Telling a story within a story isn't easy. Never being sure who was speaking made it difficult to follow. Maybe, once it was established that someone was telling a story, the story itself didn't need to be in quotes.
by
Anonymous09/08/09
Nice try, but . . .
I agree that the "story within the story" was hard to read. I'll go so far as to say, impossible. I give you points for trying something different, but that conceit doesn't seem to work in a short story. I'm just not sure why it's necessary to add such a level to the narrative. Without a payoff, it's just gimmicky. You've got a good imagination and you're a capable story teller. Leave the creativity to the story itself, not the telling.
by
Anonymous09/09/09
Interesting technique and story line
...but it felt like something was missing. Was the story to continue with the events at the gathering? I liked the main story and the air of freedom of the bike mixed with the wife's concerns. Keep it up! ;-))
Thanks all for the useful comments. Yes, I did spot the 'genes' error after the grammar checker missed it, then I screwed up in the deadline rush. My bad. :-( I'll fix it. ................
I can see where the two settings can be confusing, but I didn't like the flow of 'he said/she said'. I'll sleep on it. ...............
Yes, the story does continue at the drunk gathering, but integrating them into one story would make it too long AND dilute the carefree 'river ride' story.
English
tricky
Telling a story within a story isn't easy. Never being sure who was speaking made it difficult to follow. Maybe, once it was established that someone was telling a story, the story itself didn't need to be in quotes.
Nice try, but . . .
I agree that the "story within the story" was hard to read. I'll go so far as to say, impossible. I give you points for trying something different, but that conceit doesn't seem to work in a short story. I'm just not sure why it's necessary to add such a level to the narrative. Without a payoff, it's just gimmicky. You've got a good imagination and you're a capable story teller. Leave the creativity to the story itself, not the telling.
Interesting technique and story line
...but it felt like something was missing. Was the story to continue with the events at the gathering? I liked the main story and the air of freedom of the bike mixed with the wife's concerns. Keep it up! ;-))
Author's notes
Thanks all for the useful comments. Yes, I did spot the 'genes' error after the grammar checker missed it, then I screwed up in the deadline rush. My bad. :-( I'll fix it. ................
I can see where the two settings can be confusing, but I didn't like the flow of 'he said/she said'. I'll sleep on it. ...............
Yes, the story does continue at the drunk gathering, but integrating them into one story would make it too long AND dilute the carefree 'river ride' story.
Great
Another good story of yours. Glad to see a new story of yours. Good luck in the contest.
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