You cannot mix first person with third person. It is a mess.
by
Anonymous09/29/09
useless
what a waste your stories are terrible, but i think you know that, nobody can be that stupid, but i have been wrong be fore.
by
Anonymous09/29/09
Yikes
Go back to high school, then try writing, shy wife, thats funny.
by
Anonymous09/29/09
Seriously... give up
You are hands down one of the worst posters on this site. Stop wasting everyone's time.
by
Anonymous09/29/09
Disgusting, idiotic, and stupid
Enough said. Get real.
by
Anonymous09/29/09
Another
Another idiot wannabe writer
by
Anonymous09/29/09
thanks
delectable little piece. thanks.
by
Anonymous09/29/09
A fun story
Regardless of some of the problems pointed out by the less tolerant posters, this story has one thing going for it that many more carefully crafted stories do not. It is fun to read. And most of marriedpervs stories have that same unself-conscious, playful and fun aspect.
Keep writing, marriedpervs. You have a knack for simple, fun stories. They will only get better each time you write one.
by
Anonymous09/30/09
Wonderfully descriptive..
Heck of a story. Wish she were my wife!
by
Anonymous09/30/09
CRAP
Another hunk of B.S. CRAP.
by
Anonymous09/30/09
Main problem is .....
....lack of explanation for characters change in nature.Could have been much better-pistolpackinpete
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
by
Anonymous09/30/09
should have been better.
The plot was obvious but I got excited waiting for it. I feel you rushed the story which is a shame, because it could have been so much more erotic. I love your stories though.
by
Anonymous09/30/09
Fun read
Pretty good. Not great but sexy and fun. Keep it up and I look forward to your next piece.
by
Anonymous09/30/09
a suggestion
This was a quick read, since the outcome was obvious.
Your jumping from first person to third person (1st when it was her POV and 3rd when you wanted to describe Mike's agnst) was poor. It may have been better to have split the story up into two chapters - one from her pov and one from his...
Any hotel with an elevator will probably have their rooms numbered "odd" on one side and "even" on the other side. Hence, 142 could not be "next to" 143. It would have been across the hall.
Just some suggestions on how to improve your writing for the next story.
Dee: Your stories are fun and arousing. Please continue flirting with us and getting us excited with your imagination. Thanks
by
Anonymous10/13/09
Good Story
Good story with a non-violent end. Ther are some husbands that would go off the deep end, others just leave and then - you have presented the third type reacation.
Caught the room number typo right away and of course the rest was as expected but still a lot of fun one hopes they thrive and have a good marriage after she learns that side of herself.
A second technical point along the lines of 142 and 143 most likely being on opposite sides of the hall - unless is it a really skinny tall hotel the rooms probably have number like 1402 and 1403 to accommodate more than 9 rooms to a floor - but that is a bit tedious of me - my apology.
I agree about rushing the sex scene you do them well stretch the scene out like do her body parts.
I actually was OK with the 1st - 3rd person POV shift - it fit the story was hers he was the "what ever happened to what's his name" part.
As always thanks
by
Anonymous08/29/12
Dumping a gooey load in her colon.
Mike should have spread her asscheeks and licked her bunghole out before he forced his cock in her butthole.
Sweetie misremembered the room number from the outset! Therefore, side of hall is fairly irrelevant, except for 'pounding on wall' which was unheard or igored anyway! The 'party noise' would have been clear enough from across the hall!
There is little (except her thoughts) to substantiate the 'shy young wife' claim, not sure if it was a critical component...'gangbang virgin' would have sufficed IMHO!
by
Anonymous03/17/15
Awesome
One lucky man. To see your wife being enjoyed by several and then at the end you get to send in the final load is quite liberating. I would love to be in his shoes. I would most likely have to sample some cum at some point. Maybe even share it with her after I clean up her cream pie.
English
POV?
You cannot mix first person with third person. It is a mess.
useless
what a waste your stories are terrible, but i think you know that, nobody can be that stupid, but i have been wrong be fore.
Yikes
Go back to high school, then try writing, shy wife, thats funny.
Seriously... give up
You are hands down one of the worst posters on this site. Stop wasting everyone's time.
Disgusting, idiotic, and stupid
Enough said. Get real.
Another
Another idiot wannabe writer
thanks
delectable little piece. thanks.
A fun story
Regardless of some of the problems pointed out by the less tolerant posters, this story has one thing going for it that many more carefully crafted stories do not. It is fun to read. And most of marriedpervs stories have that same unself-conscious, playful and fun aspect.
Keep writing, marriedpervs. You have a knack for simple, fun stories. They will only get better each time you write one.
Wonderfully descriptive..
Heck of a story. Wish she were my wife!
CRAP
Another hunk of B.S. CRAP.
Main problem is .....
....lack of explanation for characters change in nature.Could have been much better-pistolpackinpete
being taken by all
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
being taken by all
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
being taken by all
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
being taken by all
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
being taken by all
well i for am not a critic but there are a lot that are. i just wonder if they them selves can write i doubt it.
sad lot. but getting back to the story great writing would like to read the next part.
should have been better.
The plot was obvious but I got excited waiting for it. I feel you rushed the story which is a shame, because it could have been so much more erotic. I love your stories though.
Fun read
Pretty good. Not great but sexy and fun. Keep it up and I look forward to your next piece.
a suggestion
This was a quick read, since the outcome was obvious.
Your jumping from first person to third person (1st when it was her POV and 3rd when you wanted to describe Mike's agnst) was poor. It may have been better to have split the story up into two chapters - one from her pov and one from his...
Any hotel with an elevator will probably have their rooms numbered "odd" on one side and "even" on the other side. Hence, 142 could not be "next to" 143. It would have been across the hall.
Just some suggestions on how to improve your writing for the next story.
John.
Dee: Always love your stories
Dee: Your stories are fun and arousing. Please continue flirting with us and getting us excited with your imagination. Thanks
Good Story
Good story with a non-violent end. Ther are some husbands that would go off the deep end, others just leave and then - you have presented the third type reacation.
Predictable sure but fun
Caught the room number typo right away and of course the rest was as expected but still a lot of fun one hopes they thrive and have a good marriage after she learns that side of herself.
A second technical point along the lines of 142 and 143 most likely being on opposite sides of the hall - unless is it a really skinny tall hotel the rooms probably have number like 1402 and 1403 to accommodate more than 9 rooms to a floor - but that is a bit tedious of me - my apology.
I agree about rushing the sex scene you do them well stretch the scene out like do her body parts.
I actually was OK with the 1st - 3rd person POV shift - it fit the story was hers he was the "what ever happened to what's his name" part.
As always thanks
Dumping a gooey load in her colon.
Mike should have spread her asscheeks and licked her bunghole out before he forced his cock in her butthole.
WRONG EVERYTHING
once you make a plan, that you cant control, make sure you have an out, TK U MLJ LV NV
reasonable fiction erotica
Sweetie misremembered the room number from the outset! Therefore, side of hall is fairly irrelevant, except for 'pounding on wall' which was unheard or igored anyway! The 'party noise' would have been clear enough from across the hall!
There is little (except her thoughts) to substantiate the 'shy young wife' claim, not sure if it was a critical component...'gangbang virgin' would have sufficed IMHO!
Awesome
One lucky man. To see your wife being enjoyed by several and then at the end you get to send in the final load is quite liberating. I would love to be in his shoes. I would most likely have to sample some cum at some point. Maybe even share it with her after I clean up her cream pie.
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