You've got to slow down a little. Great overall idea. You've got to tell more of a story. Elaborate a little.
by
Anonymous07/10/09
Have to agree
This was a very well-intentioned story, but it was poorly-paced. It needed a little more time to flesh out the characters. I also found the notion of a 21-year-old hearing a 'biological clock' ticking to be a tad silly.An editor would help smooth out some problems like these, but overall not shabby at all.
I liked the story, and it was kind of frantic. I liked the overall Idea, but wish you had slowed it down about 50 mph. If this is indeed a true story, I am happy for ya.
by
Anonymous07/11/09
Conversations need more development
The conversations between the two characters seem so stilted and not the sort of thing two twenty somethings (either 10 years ago or today) would say. It is also oddly rushed and could use much more character development. Take some more time think about what the kids might actually say to one another.
English
Very short rather frantic
You've got to slow down a little. Great overall idea. You've got to tell more of a story. Elaborate a little.
Have to agree
This was a very well-intentioned story, but it was poorly-paced. It needed a little more time to flesh out the characters. I also found the notion of a 21-year-old hearing a 'biological clock' ticking to be a tad silly.An editor would help smooth out some problems like these, but overall not shabby at all.
Wow Good Story, Kinda Fast
I liked the story, and it was kind of frantic. I liked the overall Idea, but wish you had slowed it down about 50 mph. If this is indeed a true story, I am happy for ya.
Conversations need more development
The conversations between the two characters seem so stilted and not the sort of thing two twenty somethings (either 10 years ago or today) would say. It is also oddly rushed and could use much more character development. Take some more time think about what the kids might actually say to one another.
Great story
I enjoyed it, but I think the previous comments are on target. You'd get a higher score with some additional character development.
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