cooter" from the Dukes of Hazzard? His nickname was from a freshwater turtle. Just my two cents, I think this article is helpful. Thanks for writing it.

whimsy1whimsy1about 11 years ago
You've made my day!

After a particularly brutal day, this how-to article brought a smile to my face and added needed words to my erotic vocabulary. Thanks

mbergs55mbergs55almost 11 years ago
peanut butter and pickles

am i the only one who enjoys a peanut butter and pickle samwitch every now and then?

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Funny article

2.) Wang—If it isn't immediately preceded by Vera, I'm not going any further in that story.

HAHAHA this made me laugh out loud

RedrosewitchRedrosewitchover 10 years ago

Good one ! These are always words I struggle with. not wanting to over repeat.

Thank you.

RedrosewitchRedrosewitchover 10 years ago
Good one !

Thanks for this. I always struggle with these terms, not wanting to repeat too much.

o2byoungo2byoungover 7 years ago
One of my favorites is missing

When writing gay male stories, especially involving straight guys, I like to use the term Man's Pussy, referring to the Taint, which I also like.

GobsmackedagainGobsmackedagainover 3 years ago
Holiest of Holies....

Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction

AshleeP96AshleeP96over 3 years ago

Thanks for the great advice! I was just wondering about this today.

vulvatriciousvulvatriciousabout 2 years ago

Ill-considered language also telegraphs a lot about the writers themselves. One of the first things I learned in Dr. Cutler's Freshman Writing class was, "Lose the author!" (Often delivered with a shout, and frequently with a red pen as well.) His opinion was that if you want to write fiction, keep personal bias and prejudice out of it. If you simply cannot, write an essay, memoir, or autobiography.

Telegraphing feelings such as disrespect for gender or race will likely eliminate that class of reader from your avid fans. Let your misogynist out to play and you will please a fairly small percentage of your readers; the other 50% of the world's population will avoid you in droves.

filthytrancendencefilthytrancendence11 months ago

Your first paragraph killed me. I'm still laughing. Well done.

AnonymousAnonymous5 months ago

The funniest story title on Lit!

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