May I ask if you had a proofreader or an editor? There were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors distracted me and, therefore, detracted from the story. Correcting them and tightening up your sentence structure would help.
The intro was intriguing but a bit more buildup might have maintained the suspense. I was pretty sure as soon as she met him in the pizza joint that it was her cellophane man and, while I didn't mind that, it would have been more fun if the ending were a surprise.
So, for entertaining story, I'd give it a 4. For the errors, I'd grade it a 3. (Still, I'm giving you a 4 for this one - who knows if what distracts and bothers me would have that effect on anyone else!).
Thanks for a fun and stimulating story!
by
Anonymous02/01/10
Excellent story!
Though I didn't notice any grammatical errors, I thought that your tale was erotic and very well done. True, there's little mystery that he's the slave, but the fun is in knowing that she's finally met the right guy!
Hope whomever inspired this knows he's a very lucky slave. ;)
by
Anonymous02/04/10
more tensity
Really good... You should make the lady cum just from the kisses and touches.
I didn't feel that grammatical errors were prolific, distracting or required a microscope. The only one I actually tripped over: complement (correct word would have been 'compliment'.) This could easily have been a typo, and not a grammatical error, and it wasn't something that interfered with the story. Considering the unusual circumstances, I also thought the dialogue between your characters seemed more natural than contrived to fit the story, and that's often not the case writing something that's frequently intended to... er... "come" to a conclusion within a few paragraphs. (Pun intended.) I enjoyed this story and your execution. I'm not usually entertained by erotica that arrives at a conclusion without consummation, so thanks for trying cellophane without a sandwich!
English
tasty story
May I ask if you had a proofreader or an editor? There were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors distracted me and, therefore, detracted from the story. Correcting them and tightening up your sentence structure would help.
The intro was intriguing but a bit more buildup might have maintained the suspense. I was pretty sure as soon as she met him in the pizza joint that it was her cellophane man and, while I didn't mind that, it would have been more fun if the ending were a surprise.
So, for entertaining story, I'd give it a 4. For the errors, I'd grade it a 3. (Still, I'm giving you a 4 for this one - who knows if what distracts and bothers me would have that effect on anyone else!).
Thanks for a fun and stimulating story!
Excellent story!
Though I didn't notice any grammatical errors, I thought that your tale was erotic and very well done. True, there's little mystery that he's the slave, but the fun is in knowing that she's finally met the right guy!
Hope whomever inspired this knows he's a very lucky slave. ;)
more tensity
Really good... You should make the lady cum just from the kisses and touches.
A fun one--enjoyed reading!
I didn't feel that grammatical errors were prolific, distracting or required a microscope. The only one I actually tripped over: complement (correct word would have been 'compliment'.) This could easily have been a typo, and not a grammatical error, and it wasn't something that interfered with the story. Considering the unusual circumstances, I also thought the dialogue between your characters seemed more natural than contrived to fit the story, and that's often not the case writing something that's frequently intended to... er... "come" to a conclusion within a few paragraphs. (Pun intended.) I enjoyed this story and your execution. I'm not usually entertained by erotica that arrives at a conclusion without consummation, so thanks for trying cellophane without a sandwich!
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