I liked it, but since it was in Romance I wish there had been more about the actual romance. Everything is glossed over with Melody and it ends abruptly. I would have liked to learn more, after that little bit at lunch, about the developing relationship. If Jazz is so certain they will marry, what is it about her that makes him certain? What is the connection they have like? Maybe an encounter or two more between them to make us believe that that is really where it is going. And maybe a small sizzle between them (even if it is only about eye contact...there can still be sizzle!) would get us excited for the possibilities. Good start though.
by
Anonymous09/26/09
Your writing keeps improving....
....but I'm having a hard time buying the 1900 miles in 23 on a Harley. Now, if you'd said Guzzi.....!!!
But as pointed out below, if you had fleshed it out a bit more it would have been a great story...
by
Anonymous09/27/09
good story
but i have to agree with previous posts that it needed fleshed out. it could have gone on for a couple more pages, or another chapter, whichever worked out best. as it stands it belongs more in the cheating wives catagory, you pretty much skipped over the romantic portion of the story.
Where was the romance? It takes two to have a romance. As readers we need to see some depth to a relationship for it to become a romance, and that means depth in each of the two people as well.
by
Anonymous02/15/10
If I were king.....
My comment is just one man's opinion. I have read several of you stories now and generally you do some good work. If I had my way I would like to see you start extending your stories. You have a good command of the mechanics of storytelling, good character development, plausable story lines, even time lines and story speed. It just seems that with all of the back story and explaination that the stories need more depth or development. You get me invested in the characters and the story line and then things end too quickly. I would hate to see you just ramble on but I would like to see you take on more plot points and write more involved stories. I think you are capable of more and would like to encourage to to "reach". But like I said, it is just one man's opinion. anon jerry
Hey, I was reading this and I really enjoyed the story. I do believe that you can really expand this story and make it into something much bigger. Good luck with your work :)
I hated it but gave it two stars because it was well written. I feel it is in the wrong category; probably belongs in fetish if anywhere at all. Thanks for your effort.
I don't know why I chose to comment on a mind fuck story in the Romance section. William and Shelley weren't part of a romance. They are rodents that gravitated story over. The characters William and Shelly destroyed any aspect of romance in this story when homicidal feelings were the only ones omnipresent, not very romantic? You think? I didn't like this story at all. There probably was a lot of effort for this author to squeeze this into the romance category. It seemed more of an afterthought then the true direction this author may have had in mind, How would I know? Thanks for your effort!
Just re-read this after a year or so since the first reading. I think it's well plotted, well executed, and the writing style fits the character and the situation perfectly. I can understand why some of the readers would have liked it to be drawn out longer, but that's your decision and I respect your judgment.
I was rather shocked by the harshly negative tone of so many of the comments. I wonder how many stories they have written. This guy "Anonymous" must be one hell of a writer!
All you guys writing to say you didn't like the story are gutless wimps
If I don't like a story, I don't finish it and damn sure I don't sit down and write telling God and everybody how you feel as is someone cared.
If there is an issue i have with something I send a feedback note
I don't have a big enough ego to show the world how discerning I am not.
He violated the number one "guy" rule: NEVER go after your friends/brothers girl. What a prick. The girl is just as bad.
by
Anonymous03/25/16
NO... He does not
Owe William and Shelley a thank you. He may not have been in love with Shelley, but his brother had no right to snake him that way and she was just using him to get to his brother. She should have been up front with him and told him how she felt.
That's the decision he will have to make when Shelley cheats on his fat ass brother and leaves him for another guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Jazz won't have to do a thing to get back at William, its just gonna happen.
by
Anonymous01/10/17
Good story.
This story makes me feel good, happy ending and tho not quite made up with brother and ex girlfriend, it still is a better ending than I expected.
English
Wellll....
I liked it, but since it was in Romance I wish there had been more about the actual romance. Everything is glossed over with Melody and it ends abruptly. I would have liked to learn more, after that little bit at lunch, about the developing relationship. If Jazz is so certain they will marry, what is it about her that makes him certain? What is the connection they have like? Maybe an encounter or two more between them to make us believe that that is really where it is going. And maybe a small sizzle between them (even if it is only about eye contact...there can still be sizzle!) would get us excited for the possibilities. Good start though.
Your writing keeps improving....
