- All
Comments (5) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Needs work
This has a good premise, but I think you'd do well to find an editor. There are some small problems -- such as switching from present to past tense a few times -- and some larger ones. Punctuation is important; if it's wrong, or missing, it takes away from the flow of the story. Little things -- if a number is less than ten, write it out; a dialog should be: "Hi," he said (you often leave out the comma before the close quote. Most of the sentences are subject/verb/object -- vary it a little. Try not to give such laundry lists of descriptions... it's kind of dry. Please don't be upset or disappointed, I do like this and the characters are interesting, and I want to see what happens. This just needs some work and it could really be something.
Your efforts are appreciated.
There are so many editors on this site, but it is very hard to find one. The story, it's thrust is good & it looks promising so keep them coming. A help from an editor will make it more pleasurable. Good luck & keep writing.
Waiting for more
I think you're off to a good start and I'd like to see where this story goes. Can't wait for the next chapter.
keep going
I like the story line, but it just doesn't flow very well.
Smoking Hot
Guess he did ot expect that from her..Ohhhh I can't wait to read how this story unfold LOL
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Finding Meridian or
More submissions by Meridian13.