Thank you for the time and effort you put into this story. It needs a lot of work but thank you for sharing.
by
Anonymous08/08/09
Usable Advice
Youve Got One Of The Essentials Of Writing Down Pat. The 'What'. I Am Referring To The Famous 'Who, What, When, Where How' Addage. Keep On Working, But You Need More 'How'. Details Make A Story More Than A To Do List. Take Care And I Look Forward To Another.
Dont know what is worse, 10" dicks or the 40D or DD tits.....do you realize how large that is....really now..lets be realistic!
I realize this is your first attempt, so am going to be nice about this.........
Don't give up your day job, and keep away from the keyboard.
UTTERLY PITIFUL!!!
by
Anonymous08/08/09
Jack Webb dialogue
What kind of conversations were these two having? It sounds like Rosie from the Jetsons talking to Jack Webb from Dragnet. The premise was dreadful - that was okay because this is a fiction site and you said it was your fantasy - but please don't tell me that you actually dream about people talking like the recordings from your credit card phone information menu. Read the dialogue out loud before you submit your next story. Don't mean to be harsh, but geez....
by
Anonymous08/09/09
Bwah!
A 7" long and 2" thick dick certainly is a fantasy. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
This was my first attempt at writing any kind of story. I realize it needs work. I have some better ideas for the next one.
To several people that asked me a question- yes, I know how big 40DD breasts are. My ex-wife has a set of 42DD. My dick is 7" long, and right at 2" thick- what are you, a pencil dick?
Okay, so you've been given a hard time by critics on Literotica, but then you did deserve it. And okay, so this was your first attempt at writing, but man, it was awful. You say you have some better ideas for your next work. Good, because regardless of what others say, have another go. Regard your first story and the comments it has attracted as a learning process.
I write for this site, and I've had my share of criticisms, so I know it hurts to get panned, but I've learned from them, I hope you can too.
Now you know what you shouldn't do, try and do it better. This comment is intended as constructive criticism, and - hopefully - to help you to improve.
Please remember that the only way your reader knows what you you see in your imagination is if you put it into your story. You describe your daughter as having 40DD tits, but is she 3'11" tall or 6'11" tall? It makes a hell of a difference to her proportions. Does she have blue eyes or red? Blonde hair or none at all?
When you describe fucking her - a virgin - readers want to know if you felt the hymen break? Was there blood? Did you actually cum inside her that time? Did you shower together or seperately? How did she feel about being deflowered by her father?
That sort of detail helps get a story across. You know what you mean, but nobody else does unless you tell them.
Please also make sure you don't contradict yourself. If you say you didn't know she was a virgin, then you didn't know she was a virgin and you can't suddenly know without saying how you found out.
You should also try and remember that a paragraph contains one subject. A new subject = a new paragraph, or you'll confuse readers. Oh, and stick to the same tense.
Then, when you've written it - read it! If it sounds like you dictated it for a telegram, then you need to smooth it out. If it's a third of the length of equivelant stories, then chances are that you're short on descriptive detail. And if it reads like a shopping list, then scrap the whole fucking thing and start again!
Finally, especially until you get more skilled and assured, send it to an editor before you submit it for posting.
I hope you've read this in the spirit it was written, and I hope it is helpful. Good luck.
Okay, so it was your first story. I am glad you at least tried. We all have to start somewhere. I hope these people didn't discourage you from writing again. It wasn't very sexy. Next time try to make us feel like we are there.
As to the people complaining about proportions -- people are shaped all different sizes. My breasts are 44DDD and 100% natural. I'm only 5'3". They give me horrible back pains, but they're all mine.
by
Anonymous12/11/10
mmmm great!!!
hey is your daughter mexican? wwat color lips on her pussy did she have? and did she have a hairy pussy?
While I will say an editor can do wonders to help "put your fantasies to paper" (or a computer screen...lol), I really wanted to tell you not to worry about the "Anon" assholes who are too chicken-shit to leave you feedback with a user name attached. Ignore them. They mean nothing.
Check out the Bulletin Board side of Lit, if you haven't already, and visit the Editor's Forum. There is an array of editors there, many of whom I'm sure would be willing to give your tale a read prior to submission. (They even have a thread they "sticky" that states who is available to edit during any given month.)
English
Oh Dear
Thank you for the time and effort you put into this story. It needs a lot of work but thank you for sharing.