....but I'm having a hard time buying the 1900 miles in 23 on a Harley. Now, if you'd said Guzzi.....!!!
Very good story!
But as pointed out below, if you had fleshed it out a bit more it would have been a great story...
good story
but i have to agree with previous posts that it needed fleshed out. it could have gone on for a couple more pages, or another chapter, whichever worked out best. as it stands it belongs more in the cheating wives catagory, you pretty much skipped over the romantic portion of the story.
I enjoyed it but
Where was the romance? It takes two to have a romance. As readers we need to see some depth to a relationship for it to become a romance, and that means depth in each of the two people as well.
If I were king.....
My comment is just one man's opinion. I have read several of you stories now and generally you do some good work. If I had my way I would like to see you start extending your stories. You have a good command of the mechanics of storytelling, good character development, plausable story lines, even time lines and story speed. It just seems that with all of the back story and explaination that the stories need more depth or development. You get me invested in the characters and the story line and then things end too quickly. I would hate to see you just ramble on but I would like to see you take on more plot points and write more involved stories. I think you are capable of more and would like to encourage to to "reach". But like I said, it is just one man's opinion. anon jerry
HE SHOULD NEVER SPOKE TO THEM AGAIN I WOULD NOT. GLAD HE MET MEL AGAIN
Back Home Again
This is the second time I've read this story and it was as good as the first time. Well done!
Expansion
Hey, I was reading this and I really enjoyed the story. I do believe that you can really expand this story and make it into something much bigger. Good luck with your work :)
Almost great ...
Loved the style and character interaction.
The end though was a tad bit anemic .......
Good read :-)
A little disappointed
with how this story went.
It took a lot to get to the romance and then it was all over really quickly :(
Barely Adequate
Absurd to believe that reconciliation with parents and bare acceptance of brother would take place that quickly.
Crap at best no romance at all.
I hated it but gave it two stars because it was well written. I feel it is in the wrong category; probably belongs in fetish if anywhere at all. Thanks for your effort.
In a word "Sucked", well written crap.
I don't know why I chose to comment on a mind fuck story in the Romance section. William and Shelley weren't part of a romance. They are rodents that gravitated story over. The characters William and Shelly destroyed any aspect of romance in this story when homicidal feelings were the only ones omnipresent, not very romantic? You think? I didn't like this story at all. There probably was a lot of effort for this author to squeeze this into the romance category. It seemed more of an afterthought then the true direction this author may have had in mind, How would I know? Thanks for your effort!
I liked it before and I still like it!
Just re-read this after a year or so since the first reading. I think it's well plotted, well executed, and the writing style fits the character and the situation perfectly. I can understand why some of the readers would have liked it to be drawn out longer, but that's your decision and I respect your judgment.
I was rather shocked by the harshly negative tone of so many of the comments. I wonder how many stories they have written. This guy "Anonymous" must be one hell of a writer!
Good Read****
Thanks for sharing. And thanks for the information will check it out as soon as I get a chance.
good read
should have been listed in lw but in all good read keep it up
guess I am kinda funny
All you guys writing to say you didn't like the story are gutless wimps
If I don't like a story, I don't finish it and damn sure I don't sit down and write telling God and everybody how you feel as is someone cared.
If there is an issue i have with something I send a feedback note
I don't have a big enough ego to show the world how discerning I am not.
KARMA IS NEVER A BITCH
Kismet put the balance into perspective, occasionally a plus, TK U MLJ LV NV
Wow - the romance is Jazz and Hillary
The rest is stage setting -
home again
I love the story. You could lengthen the story with graphic sex but I am glad you did not. 5*
Ed Grocott
edgrocott@gmail.com
William the slimeball dirtbag
He violated the number one "guy" rule: NEVER go after your friends/brothers girl. What a prick. The girl is just as bad.
NO... He does not
Owe William and Shelley a thank you. He may not have been in love with Shelley, but his brother had no right to snake him that way and she was just using him to get to his brother. She should have been up front with him and told him how she felt.
Laugh or cry?
That's the decision he will have to make when Shelley cheats on his fat ass brother and leaves him for another guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Jazz won't have to do a thing to get back at William, its just gonna happen.
Good story.
This story makes me feel good, happy ending and tho not quite made up with brother and ex girlfriend, it still is a better ending than I expected.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Back Home Again or
More submissions by woodmanone.