Great start to the story. Hope there will be more of Kate, Lorna and Paul.
I checked twice and I don't see the son and mom having any sex, hence NO INCEST! Isn't this a lesbian story?
So is it Lorna or Loren. That kind of confusion seems to happen often in these stories.
names straight. I counted three women; Kate, Lomma and Loren. Who is who?
All the other criticisms aside, this was a good starting point. The son should have seen his mother and fiance heading for the summer house, and be watching them both. Then tease that he wants in on the fun. Also, take your time telling the story. If you're doing a multi-story arc, include more plot and character exposition (no pun intended). I hope to see more. You do paint a good picture. Now, just bring that picture into focus. :-)
As several have mentioned if you can't keep the GF straight - Lorna or Loren - you don't deserve a very good rating. Try harder next time.
Ok I cocked up, i have fixed the name problem and re posted hopfully it sould be updated soon sorry about that. working on chapters 3 and 4 MsLinnet
Nice start, now it needs more of the whole family going at it. Just keep the names straight and add more to it. This one should have been in the Lesbian category, not Incest....
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family ties
Great start to the story. Hope there will be more of Kate, Lorna and Paul.
Where's the incest?
I checked twice and I don't see the son and mom having any sex, hence NO INCEST! Isn't this a lesbian story?
Name?
So is it Lorna or Loren. That kind of confusion seems to happen often in these stories.
But do get an editor if you cannot keep the
names straight. I counted three women; Kate, Lomma and Loren. Who is who?
Good start...
All the other criticisms aside, this was a good starting point.
The son should have seen his mother and fiance heading for the summer house, and be watching them both. Then tease that he wants in on the fun.
Also, take your time telling the story. If you're doing a multi-story arc, include more plot and character exposition (no pun intended).
I hope to see more. You do paint a good picture. Now, just bring that picture into focus. :-)
Sloppy writing
As several have mentioned if you can't keep the GF straight - Lorna or Loren - you don't deserve a very good rating. Try harder next time.
IN REPLY
Ok I cocked up, i have fixed the name problem and re posted hopfully it sould be updated soon
sorry about that.
working on chapters 3 and 4
MsLinnet
nice start
Nice start, now it needs more of the whole family going at it. Just keep the names straight and add more to it. This one should have been in the Lesbian category, not Incest....
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Paul's Girlfriends Pt. 01 or
More submissions by MsLinnet.