Afraid I would have knocked Fred and my six month live in girl friend thru the door. The other one walking in sounds to much like a setup. How did word get around so fast unless your ex called her and said I solved your apartment problems come move in with him. Yeah I been in a few hundred women to but very few would I have allowed to move in with me or told I love you. When you fuck barroom sluts what you have is a bar room slut who will fuck anyone that buys her a drink.
by
Anonymous10/18/09
story lost
there is no story just 300 words put one after the other.
is your native tongue, you need an editor. If not, you need an editor. Then you need to learn the art of plotting a story and creating sympathetic characters. None of your characters are appealing expecially your narrator who, because of your grammar issues and poor plotting, come across as a moron. Assuming he is a normal man - and on this site that is always a good question - his behavior makes no sense. Get an editor, learn English better, and read and pay attention to how good stories are plotted.
IT JUST NEEDS THE CHARACTERS FLESHED OUT AND MORE STORY DEVELOPEMENT
by
Anonymous10/18/09
Quotation marks are NOT optional
Forget the stuff about needing an editor. What this story needs is beyond what an editor should be used for, which is catching the random mistakes. An editor should not take the place of taking the time to learn basic English (e.g., grammar and punctuation).
by
Anonymous10/18/09
This is it!
Without question this is in the top ten of the most disjointed and incomprehensible stories on this site. Thankfully it was brief, but not brief enough. "I let my Fried Fred live in the basement" was the most amusing error, but there were many other chuckles to be found. Seriously, this should never have gotten past the literotica sentry, because having this up for public perusal is only making you vulnerable to criticism such as this. Read the story out loud the way you have written it next time, and then put in the proper punctuation, capitalization and quotation marks so that it is readable.
by
Anonymous10/20/09
I'm thinking that if the....
...guy from Botswana has a problem, you've got a bigger one!-pistolpackinpete
English
Good try needs smoothing
Afraid I would have knocked Fred and my six month live in girl friend thru the door. The other one walking in sounds to much like a setup. How did word get around so fast unless your ex called her and said I solved your apartment problems come move in with him. Yeah I been in a few hundred women to but very few would I have allowed to move in with me or told I love you. When you fuck barroom sluts what you have is a bar room slut who will fuck anyone that buys her a drink.
story lost
there is no story just 300 words put one after the other.
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Worst!!
Beyond an editor's help!!
If English
is your native tongue, you need an editor. If not, you need an editor. Then you need to learn the art of plotting a story and creating sympathetic characters. None of your characters are appealing expecially your narrator who, because of your grammar issues and poor plotting, come across as a moron. Assuming he is a normal man - and on this site that is always a good question - his behavior makes no sense. Get an editor, learn English better, and read and pay attention to how good stories are plotted.
A GOOD STORY LINE
IT JUST NEEDS THE CHARACTERS FLESHED OUT AND MORE STORY DEVELOPEMENT
Quotation marks are NOT optional
Forget the stuff about needing an editor. What this story needs is beyond what an editor should be used for, which is catching the random mistakes. An editor should not take the place of taking the time to learn basic English (e.g., grammar and punctuation).
This is it!
Without question this is in the top ten of the most disjointed and incomprehensible stories on this site. Thankfully it was brief, but not brief enough. "I let my Fried Fred live in the basement" was the most amusing error, but there were many other chuckles to be found. Seriously, this should never have gotten past the literotica sentry, because having this up for public perusal is only making you vulnerable to criticism such as this. Read the story out loud the way you have written it next time, and then put in the proper punctuation, capitalization and quotation marks so that it is readable.
I'm thinking that if the....
...guy from Botswana has a problem, you've got a bigger one!-pistolpackinpete
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