With a more clear writing style this hot story would be fantastic. The author's overuse of passive voice forces the reader constantly decipher who is speaking about whom. " OK Mr. Wilson, let's see if we can work out what the problem is here. You look at the chair on the other side of me and decide my lap would be a better seat. Moving in front of me you straddle my legs and sit back on my lap facing Dean Wilson. "
Reading this passage, the reader believes Uncle Tom just sat on the lap of his niece Tara. It's not until later the reader realizes it was the niece who actually sat on her uncle's lap.
2nd person is really difficult to pull off and is avoided for good reason. Still, I was intrigued by the first three paragraphs partly because I was impressed that someone was giving 2nd person a go and was doing a pretty decent job. You actually lost me when the Uncle showed up in 1st person. It was jarring for me because there was no way the Uncle would know what was happening in the office before he showed up. If you retooled this thing into something entirely 2nd person and did as good a job as you did right in the beginning you'd have something to be proud of.
by
Anonymous01/21/10
Try again
If you want people to read your stories, write in the 1st or 3rd person.
by
Anonymous01/22/10
Tara or Jen?
The 2nd person format has already been mentioned. Please proofread your story or have someone else proofread. The story title was about Tara but the uncle called her "Jen".
"Oh yeah Jen, you have the most talented mouth...."
I've read worst or actually not read worst second person stories. It wasn't that bad. So try to clean it up with the name change and what not....
by
Anonymous04/17/10
Verbal & Grammatical Screwup
I don't even know where to begin. Story perspective [e.g. the story teller] is way off. Uncle Tom is telling the story before he even appears in a verbally present tense story. Get some help. The story line may not be bad but the execution is terrible. *
English
Difficult to follow
With a more clear writing style this hot story would be fantastic. The author's overuse of passive voice forces the reader constantly decipher who is speaking about whom. " OK Mr. Wilson, let's see if we can work out what the problem is here. You look at the chair on the other side of me and decide my lap would be a better seat. Moving in front of me you straddle my legs and sit back on my lap facing Dean Wilson. "
Reading this passage, the reader believes Uncle Tom just sat on the lap of his niece Tara. It's not until later the reader realizes it was the niece who actually sat on her uncle's lap.
Ugh
I made it to the 3rd paragraph. Why? Because second person stories are the worst. Most people write in first or third person. Try again.
I'm with Larry
2nd person is really difficult to pull off and is avoided for good reason. Still, I was intrigued by the first three paragraphs partly because I was impressed that someone was giving 2nd person a go and was doing a pretty decent job. You actually lost me when the Uncle showed up in 1st person. It was jarring for me because there was no way the Uncle would know what was happening in the office before he showed up. If you retooled this thing into something entirely 2nd person and did as good a job as you did right in the beginning you'd have something to be proud of.
Try again
If you want people to read your stories, write in the 1st or 3rd person.
Tara or Jen?
The 2nd person format has already been mentioned. Please proofread your story or have someone else proofread. The story title was about Tara but the uncle called her "Jen".
"Oh yeah Jen, you have the most talented mouth...."
Good story premise though.
Actually could be worst.
I've read worst or actually not read worst second person stories. It wasn't that bad. So try to clean it up with the name change and what not....
Verbal & Grammatical Screwup
I don't even know where to begin. Story perspective [e.g. the story teller] is way off. Uncle Tom is telling the story before he even appears in a verbally present tense story. Get some help. The story line may not be bad but the execution is terrible. *
>.
confusing!>.
loved it
hopefully more to cumm of this story
i usually don't enjoy stories from the I/me perspective, but this one was good.
funny i have a niece named tara i've fucked a few times in the past.
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