Usable Advice
Youve Got One Of The Essentials Of Writing Down Pat. The 'What'. I Am Referring To The Famous 'Who, What, When, Where How' Addage. Keep On Working, But You Need More 'How'. Details Make A Story More Than A To Do List. Take Care And I Look Forward To Another.
Pitiful
Dont know what is worse, 10" dicks or the 40D or DD tits.....do you realize how large that is....really now..lets be realistic!
I realize this is your first attempt, so am going to be nice about this.........
Don't give up your day job, and keep away from the keyboard.
UTTERLY PITIFUL!!!
Jack Webb dialogue
What kind of conversations were these two having? It sounds like Rosie from the Jetsons talking to Jack Webb from Dragnet. The premise was dreadful - that was okay because this is a fiction site and you said it was your fantasy - but please don't tell me that you actually dream about people talking like the recordings from your credit card phone information menu. Read the dialogue out loud before you submit your next story. Don't mean to be harsh, but geez....
Bwah!
A 7" long and 2" thick dick certainly is a fantasy. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
my first time writing
This was my first attempt at writing any kind of story. I realize it needs work. I have some better ideas for the next one.
To several people that asked me a question- yes, I know how big 40DD breasts are. My ex-wife has a set of 42DD. My dick is 7" long, and right at 2" thick- what are you, a pencil dick?
Constructive Criticism.
Okay, so you've been given a hard time by critics on Literotica, but then you did deserve it. And okay, so this was your first attempt at writing, but man, it was awful. You say you have some better ideas for your next work. Good, because regardless of what others say, have another go. Regard your first story and the comments it has attracted as a learning process.
I write for this site, and I've had my share of criticisms, so I know it hurts to get panned, but I've learned from them, I hope you can too.
Now you know what you shouldn't do, try and do it better. This comment is intended as constructive criticism, and - hopefully - to help you to improve.
Please remember that the only way your reader knows what you you see in your imagination is if you put it into your story. You describe your daughter as having 40DD tits, but is she 3'11" tall or 6'11" tall? It makes a hell of a difference to her proportions. Does she have blue eyes or red? Blonde hair or none at all?
When you describe fucking her - a virgin - readers want to know if you felt the hymen break? Was there blood? Did you actually cum inside her that time? Did you shower together or seperately? How did she feel about being deflowered by her father?
That sort of detail helps get a story across. You know what you mean, but nobody else does unless you tell them.
Please also make sure you don't contradict yourself. If you say you didn't know she was a virgin, then you didn't know she was a virgin and you can't suddenly know without saying how you found out.
You should also try and remember that a paragraph contains one subject. A new subject = a new paragraph, or you'll confuse readers. Oh, and stick to the same tense.
Then, when you've written it - read it! If it sounds like you dictated it for a telegram, then you need to smooth it out. If it's a third of the length of equivelant stories, then chances are that you're short on descriptive detail. And if it reads like a shopping list, then scrap the whole fucking thing and start again!
Finally, especially until you get more skilled and assured, send it to an editor before you submit it for posting.
I hope you've read this in the spirit it was written, and I hope it is helpful. Good luck.
Reads like a high school virgin's story in his
brain and wishes it was happening. It was to straight forward and lacked imagination.
Please try again!
Okay, so it was your first story. I am glad you at least tried. We all have to start somewhere. I hope these people didn't discourage you from writing again. It wasn't very sexy. Next time try to make us feel like we are there.
As to the people complaining about proportions -- people are shaped all different sizes. My breasts are 44DDD and 100% natural. I'm only 5'3". They give me horrible back pains, but they're all mine.
mmmm great!!!
hey is your daughter mexican? wwat color lips on her pussy did she have? and did she have a hairy pussy?
Fucking your daughter.
When did you first want to fuck your daughter?
While I will say an editor can do wonders to help "put your fantasies to paper" (or a computer screen...lol), I really wanted to tell you not to worry about the "Anon" assholes who are too chicken-shit to leave you feedback with a user name attached. Ignore them. They mean nothing.
Check out the Bulletin Board side of Lit, if you haven't already, and visit the Editor's Forum. There is an array of editors there, many of whom I'm sure would be willing to give your tale a read prior to submission. (They even have a thread they "sticky" that states who is available to edit during any given month.)
Childish But keep trying.
Your facts don't fit.
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