by RogueAlan
good story.Was thinking 'Bullshit' at the start, but you convinced me. Say, you know JPB has a lot of stories that need a 'GOOD' ending, You up for the job Rogue? Unless this is JPB writing on one of his numerous exes computer. Good job, Cheers
Overall pretty good job. The writing could have been better, but I really liked the way you took the elements provided by JPB and carried them out to a good ending. As I said before, the actual writing could have been better... It seemed to me as if you had rushed it, maybe trying to be the first one to respond?
It is very hard to follow up on another writer's work. JLB has a unique style, with the ability to include small details that make a story breath. This story didn't flow as well as the first part. Some of the conclusions and solutions to Rob's problems didn't make since if you reread the first story. If the biker's and wife were out to ruin the husbands career and to get access to the new software he was working, why did she leave to begin with. The solution to that question doesn't fit the action taken. Pleas read both stories again and you will see other areas where things were not well thought out.
The structure of your writing left some to be desired. It is desirable to use conjunctions(and, but, etc) more often than you have. The trick is to learn to break down the rapid succesion of sentences, but not over use conjunctions.
The narrative was much easier to follow. The dialogue was difficult because you would provide dialogue from one person and then a physical action like shruging from the second person in the same paragraph. For good flowing dialogue, if there is action attached to the dialogue, the dialogue and action from one person should be in the same paragraph. Usually, some action from a person: Jake scowled. "I don't believe you."
The point is that this is an enjoyable ending even if the plots of the biker gang do not seem very realistic. But I am here to enjoy!
I thought your ending was a good one. Thanks for your story. I hope to see more of your work.
Really enjoyed your story. Tightly knit and well crafted. You need to write more!
I liked this ending better than Bob's. Now if we can just start a club where every author takes a turn at finishing one of JPB's multitude of unfinished stories we might be done in about 5 years.
Not a bad story but not JPB. It was a valient attempt and I did enjoy it. Kudos to Bob for allowing this kind of thing. My
Doesn't seem the same story- None of the characters sound like JPB created them.