by SexyLilla
Get help! You write like a young teenager who didn't pay the first amount of attention in English Grammar class. Sentences run on without punctuation or breaks. The story jumped from one scenerio to another. This was just pure junk!
Minor editing issues, but the syntax was engaging with great use of descriptive words. Perhaps jumping from the post Vegas scene to the Birthday scene could have been a bit more in depth in explanation, as well as a 'falling action' after the (no pun intended) climax of the scene with the cousin.
Keep writing!
This sexy pair of tales has a number of good things about it, mainly very HOT sex with attractive gals. But the organization of the writing is disjointed. We need intro, context, development of the hots these girls have for him. A vital factor: The bad punctuation, grammar, spelling, even (for crying out loud) capitalization are all absolutely infuriating and kill the effect.
The girls sound amazing, this would be a pretty cool fantasy. It could have been a bit longer, then it would have been better. It gives an impression that it was rushed, But apart from that the storyline was good. And who gives a fuck about the grammar and capitalization anyway? There stories, if you want Grammer, They should read a fucking book.
I loved your story! Hope to see more with some more story development ;)
Really enjoyed your story. There a few little things to improve, but not many, and it is your first story, so WELL DONE! Thank you.